Somewhere Around Midnight

Sitting on the dingy bar stool she haphazardly taps her empty bottle on the distant side of the bar. With her free hand she traces a scratch along the surface of the counter. The bartender hears her silent plea and hands her another, no words are spoken as he takes the old bottle from her hand.  It wouldn't have mattered if he had spoken, the music was thumping louder than either cared to speak.

Her body is already heavy from what she has consumed as she reaches slowly for her wallet. Another man hands the bartender cash.  He smiles down at her and she gives him the look she knows he is expecting.

She pretends to be interested as he speaks.  He pushes in close, she can feel the heat of his voice as he talks into her ear.  She shakes her head and touches his arm.  She laughs and she begins to be unsure if he is actually making her laugh or if she is just playing her part.  He buys her another drink.  The music doesn't seem as loud, her choices don't seem so bad, and the night is pulsing through her veins.
She looks across the room and sees so many faces.  So many people living out their lives.  Some were laughing, some sing, an old man sits alone at the bar, others dance, holding one another close; everyone has a role of their own.

One face stands out to her.

He never takes his eyes off her.  How long he had been there, she couldn't be sure.  He didn't look away when she made eye contact.  The look on his face was somewhere between rage and hurt.  She turns slowly back to her bottle and she takes a long hard drink.  As she swallows she steadies not only her hand, but her breathing.  She knows she isn't doing anything he hadn't done already, but guilt, longing, and memories course through her.  Sucking in the air that now seems incredibly stuffy, she turns to the man she is sitting with.  She excuses herself and walks quietly into the night.

The crisp air hits her face and as she walks under the street lights she feels haunted.  Looking behind her she is relieved to see that no one has followed.  She knows she should go home. She feels lost and scared, and it's safe there.  The thought of the silence that would surround her as she walks through the front door leads her to begin to dig in her purse.  She can't bear to be alone with her thoughts.  She pulls out her phone and slumps against the building's cold stone wall.  As she dials her bad choice, her fingers shake.  As she listens to the ringing in her ear, she closes her eyes.  Part of her prays he wont answer.

She hears his voice as he says hello and a lump forms in her throat.  Swallowing hard she whispers,
                                         "I have to see you tonight."

On your mark, get set, GO!

Everything happens so fast.

Days have a way of dragging by, yet life somehow whips past. I keep missing things.   

I can't keep up. I have mastered the day-to-day things.  I rock at professional and occupational multitasking, however I have managed to fuck up my personal life in a way that I can't wrap my brain around.  I'm constantly thinking something along the lines of, "what in the hell just happened?"

This time last week I was sitting with a group of people I had only just met, genuinely enjoying myself.  They were friends of a guy I have been seeing for over a month now.  We have been quiet about our -for a lack of a better word- relationship... type thing.  He begged me to come see him race, which is something he is really good at, and is extremely passionate about.  I was only hesitant because I knew it meant taking things a little further than our semi-on-the-down-low, private and experimental, time that we have been spending together.  I finally said yes and told him that I would try my best to get up out of bed that early to leave with him.  He insisted that he spend the night to guarantee I would be there with him.  Mildly annoying, but flattering.  So I went.  

He failed to mention that I would also be meeting his family... So yeah.  That was fun.  I say it sarcastically and with a bit of resentment now, but honestly it wasn't bad at all.  I spent the day with mostly his friends because he had to go off and do his thing, but I really enjoyed  myself.  I heard his best friend tell him that he better keep me around, and my racer guy said he intended to,

Here is where things, as usual, get fucked up.. The night before the race, Nick contacted me. You know, narcissistic Nick.  I told him that I deliberately stopped talking to him for a reason and that he was a fucked up human.  I was proud of me and when about my night.    

Get this.  He agreed.  He apologized.  He asked me to come over that night so he could prove that over the last couple of months he has gotten his shit together and that he was no longer crazy.  I told him that he just proved he was crazy... because no sane man would ever think that he could treat a woman the way he did and just be able to apologize and that woman would just go right over.  He told me that he meant what he was saying and that I would see.  I stopped talking to him. 

He contacted me the next day while I was at the race, so I told him who I was with, why I was there, and that I was having a good time.  He said he was happy for me, and that he still wanted to see me to talk and clear the air.  I am no dummy.  No thank you.

He continued to talk to me all this week and my icy disposition broke down a little more as the week went by.  He wasn't being anything but friendly, like he used to be when we first met.  

