Let me put on a show for you

I almost erased you.  As I do with so many things I tire of.

I chose not to.

I needed to be able to look back.  To remember.  To accept what I am capable of.  My thoughts, however reckless and pointless follow a pattern.

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot break the cycle.  I have tried doing it naturally.  Through hard work and a healthy lifestyle I found loosing weight to be simple and superficial, but more than my muscles ached at night.  I tried medication.  I still take those three little pills at the designated times daily.  They make me sleepy but then comes the night- no sleep to be had.  I lie here awake dwelling on all the things I cannot change about myself.

I have tried drinking away my memories but I am both blessed and cursed with a vivid memory.  There are so many nights I would rather just forget.

Intimacy, however brief, is a quick fix.  What goes up must come down.  The farther I fly, the harder I crash.

I have tried short and long term.  I am just not capable of being what they need, nor will they ever meet my standards.  I put on a good show.  I can be exactly what people want me to be.  The man in my life once called me manipulative.  I disagreed.  But only because of the situation he was suggesting.  In that case I was being genuine, a rarity I suppose, but I felt insulted that he called me that when my motives were entirely pure.  In that case.  He is a smart man.  He thinks he is smarter than he is though.  I keep telling him I am a bad person.  He politely disagrees.  Fool.  I am a terrible person.  Incapable of normal companionship.

Over-evaluating, impatient, and quick to anger.  Heaven forbid I just get over things.

I swear I am going to punch the poor fool in the throat the next time he asks, "so your willing to just ruin perfectly good days over something so stupid?"  -Yes you asshole.  I am fucked up.  Haven't you noticed?  So stop giving me reasons to feel shitty.

At work I am graceful.  I saw this video a week or so ago promoting the company I work for.  Some kid made it as his senior project.  He did a nice job.  He came into my room one day with a camera and I assumed he was taking pictures of the room and my kids.  I ignored him and continued teaching.

He captured me working with a small group of my children.  I was down on the floor and we were all engaged in some activity- what we were doing is not important.  He didn't capture the sound, just our interactions.  I saw me.  But I was amazed that it was me.  I don't recognize that girl, but it was beautiful.  Not me, but the contentment.

I didn't see the sadness, the exhaustion, the thoughts of not existing.

So I did not delete you from my life.  You are still here.  I am still here.  Nothing has changed, yet everything has.  Divorce papers filed, weight lost put back on, new wall colors, new man, new job, yet everything is exactly the same.

I am still the girl full of secrets.  Full of chaos.