I have sat down at my computer with the intent of writing about a dozen times in the last few weeks but have decided against it. Words are even failing me.
Let me just say it bluntly. I am pretty much a fuck up these days. I guess I should clarify, I am rocking my professional life. It seems like the further I advance academically and professionally, the more poor decisions I make on a personal level.
My days are long, but my nights are longer. When I am not working at the bar, I am out with my friends usually in one. I spend very little time alone these days. I am back to not knowing how to be alone. I hate it. It is amazing how easy it is to make new friends. When I am up, like in the early hours of the night, I apparently have amazing people skills... give it a few hours. What goes up must go down.
I feel like I have lost so much of old self piece by piece. Person by person, boy by boy, I lose myself. I play it fast and cool. I am too tough and independent to care about how shitty people are. Fuck them right? Their loss, I am fantastic.
Reality check. I feel everything.
This is why when I leave Nick's house, or he leaves mine, and I am feeling absolutely worthless,, pathetic, and am convincing myself that I will never again talk to that asshole, I inevitably end up right back where I started a week later. Underneath him questioning my existence.
Nick is the least of my problems honestly. I could easily have my own reality show based on my fuck-ups. Fuck-ups is code for boys I was dumb enough to bring home.
Meh.
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