In Search of Life Coach:

I have sat down at my computer with the intent of writing about a dozen times in the last few weeks but have decided against it.  Words are even failing me.

Let me just say it bluntly.  I am pretty much a fuck up these days. I guess I should clarify, I am rocking my professional life.  It seems like the further I advance academically and professionally, the more poor decisions I make on a personal level.

My days are long, but my nights are longer.  When I am not working at the bar, I am out with my friends usually in one.  I spend very little time alone these days.  I am back to not knowing how to be alone.  I hate it.  It is amazing how easy it is to make new friends.  When I am up, like in the early hours of the night, I apparently have amazing people skills... give it a few hours.  What goes up must go down.

I feel like I have lost so much of old self piece by piece.  Person by person, boy by boy, I lose myself.  I play it fast and cool.  I am too tough and independent to care about how shitty people are.  Fuck them right?  Their loss, I am fantastic.

Reality check.  I feel everything.

This is why when I leave Nick's house, or he leaves mine, and I am feeling absolutely worthless,, pathetic, and am convincing myself that I will never again talk to that asshole, I inevitably end up right back where I started a week later.  Underneath him questioning my existence.

Nick is the least of my problems honestly.  I could easily have my own reality show based on my fuck-ups.  Fuck-ups is code for boys I was dumb enough to bring home.

Meh.