It is what it is and it was what it was.

You wouldn't know it based on these little ramblings, but I used to be the fun girl, not the sad girl.

Queen of shenanigans, sarcasm, and sincerity.  Energetic and goofy, always finding reasons to laugh and make others laugh with me.  Singing made up songs while creating fascinating dance moves wouldn't have been out of the ordinary, running for the fun of it rather than the obsession with the way it numbs my mind.  I used to enjoy everything that I did.  Even the less desirable things, I could find some way to make them fun.  That was just how I did it.

Somewhere I lost her.  She either slipped away slowly, or maybe just one day she was gone.  She left me.  As soon as I realized that void I longed to feel that way again.  I have been searching for her ever since.

I think that is what all of these little escapades have really been about.  Finding that girl.  I mean I undeniably got twisted up in them, I lost myself more in the process. They became something so much bigger to me. New emotions came into play, but while exploring and having new people get to know me, I could almost convince them that I was still that girl, because they never knew how much better the old version was in comparison.

I will never forget the look on his face the first time he realized I was definitely a little, for lack of a better word, off.  It had to do with my aversion to coffee lids, he stopped and just stared at me for a moment.  I narrowed my eyes playfully at him and said, 'what now??'  He laughed and told me that I 'was something else.'  I cocked my head to the side and said with a slightly sarcastic tone 'well what else could I be?....and is that a good thing or a bad thing, because I am afraid I am what I am.'  He looked at me for a moment and just shook his head and smiled.  'Definitely a good thing.'

I thought maybe I had found her again in those weeks.  Someone drew her back out, maybe she didn't leave me, maybe she was just somewhere in the background, waiting for me to come looking for her.  He described me the way I used to see myself before the darkness crept in.  I think that is what drew me to him.  There was also the fact that he recognized this other part of myself that I have been wrestling with as of late.  He was okay with both versions of me.

I think that is the answer to the infamous question of, "why on earth do you even care about that creep?"  I have put a lot of thought into that question, because the sane rational side of myself, which believe it or not is the dominant part of me, knows how messed up it is to even have given him the time of day.  Let alone such a huge chunk of myself.

I have come to the conclusion that ultimately,
It is what it is and it was what it was.
I'm over the past.  Fuck it.  Fuck him.
My life is happening around me.  Now.  Whichever version of me that I am today, has to face it.
I am going to fucking own it because it is mine.