For the sake of blunt honesty, I am choosing to remain semi-anonymous.
I don't know that anyone will ever read this, I am okay with that. This is for me and possibly some other messed up individual who stumbles across my words and can relate to the random twisted thoughts and emotions.
I am not a good person. I don't claim to be. I used to think I was, but as time passed I came to the conclusion that we are all secretly not as good as we pretend to be. I'm not saying that everyone in the world is evil, just that we all hold pieces of ourselves back from others in an attempt to fit in or to appear to be something that we are not. Maybe not everyone. But I certainly do.
I am told that I have a beautiful smile. (No doubt if that's true it's because of the money my mother invested in orthodontics) I smile often. People ask you what's wrong if you don't smile at the appropriate times. I don't have the time or the patience to tell them a lie and I surely cannot tell them the truth. So I smile.
Let's talk about the truth for a moment. My truth changes daily. The truth about myself that is. Sometimes it changes by the minute. I am not a liar. I omit details. Not like that is any better of a thing to do really.
I find myself omitting details from myself when I am trying to rationalize my thoughts and actions. Lately there has been a lot to rationalize.
I could be the girl next door to you for all you know. I am that basic and seemingly normal.
-Well again for the sake of honesty I will clarify, I am not the girl next door to you because I am the girl next to him.
The Other Boy
Ever find yourself sort of lost and unsure if your living the life your supposed to be? I make impulsive decisions that I end up questioning after the fact. (Secretly of course.) I consider this my greatest weakness because it is the root of most of my other weaknesses.
I got married at a respectable age, after dating for a respectable amount of time, to a semi-respectable fella. Seems well thought out doesn't it? When you look at the big picture my decisions look sound, reasonable, and practical. However, in reality the whole situation was made up of several little impulsive questionable decisions that I find myself revisiting frequently.
I have been living with the man that I married for over five years now. I met the boy next door on a cool late summer evening about a year into that relationship.
Let me make something clear. I don't believe in regret. There is no point dwelling on that emotion. I instead prefer to think about how I will next time do something differently. I am a firm believer that we can choose to recreate ourselves instead of just wishing we had. With that being said, you cannot unmeet someone (that isn't even a real word for that very reason) so I could not have done that situation any differently nor do I see a possibility to redo it better in the future, thus I regret ever meeting him.
Ironically enough, I didn't even meet him at either of our houses. He sought me out at work. His cool, slightly shy introduction makes me physically sick when I think about it now. Had I not been having a bad night at work, or had been on better terms with my significant other before heading in for my shift that night, I wouldn't have even given him the time of day. I don't believe in fate, but I do believe in bad luck.
"I have been wanting to say hello to you for a while," he began. He noticed my look of confusion and added, "We live next to each other, my father said that I would never stand a chance with you but I thought I would give it a shot and say hello."
And then he blushed. Goddammit.
That's what sold me. The sweet, and total bullshit, act of being bold enough to show he was interested but shy enough to blush about it.
It started slow. A wave or a smile when we were both outside. Then I noticed that I was aware of him being home or not. Again, it started slow but accelerated quickly. He started visiting me at work. Casually of course, as he was interested in the establishment, not me personally...despite him being there for hours at a time just talking. During these weeks my boyfriend and I were fighting over various things and drifting farther and farther apart from one another. I was letting it slip because I was distracted. He was letting it slip because he is (notice the current tense) a liar.
This weakness in my relationship started to seep into my innocent encounters with my neighbor. I let him have my number, which led to many sleepless nights just talking, via text messages, my heart racing every time a text would come through. I never started the conversations. I felt that made me seem less desperate for his attention.
I never lied or omitted the fact that I was in a relationship and he was aware, based on our geographical location, that I didn't live alone. It didn't phase either of us.
The first time I realized I was a shitty person... was a cold rainy fall night. I was closing the store. I was tired and I felt sloppy. I saw his truck pull in the parking lot and I instantly felt my stomach begin to flutter. When was the last time I felt this way in my real relationship? I remember how dark the store was and how aware I was that it was empty. I unlocked the door and let him in. I continued to finish up my work as he followed me around and teased me about my preference of the PS3 over the XBOX 360. I remember as we talked thinking, what in the hell am I doing?
The store was cozy at night and he was so close to me. I found myself feeling nervous. I wasn't sure why. I needed to get out of that store where we were not so alone. As I led him out of the door and locked it behind me, I felt him standing very close behind me. It was raining gently. More like misting, but it was chilly so I could feel how warm he was. I remember how awkwardly I moved out of his space and began to walk to my car. His truck was farther than my car, yet he stopped at mine. He gently pulled me in and then grabbed my chin gently. He kissed me. It wasn't shy or hesitant. He seemed to know that I wouldn't reject him. I am not a romantic and I hate gushy shit. But he certainly had my attention. The rain no longer seemed cold. The soft streetlight barely outlined us as he pulled me in closer. I felt a type of passion that was lacking from my current situation at home. Home. Where my guy was probably at. Waiting for me. I pulled away, bit my lip, because that's what I do when I am sad, stressed, or anxious, and said goodbye.