So Friday.  

My new-ish racer guy is really weird about making plans.  Don't misunderstand, I don't need concrete, set-in-stone plans, but I am not the girl who is your back up plan, or second thought.  Either you want to see me, or you don't.  If you don't, that's fine.  I wont be waiting.  His thing is, he wants to see me, but he wont just say a clear yes and then gets pissed when I give him the same treatment.  This has been ongoing, but this particular night he threw in a little twist.  He told me he was going riding with a bunch of his friends, I told him I would love to go with him.  He said he would rather just go out with them, mildly hurt I kept my game face on and played it cool, okay then, can we hang after?  "uhh yeah I am not really sure."  

Typical.  Whatever.  I picked up a shift at the bar so I was at least making money... that's when his best friend came in that I hung out with during the races.  "You coming with us tonight?  It will be a lot of fun!"  I glared at him and told him I wasn't invited.  

Very mature, I know.  Yeah my guy went riding with another girl instead.  And here is the real kicker, he posted a thing about it on facebook.  Uhh what the fuck just happened?  She is his best "girl friend" which hey, I get that, but come on... not the best way of going about all that !

When I politely asked him about it he said that I wouldn't have had any fun.  (You know because he knows me just that well apparently to decide that for me.) And that he didn't tell me because he knew I would be upset about this other girl.  Okay, so you wanna hang out now then since your done riding with 'all your friends'.  No, that girl wants to go out together now.  Hmm okay.  

Yeah well... Guys are morons.  So I did what I do best. I sink to their level.  

I sent three words to Nick.  Let's hang out.  We have never just hung out so let's just say I can't deny what my intentions were.  What I didn't expect was for him to say yes, and that before we go back to my place I should come to a fire at his friends house.  Interesting development.  I assumed it was just him and one of his guy friends.  Nope.  It was a ton of people that he has told me about, but I have never met...including the notorious best friend Stacey who told him to stay away from me in the beginning. 

I pulled up, and panicked.  

Surprisingly, she greeted me, then introduced herself and her friends.  Nick came up and introduced me to the rest of the people there.  When we sat down he asked me if I was okay, and I confessed that I wasn't prepared for an outdoor adventure and I was cold.  He hooked me up with a jacket and then said that being physically comfortable wasn't what he meant.  I was confused.  He asked if I wanted to just leave with him.  I told him that I was fine and I again had a nice time with a group of strangers.  Nick held my hand off and on, and I let him.  He bumped me playfully and sang along in a silly voice to the 80's music we were listening to.  

He kept asking me if I was comfortable. I actually was.  

He said finally that we should leave.  Stacey pouted and then hugged him, and whispered something to him as we were leaving.  I would love to know what, but me being the laid back chick I am (what an illusion that is) I will never ask.  

He asked me to drive us.  I told him that if I drive us to my house I wouldn't be taking him home until the morning.  He told me that was the point, and that he was looking forward to it.  I looked at him skeptically and he smiled and winked.  "I told you I am different now."  

Well at least he knows that fucking me and then immediately rolling out is rude.  

I am so confused about what happened after, and I am trying not to think much about it at all but it is hard.  

He asked me to leave town with him.  

He got a job out of state teaching, which is exactly what I want to do, and he said it's time we just figure this shit out.  My mind is blown.  I still haven't recovered from my initial thought of fuck it, let's go. 

 Everything is so fucked up right now anyways.  Jim and I are filing for a divorce and that's getting unbelievably messy.  He has yet again, drug my family into it, so I am avoiding them.  My best friend decided that now is a good time to become friends with him because they go to the same gym now... (Uhh, no, that's shitty.)  My co-worker at the bar I work at used to see the racer guy, so she secretly hates me, and I feel really shitty about all that because yeah... that sucks, I actually really like her.  I don't have a teaching job lined up in PA, nor have I even bothered trying, and to top it all off I have been having trouble running due to my asthma and allergies so I cannot even blow off steam.  My head is whirling constantly.  

As I said, the days drag on, and I feel every minute tick by painfully, yet at the same time I cannot keep up with it.  

All that has created this fucked up mind set I have, where I am either balling my eyes our or manically spazzing about. No one seems to know how to help, and frankly I don't want their help anyways.  So yeah, being impulsive and running away with a horrible man who excites me seems logical right now.  Even as I typed that I know it is crazy.  

I just want to be able to start over.