Synonyms

When I have trouble sleeping, which is more and more frequent, and no longer can muster up the energy to read whatever book I have been working on, I skim through random quotes online to help quiet my mind.  Somehow other people's random little thoughts and words soothe my frantic and exhausted mind when the rest of the world is off in dream land.

I stumbled across a quote online a few nights ago that says, "A passionate woman is worth all the chaos."  I reread the words a few times and at first I thought, of course we are, why would anyone think otherwise?

But then I thought about it a little more, because of course that's just what I do.


Synonyms for Passionate:
ardent. loving. romantic. wistful. aroused. concupiscent. desirous. erotic. heavy. hot. lascivious. libidinous. lustful. prurient. sexy. steamy. stimulated. sultry. turned-on.
                                                                           = The root of all my problems

I am too gosh darn passionate.  I never half-ass anything.  Once I make up my mind, that is absolutely it.  There is no going back.  Sometimes mid-plan I actually realize that perhaps my initial logic was potentially flawed but I still carry through with it, because that was the plan.

Truth be told, my husband is lucky (or actually maybe not since now he is stuck with me as much as I am stuck with him) that I am stubborn or let's say passionate.  Passionate sounds better then pig headed.  When I first started seeing him, his brother also my best friend told me, "I know you both.  If you don't fuck it up he most certainly will.  I give it a month."

He didn't say this kindly or even with a friendly intention of giving either of us a heads up.  It was spiteful... which provoked me.  Where I might have typically booted a man for certain behaviors I stuck it out.  I rationalized, compartmentalized, and then eventually got even in my own twisted way, but I did not give up.  We had both sacrificed a lot to be together and refused to give it up that easily.  This sounds almost romantic.  Trust me though, it wasn't.  I lost my best friend and he lost the respect and love from his little brother.  His family resented the situation and pleaded with him to break it off.  Some days I wish I would have let him.

Passion guided me into his arms, kept me with him, and is now provoking me to tear our lives apart just so I can feel it again.  It's my addiction.  I found it elsewhere and now I crave it.  Not necessarily the exact situation, but anything that gives me that feeling.

On the flip side, my passion for life has kept me going in less than desirable childhood situations and allowed me to forgive my mother when it was all said and done.  It fueled me to improve myself, and has given me the strength to stand up for myself and go for the things I want.  Without that motivation who knows where I would be.  I still love my husband more than anything in this world and despite my recent restlessness I would still fight like hell to keep him if I felt like he was in anyway slipping away from me.  Sadly I am torn between what I am and who I want to be.  

Is the passion worth all the chaos?