I got in my car and drove. I drove home slowly, and I took the long way. I didn't want to be pulling in our driveways at the same time. For whatever reason, that's what I thought would be awkward about what had just happened.
I came home to an empty house that night. Just as well.
I didn't even tell myself I wouldn't see him again. He came by after my shift later that week and asked if I had some free time. I did. We went for a walk in the woods. Now even as I write this I am judging myself. Not only because of how big of a jerk I was being to my guy, but because I hate the woods especially when it is cold. But I wanted to be near him. He held my hand, whereas my guy didn't, and he kissed me. My guy only kissed me when he wanted sex.
Long story short, I was spinning out of control, and I was unable or unwilling to slow down. I let him into my house one night when my guy had lied about being at work but was really drinking with his friends. I felt justified. I was feeling impulsive. He didn't even let me shut the door before he attacked me. I say attacked because it was fierce. Like there was nothing else in the word but what was about to happen. I don't even remember how we made it to my room. I remember very little about our encounter honestly because I was so in the moment. I remember it was fast and urgent. It wasn't some epic sexual triumph, it was fierce and impersonal. He told me I was hot and that he wanted me since he first saw me. What girl doesn't want to hear that? I neglected to notice however that he changed. Instantly.
I saw him like this several times. Each time I noticed his behavior changing from sweet and warm to cold and distant. I started initiating our conversations and he began to not message me back if I wasn't able to meet up with him. I'm not dumb I knew what being brushed off looked like.
My home life was in chaos as well. Something had to change.
I decided not to talk to the boy next door anymore, just to see what would happen. I felt desperate. I longed for him to contact me. I felt pathetic and small. I have never felt small before. My guy began to notice something was wrong, he assumed it was his behavior so he started to change up his act. I cried a lot. One guy noticed while the other left me without even letting me know.
Simple logic guided me through the next few months.
We just didn't know each other anymore. My heart would sink when I would see him coming and going, and it took a daily battle for months to stop wanting to contact him. I threw myself back into my relationship and we both worked on our issues. My guy stopped his crazy drinking and lying and I was supportive and loyal. The neighbor eventually took a job out of town so he was gone most of the time....It was like it never happened. I never told a soul.
My husband-to-be asked me to marry him Christmas eve of 2011. Nothing showy or overly romantic, very typical of him. He just whispered in my ear that we should get married. So I guess technically he didn't even ask at first. I was almost asleep so I had to turn over and ask him to repeat himself. He put it in question form that time, he didn't have a ring or anything because it wasn't planned, but I said yes. We picked out a ring at the beginning of January and it was official. I was engaged. Naturally I shared the news with my friends and family via facebook, complete with pictures. That's when I got the text. I deleted him to prevent myself from ever being weak enough to text him again, but I recognized his number instantly. Did I somehow know that he might contact me if I put something up there that would get his attention or did that dawn on me after the fact? I don't know. I'm pretty messed up that way.
"What does that mean for us?" He asked.
I didn't answer him. How could he feel that he had the right to even talk to me again. Did he even notice that over a year had gone by? I had played the scenario over and over again in my head as to what would happen if I were to talk to him again, but in reality I was right back to feeling like that small pathetic girl full of butterflies and impulsive thoughts. I deleted the text and his number along with it. I thought that was the last of it. I was married September of 2012 and I was certain that I would never ever stray again. And I most certainly wouldn't ever give that asshole another moment of my time again.
Two years later I'm right back to where I started.
That's what sold me. The sweet, and total bullshit, act of being bold enough to show he was interested but shy enough to blush about it.
It started slow. A wave or a smile when we were both outside. Then I noticed that I was aware of him being home or not. Again, it started slow but accelerated quickly. He started visiting me at work. Casually of course, as he was interested in the establishment, not me personally...despite him being there for hours at a time just talking. During these weeks my boyfriend and I were fighting over various things and drifting farther and farther apart from one another. I was letting it slip because I was distracted. He was letting it slip because he is (notice the current tense) a liar.
This weakness in my relationship started to seep into my innocent encounters with my neighbor. I let him have my number, which led to many sleepless nights just talking, via text messages, my heart racing every time a text would come through. I never started the conversations. I felt that made me seem less desperate for his attention.
I never lied or omitted the fact that I was in a relationship and he was aware, based on our geographical location, that I didn't live alone. It didn't phase either of us.
