I miss my husband. I feel homesick in my own home. I took down most of our photos because I cannot bear to see our smiling faces, but I did not put them away. I moved them into another room. Where I arranged them neatly on a table. The photos represent how I felt about our relationship. I cannot bear to see it, or deal with it right now, but I couldn't just throw it away. I simply needed space from it. I love the man I married, he just lost me. I lost me. Well I have found myself and he doesn't like it.
He told me I will never be happy without him and if I don't take him back he hopes "I regret it everyday for the rest of my life. " He points to all of our stuff and says I would have nothing without him. (Like I have not always supported myself prior to meeting him.) He says if I am not happy with him I never will be happy. That's the moment I knew we were not fixable. I don't want to be with someone because they say I need them for financial or security reasons. I want to need someone, but the kind of need like I cannot bear to live without them, not the stuff they buy for us, or because they tell me I have to.
My husbands new trashy looking girl friend, that I can handle, his insistence that I know about it, that too I can take...bring it on actually. His hypocritical judgments and meddling, that will be my breaking point. What part of leave me alone is so hard to comprehend? We both agree. We are done. No working through it, no time apart. Done. Then why does he get to keep tossing about rumors and accusations?
Who would have thought a grown man would be such a drama king. It's pathetic really.
I have set in motion my newest plan. I am ridding myself of anything or anyone who connects me with my old life. Our mutual friends? He can have them. My family has seen his true colors lately, so they are no longer giving me the "oh your poor husband still loves you so much" lectures. Apparently him showing up at my mother's house singing the blues and then a few days later parading his new girl around town where my mother saw them ruined his act. I let him, I didn't defend myself or my actions even to my own mother, in the chance that if he and I had a shot ever fixing our marriage, turning my mother against him wouldn't help anyone. He is a confirmed idiot. The only one who holds grudges longer than me, is my mother. He definitely should have kept her out of it.
Anyways, my plan. Friends are his. Anything materialistically speaking, he can have. I don't want our acquired shit. He sold our jeep (which is in my name that my mortgage being refinanced payed off) and bought a truck apparently. Without mentioning it to me other than TELLING me, not asking me, to sign off on the title. I decided I was in no hurry to do that currently. I am ever so busy.... it might take some time to get all the way there (a five minute drive) to sign off. I don't like being bullied.
I got a new job this morning. So I will have something to keep myself out of trouble during my nights and weekends. This will also help sever ties to my husband more quickly, financially speaking. I am also toying with the idea of selling my home. This is painful to think about. I love it. I have poured myself into every room, and it was mine long before even meeting my husband, but it is a burden in many ways. The memories, the upkeep, the plans we had for it, all weigh on me daily. A fresh start will probably require it be one of the first things to go.
Overall, I am happier. I am sad. Don't get me wrong. I have never been so sad, or so often. But it is a different kind of sad. It's manageable. When I break down and ball my eyes out it isn't because I don't know how to pick myself back up and keep going, it is because I am mourning the loss of a simple life that I could have had. Now things are hard, and messy, but they are mine. No bullying from a husband. No guilt trips. No silent wars. It is just me. It is lonely, but then again, I was lonely with him. I have to keep reminding myself of that. It is easy to get lost when you are sad and lonely.
But don't we all know, I know how to fix lonely....
But now I am not ruining my self worth by having to be dishonest and sneaky.
Every day is a battle. But as cliche as it sounds I have no intention of fighting this war he is trying to create. I am living defensively and quietly. He is being loud, threatening lawyers, and violent acts. I keep a smile on my face so when he sees me he has no idea he is hurting me. Even when he isn't around I hold my head up, and my mouth closed. He has spies everywhere. This town is poison.
I am better than all of it.
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