Let me put on a show for you

I almost erased you.  As I do with so many things I tire of.

I chose not to.

I needed to be able to look back.  To remember.  To accept what I am capable of.  My thoughts, however reckless and pointless follow a pattern.

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot break the cycle.  I have tried doing it naturally.  Through hard work and a healthy lifestyle I found loosing weight to be simple and superficial, but more than my muscles ached at night.  I tried medication.  I still take those three little pills at the designated times daily.  They make me sleepy but then comes the night- no sleep to be had.  I lie here awake dwelling on all the things I cannot change about myself.

I have tried drinking away my memories but I am both blessed and cursed with a vivid memory.  There are so many nights I would rather just forget.

Intimacy, however brief, is a quick fix.  What goes up must come down.  The farther I fly, the harder I crash.

I have tried short and long term.  I am just not capable of being what they need, nor will they ever meet my standards.  I put on a good show.  I can be exactly what people want me to be.  The man in my life once called me manipulative.  I disagreed.  But only because of the situation he was suggesting.  In that case I was being genuine, a rarity I suppose, but I felt insulted that he called me that when my motives were entirely pure.  In that case.  He is a smart man.  He thinks he is smarter than he is though.  I keep telling him I am a bad person.  He politely disagrees.  Fool.  I am a terrible person.  Incapable of normal companionship.

Over-evaluating, impatient, and quick to anger.  Heaven forbid I just get over things.

I swear I am going to punch the poor fool in the throat the next time he asks, "so your willing to just ruin perfectly good days over something so stupid?"  -Yes you asshole.  I am fucked up.  Haven't you noticed?  So stop giving me reasons to feel shitty.

At work I am graceful.  I saw this video a week or so ago promoting the company I work for.  Some kid made it as his senior project.  He did a nice job.  He came into my room one day with a camera and I assumed he was taking pictures of the room and my kids.  I ignored him and continued teaching.

He captured me working with a small group of my children.  I was down on the floor and we were all engaged in some activity- what we were doing is not important.  He didn't capture the sound, just our interactions.  I saw me.  But I was amazed that it was me.  I don't recognize that girl, but it was beautiful.  Not me, but the contentment.

I didn't see the sadness, the exhaustion, the thoughts of not existing.

So I did not delete you from my life.  You are still here.  I am still here.  Nothing has changed, yet everything has.  Divorce papers filed, weight lost put back on, new wall colors, new man, new job, yet everything is exactly the same.

I am still the girl full of secrets.  Full of chaos.

 

A Place to Rest Your Head

-But darling, What could you possibly be running from at this hour?

Everything.  

Don't look at me that way.

This is what mental illness looks like.  

Stop. Stare.  Can you tell? 

Don't move, sit perfectly still.  You might miss it.  

-Just breathe, you will be fine.  It's all in your head.

Hold my hand, prop me up, tell me I am special.

Take a piece of me.

You will think I'm better.

Low.  No hope.

Its a parasite.  It waits, bides its time.

Quiet, you will miss it.

-See that wasn't so bad.

              Now, let's see that smile.  

                         Good.  Isn't that better?

This is what mental illness looks like.

Invisible.  Silent.  Deceptive.

Look at that smile.

Fuck you.

Somewhere Around Midnight

Sitting on the dingy bar stool she haphazardly taps her empty bottle on the distant side of the bar. With her free hand she traces a scratch along the surface of the counter. The bartender hears her silent plea and hands her another, no words are spoken as he takes the old bottle from her hand.  It wouldn't have mattered if he had spoken, the music was thumping louder than either cared to speak.

Her body is already heavy from what she has consumed as she reaches slowly for her wallet. Another man hands the bartender cash.  He smiles down at her and she gives him the look she knows he is expecting.

She pretends to be interested as he speaks.  He pushes in close, she can feel the heat of his voice as he talks into her ear.  She shakes her head and touches his arm.  She laughs and she begins to be unsure if he is actually making her laugh or if she is just playing her part.  He buys her another drink.  The music doesn't seem as loud, her choices don't seem so bad, and the night is pulsing through her veins.
She looks across the room and sees so many faces.  So many people living out their lives.  Some were laughing, some sing, an old man sits alone at the bar, others dance, holding one another close; everyone has a role of their own.