The first time I realized I was a shitty person... was a cold rainy fall night. I was closing the store. I was tired and I felt sloppy. I saw his truck pull in the parking lot and I instantly felt my stomach begin to flutter. When was the last time I felt this way in my real relationship? I remember how dark the store was and how aware I was that it was empty. I unlocked the door and let him in. I continued to finish up my work as he followed me around and teased me about my preference of the PS3 over the XBOX 360. I remember as we talked thinking, what in the hell am I doing?
The store was cozy at night and he was so close to me. I found myself feeling nervous. I wasn't sure why. I needed to get out of that store where we were not so alone. As I led him out of the door and locked it behind me, I felt him standing very close behind me. It was raining gently. More like misting, but it was chilly so I could feel how warm he was. I remember how awkwardly I moved out of his space and began to walk to my car. His truck was farther than my car, yet he stopped at mine. He gently pulled me in and then grabbed my chin gently. He kissed me. It wasn't shy or hesitant. He seemed to know that I wouldn't reject him. I am not a romantic and I hate gushy shit. But he certainly had my attention. The rain no longer seemed cold. The soft streetlight barely outlined us as he pulled me in closer. I felt a type of passion that was lacking from my current situation at home. Home. Where my guy was probably at. Waiting for me. I pulled away, bit my lip, because that's what I do when I am sad, stressed, or anxious, and said goodbye.
I got in my car and drove. I drove home slowly, and I took the long way. I didn't want to be pulling in our driveways at the same time. For whatever reason, that's what I thought would be awkward about what had just happened.
I came home to an empty house that night. Just as well.
I didn't even tell myself I wouldn't see him again. He came by after my shift later that week and asked if I had some free time. I did. We went for a walk in the woods. Now even as I write this I am judging myself. Not only because of how big of a jerk I was being to my guy, but because I hate the woods especially when it is cold. But I wanted to be near him. He held my hand, whereas my guy didn't, and he kissed me. My guy only kissed me when he wanted sex.
Long story short, I was spinning out of control, and I was unable or unwilling to slow down. I let him into my house one night when my guy had lied about being at work but was really drinking with his friends. I felt justified. I was feeling impulsive. He didn't even let me shut the door before he attacked me. I say attacked because it was fierce. Like there was nothing else in the word but what was about to happen. I don't even remember how we made it to my room. I remember very little about our encounter honestly because I was so in the moment. I remember it was fast and urgent. It wasn't some epic sexual triumph, it was fierce and impersonal. He told me I was hot and that he wanted me since he first saw me. What girl doesn't want to hear that? I neglected to notice however that he changed. Instantly.
I saw him like this several times. Each time I noticed his behavior changing from sweet and warm to cold and distant. I started initiating our conversations and he began to not message me back if I wasn't able to meet up with him. I'm not dumb I knew what being brushed off looked like.
My home life was in chaos as well. Something had to change.
I decided not to talk to the boy next door anymore, just to see what would happen. I felt desperate. I longed for him to contact me. I felt pathetic and small. I have never felt small before. My guy began to notice something was wrong, he assumed it was his behavior so he started to change up his act. I cried a lot. One guy noticed while the other left me without even letting me know.
Simple logic guided me through the next few months.
We just didn't know each other anymore. My heart would sink when I would see him coming and going, and it took a daily battle for months to stop wanting to contact him. I threw myself back into my relationship and we both worked on our issues. My guy stopped his crazy drinking and lying and I was supportive and loyal. The neighbor eventually took a job out of town so he was gone most of the time....It was like it never happened. I never told a soul.
My husband-to-be asked me to marry him Christmas eve of 2011. Nothing showy or overly romantic, very typical of him. He just whispered in my ear that we should get married. So I guess technically he didn't even ask at first. I was almost asleep so I had to turn over and ask him to repeat himself. He put it in question form that time, he didn't have a ring or anything because it wasn't planned, but I said yes. We picked out a ring at the beginning of January and it was official. I was engaged. Naturally I shared the news with my friends and family via facebook, complete with pictures. That's when I got the text. I deleted him to prevent myself from ever being weak enough to text him again, but I recognized his number instantly. Did I somehow know that he might contact me if I put something up there that would get his attention or did that dawn on me after the fact? I don't know. I'm pretty messed up that way.
"What does that mean for us?" He asked.
I didn't answer him. How could he feel that he had the right to even talk to me again. Did he even notice that over a year had gone by? I had played the scenario over and over again in my head as to what would happen if I were to talk to him again, but in reality I was right back to feeling like that small pathetic girl full of butterflies and impulsive thoughts. I deleted the text and his number along with it. I thought that was the last of it. I was married September of 2012 and I was certain that I would never ever stray again. And I most certainly wouldn't ever give that asshole another moment of my time again.
Two years later I'm right back to where I started.
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