Okay, now breathe in, breathe out. Focus.
If I am not dumb...
Then why in the fuck do I keep doing dumb things?!
I mean, I have always made mistakes. Lots and lots of them. It is sort of my thing. They make for clever anecdotes, things to laugh about in the long run, but I never ever repeat them. So why do I repeatedly get sucked into this vortex of self destruction?
I let people be my anchors. That is my first mistake.
People aren't constant. I need constant. Everyone needs basic consistencies in their lives. Basic stability. I need things that when I feel myself slipping, when I notice I am spiraling out of control, I can steady myself with, something rock solid to hold on to. I don't need to be searching for something when I am in that out-of-control state. That's what I have been doing. Searching, grasping, clinging to anything that makes me feel like my feet are on the ground when in fact they aren't. I find bad things when I am searching while in the twisted mindset.
People aren't constant and cannot be found in a moment of mania. Well, they can be, but usually the ones I find aren't the kind I should be surrounding myself with, despite what they may appear at first. People are funny that way. Especially certain men I have found in the last few months. They see something off about you. They like the quirky, slightly broken, stubborn and feisty girl they see, they seem to know what I need to hear, need to see. Maybe they don't have bad intentions to begin with, I don't know. Who can ever really know someone else's intentions. Ultimately though, they turn out to be the same. They present themselves in a non-threatening manner and when I stop and let my guard down. Bam. Dumb girl. What a dumb pathetic girl.
Writing is a constant. But I have to settle down enough to actually sit and formulate coherent words in my head and be able to translate them into actual words that other people can understand. That takes time and a certain mindset that I do not always have.
I am disconnecting from so many people. Searching for reasons to cut them out. Just give me a reason, I dare you. Some people make it too easy.
I will not keep being a dumb silly girl. (Repeat that one to yourself too.)
Dearest Matt,
You my dear, were very good. Took it slow. Kept it steady. Pushed just hard enough to get me to open up, without pushing too hard to be annoying or forceful. You were kind and gentle. Reliable. You dealt with my situation with me, not for me, or without leaving me to fend for myself. That was something you didn't have to do, and I certainly didn't ask you to. You dealt with my angry husband with grace, you were kind and respectful of his hurt feelings. It's funny how you knew not to come on too strong with me, even once we established a comfort zone, because I would spook, and I loved that you at the same time did not take me, or the time that I gave you for granted. You complimented my personality, my spirit, made me feel smart again.
A few nights ago I finally told you my whole story. The version that I have shared with only a few real people in my life and then anonymously via my blog. And it was not just the chopped up version that you had before. It was not pretty, but I was honest. You didn't judge me. You pulled me in and told me that I am a strong woman and that I would be just fine. That whatever we were, we would be just fine.
A weight lifted off my chest as I confessed the things I have done, the places I have found myself in, the thoughts I have had, the frightening thoughts I am still having. You listened and shared some secrets of your own.
That night we stayed up talking and sharing other intimate moments. Yesterday morning, we made plans to see each other last night, nothing major just something to look forward to. My last certification test was yesterday afternoon and you said we would be celebrating my success, because you knew I was going to nail it.
I was annoyed when you didn't show up on time, and I was slightly secretly pissed when you told me that you had to hang with the guys for a bit first because you haven't spent much time with them lately. I was okay with what you were doing, but since you didn't care to give me a heads up prior I felt a little stood up. -But hey, I'm flexible, or trying to be. You aren't my boyfriend and I don't want to be any ones anything for a while. Do what you want.
I became angry when hours later I was still waiting on you. I told you I was going to bed and to have a good night. Code for, your an asshole, and by the way, strike one.
Then my dear you fucked up. You went directly to strike three and you are out of here.
We have mutual friends and they all are religious Snapchat users. You know all those times last night at the bar they were laughing, talking, and singing into their phones? Yeah they then drunkenly sent them to all of their Snapchat friends, I was blessed to be one of those friends.
I particularly loved the one that woke me up with you and that pretty little brunette in the background. That one was my favorite, especially since I just told you the night before how I got the pleasure of finding out the truth about Nick and his girl in that gut wrenching first person manner too. It is one thing to hear about something, another to see it yourself. I told you how each week I have to see him and how it makes me physically sick to my stomach how stupid I felt to of been played like that.
This one at least wasn't a face-to-face 'oh so this must be me being replaced and you didn't tell me' moment, it was just a lucky accident. Again, karma. I deserve this. I deserved to be sad and alone in my bed last night. But honestly, I just didn't see it coming. She was very cute by the way, and every time she touched you, and worse you touched her, I didn't feel jealous by the way. I felt... cold. The lump in my throat threatened tears, but not for you, I can be over you as easily as everything else I have overcame as of late.
So like I said. You were good my dear. Real good.
You are not an anchor for me.
I will not just be a dumb girl.
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