Excuse me, sir? You forgot to say Goodbye.

A smile is a beautiful thing.   They can be energetic, lopsided, imperfect, and tragic.  A smile can be used as a weapon, or to give reassurance.  It can tell a lie, be a crutch, or even say hello or goodbye. Sometimes a smile can be the simplest of little masks. I have said it before, and I will say it again, I smile a lot.

For those who really know me, they know not to trust my smiles.  For one, if they are genuine, I am most likely up to something mischievous or my sarcastic nature is kicking in.  In other cases I have just learned that smiling makes things easier.  People don't question a smile.  It's the lack of apparent happiness, or a smile, that makes people ask obnoxious questions that they don't really want to know the answer to.

"Oh, whats wrong?" -Oh you know, I'm fucked up and and I am shredding my life one area at a time, and I have no plan on stopping.  You?

Yeah...no one wants to hear that.  Nor do I want to tell it.  So I smile.

So here I am on Christmas day smiling like a fool because it is the appropriate thing to do.  My husband thinks its hilarious to pester me when he can tell I am anxious and annoyed.  Which is often lately.  Today he said jokingly after several minutes of harassing me, "I don't even know why you married me, you don't even like me!"  I just smiled back at him.  I didn't say a word.

People interpret smiles however they wish them to mean.  He took it as I thought he was funny, when in reality I was smiling because I was thinking the exact same thing at that moment, he was annoying the shit out of me.  I mean I like him obviously in general, but at that particular moment not so much.
My disposition is fake and forced currently.

I had plans for tomorrow that had given me something to genuinely smile about.  It was the I-have-a-secret giddy smile, but a real one none the less.   I was excited to see the boy I haven't seen since Saturday night, who as it turns out was too drunk to even remember he saw me, and during this time  he told me he was in love with me several times, but that is another story for another day.

Tuesday night we talked in our usual fashion, until the late morning hours, about nothing serious; what we were doing, who was watching the better movie, Christmas, etc.  We fell asleep after a few hours and since then he has disappeared.  Not a word.  I have sent him a few messages, which he has opened, but has not responded to.  I'm not the girl to hound, or beg for attention, so I wont be, but since this whole writing thing is all about honesty... Ouch.

But I will keep on smiling. Merry Freakin' Christmas.