This was the last time I saw him.
And if I can just get myself under control it will remain the very last.
It is the perfect fucked up way to end something so perfectly fucked up as our relationship, or our non-relationship as he called it.
Clarification on our "non-relationship"
The conversation we have had a hundred times:
Him- This can't be a relationship. It just can't.
Me- Okay.
Him- It just can't be if you wont leave him, I can't put more feelings into this.
Me- It's not that simple, and you know it, but I get it, so okay.
Him- Okay, it just can't be a relationship.
Me- Okay.
Him- Okay.
I added a twist in there one night just for giggles.
Him- Quit being cute this can't have feelings or be treated like a relationship.
Me- Okay...You consider a friendship a relationship right?
Him- Well yeah?
Me- Are we not friends?
Him- (Delay) You are way more to me than a friend to me.
Me- Uhh... okay.... so.....
Him- (No Words)
I win. Asshole.
Back to last Saturday, or even Friday for that matter.
Friday:
I threw a party at my house and despite having a really good time, I thought of him the entire time. I wished I could see him, but being the wonderful hostess that I am, I could not leave, nor could I invite him because he is a lousy drunk, and there is no way no one would not know that I wanted nothing more than to be only with him.
I sent him a few messages that were answered rudely or with little effort. He gets pissy when things aren't his way, and his way is me leaving my life behind, and being his....but only when he is being the version of himself that likes me. Who knows what I would be to him the rest of the time when he is that other version of himself, the one who hates everyone and everything, especially me.
That night I gave up on contacting him and decided to try my best to enjoy myself anyways. That was ineffective until I decided just to get drunk. Me drunk in an ugly Christmas sweater was classic I'm sure, but was rather effective.
Saturday:
The next morning I got a simple text. Come see me tonight.
I didn't see the text for a few hours since I was sleeping off the night before, so he sent a few more messages asking as well. Apparently he was fond of me that morning.
Hours later I finally answered.
I had plans with some friends, so I told him it would be late, but I would come see him. He told me he was excited to see me. (Rare show of emotion from him.)
I didn't leave my friends until after eleven but I sent him a text to tell him I could come see him. Nothing. I drove the 45 minutes back to my house and tried calling him. Nothing.
I gave up, washed my face, brushed my teeth, stripped down and crawled into bed. My husband was already asleep. Thank god, I wasn't in the mood to deal with him either.
I put my head on my pillow and put my phone on vibrate. I began to drift off. Text. Vibrate. Text. Vibrate. Call. Call. Call. Lots of vibrations. Come see me.
Annoyed, I sit up and read the series of texts that were blowing up my phone. Seriously? I told him I was in bed. He said that since he couldn't come to me, I had to come to him. I rolled my eyes in the darkness and pushed my hair out of my face. Come see me!
I kicked my feet over the bed and rubbed my eyes. What on earth would my husband think of my leaving at 2 AM?
Text. Text. Text. Call. Call. He never ever calls me. He hates it when I call him, so for him to be calling it was pretty desperate. Fine. I throw back on my cloths I had stripped off a while before. I re-brushed my teeth looked at my long messy hair in the mirror and said fuck it. This is what he gets. A little eyeliner and mascara and I was out the door.
Where are you? I asked.
A friends. 45 minutes from my house. Ugh. I plugged it into my GPS and drove. I was so mad at myself the entire drive there. Text. Text. Text. Jesus. I am on my way, shut up!
When I get there most of his friends were leaving. All partied out apparently. I called his phone and another guy answered. This other guy came out and found me, he walked me in to the house. My guy was in a room by himself and when he saw me he reached out for me. I let him pull me down onto the couch with him. He asked his friend, the one who had walked me in, if he thought that his girl was as beautiful as he said she was. Apparently he must have mentioned me to his friends. I smiled at his friend awkwardly and his friend told us both that I was lovely but he had to go home to his wife. He shut the door on his way out leaving us alone.
You finally came. I thought you weren't coming.
-He was drunk, but didn't appear any worse than usual. I have never not seen him drunk honestly.
He started to kiss me. Sweetly. He helped me take off my coat and hat. He told me how pretty I looked tonight. I just laughed knowing that I probably looked terrible.
Then he asked, "You know I love you right?"
I didn't answer, I just looked at him. I should note, for those of you who haven't read any previous posts about this man, or who know nothing about this situation, we don't talk about seriously things, he and I.
Uncertain as to what to say, I asked him how his night has been. He just shrugged and then tugged at my scarf. I took it off for him, he appeared to be struggling, and then I kissed him. I never was the one to kiss him, he was usually the move maker, so it was soft and sweet.
Then we just laid there together for a few moments and he actually held me.
(This is totally against his rules.)
I kissed him again and then he retook his regular role and shoved me down and began to tear at my clothes. I let him. After a few more minutes he stopped and said again, "I'm serious. I really do love you." I kissed him to shut him up. Sweetly so he wouldn't realize I was changing the subject in a manner of speaking, but he pushed my face away and repeated himself.
I told him that he didn't know what he was saying. He sat up and pulled himself away from me. "I am not fucking around. I love you. How can you not know that?" Okay, Okay, I said. I believe you. (I didn't/dont.)
Come here. I pulled him in but his body was tense. We did our thing and then he pulled me down next to him. (Totally cuddling. Not allowed.)
I do love you he whispered slightly incoherently. Secretly, I love that this was the last thing I heard him say to me.
Then he fell asleep. Abruptly. I traced his face with my fingers. I studied it. I kissed him softly. After a moment I laid my head on his chest and fell asleep. I am not sure how long I slept, but when I woke up I knew I had to leave. I covered him up and got dressed. I tried to wake him, but he was out. I kissed him again softly on his cheek and left the room. The night air was crisp but it was exactly what I needed to prepare myself for my drive home. I drove slow and tried to figure out what I was going to do with my life. I'm glad I didn't make any big decisions based on that night now in retrospect.
I was home sooner than I wanted to be. My husband was still asleep and asked no questions. I crawled into bed and slept for a couple hours.
Vibrate. Vibrate.
"Was I mean to you last night? I didn't even know you were here. My friend told me you were here and then I woke up and you were gone, I hope I was nice to you."
You were fine I told him, nothing out if the ordinary.
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