One face stands out to her.

He never takes his eyes off her.  How long he had been there, she couldn't be sure.  He didn't look away when she made eye contact.  The look on his face was somewhere between rage and hurt.  She turns slowly back to her bottle and she takes a long hard drink.  As she swallows she steadies not only her hand, but her breathing.  She knows she isn't doing anything he hadn't done already, but guilt, longing, and memories course through her.  Sucking in the air that now seems incredibly stuffy, she turns to the man she is sitting with.  She excuses herself and walks quietly into the night.

The crisp air hits her face and as she walks under the street lights she feels haunted.  Looking behind her she is relieved to see that no one has followed.  She knows she should go home. She feels lost and scared, and it's safe there.  The thought of the silence that would surround her as she walks through the front door leads her to begin to dig in her purse.  She can't bear to be alone with her thoughts.  She pulls out her phone and slumps against the building's cold stone wall.  As she dials her bad choice, her fingers shake.  As she listens to the ringing in her ear, she closes her eyes.  Part of her prays he wont answer.

She hears his voice as he says hello and a lump forms in her throat.  Swallowing hard she whispers,
                                         "I have to see you tonight."

On your mark, get set, GO!

Everything happens so fast.

Days have a way of dragging by, yet life somehow whips past. I keep missing things.   

I can't keep up. I have mastered the day-to-day things.  I rock at professional and occupational multitasking, however I have managed to fuck up my personal life in a way that I can't wrap my brain around.  I'm constantly thinking something along the lines of, "what in the hell just happened?"

This time last week I was sitting with a group of people I had only just met, genuinely enjoying myself.  They were friends of a guy I have been seeing for over a month now.  We have been quiet about our -for a lack of a better word- relationship... type thing.  He begged me to come see him race, which is something he is really good at, and is extremely passionate about.  I was only hesitant because I knew it meant taking things a little further than our semi-on-the-down-low, private and experimental, time that we have been spending together.  I finally said yes and told him that I would try my best to get up out of bed that early to leave with him.  He insisted that he spend the night to guarantee I would be there with him.  Mildly annoying, but flattering.  So I went.  

He failed to mention that I would also be meeting his family... So yeah.  That was fun.  I say it sarcastically and with a bit of resentment now, but honestly it wasn't bad at all.  I spent the day with mostly his friends because he had to go off and do his thing, but I really enjoyed  myself.  I heard his best friend tell him that he better keep me around, and my racer guy said he intended to,

Here is where things, as usual, get fucked up.. The night before the race, Nick contacted me. You know, narcissistic Nick.  I told him that I deliberately stopped talking to him for a reason and that he was a fucked up human.  I was proud of me and when about my night.    

Get this.  He agreed.  He apologized.  He asked me to come over that night so he could prove that over the last couple of months he has gotten his shit together and that he was no longer crazy.  I told him that he just proved he was crazy... because no sane man would ever think that he could treat a woman the way he did and just be able to apologize and that woman would just go right over.  He told me that he meant what he was saying and that I would see.  I stopped talking to him. 

He contacted me the next day while I was at the race, so I told him who I was with, why I was there, and that I was having a good time.  He said he was happy for me, and that he still wanted to see me to talk and clear the air.  I am no dummy.  No thank you.

He continued to talk to me all this week and my icy disposition broke down a little more as the week went by.  He wasn't being anything but friendly, like he used to be when we first met.  

So Friday.  

My new-ish racer guy is really weird about making plans.  Don't misunderstand, I don't need concrete, set-in-stone plans, but I am not the girl who is your back up plan, or second thought.  Either you want to see me, or you don't.  If you don't, that's fine.  I wont be waiting.  His thing is, he wants to see me, but he wont just say a clear yes and then gets pissed when I give him the same treatment.  This has been ongoing, but this particular night he threw in a little twist.  He told me he was going riding with a bunch of his friends, I told him I would love to go with him.  He said he would rather just go out with them, mildly hurt I kept my game face on and played it cool, okay then, can we hang after?  "uhh yeah I am not really sure."  

Typical.  Whatever.  I picked up a shift at the bar so I was at least making money... that's when his best friend came in that I hung out with during the races.  "You coming with us tonight?  It will be a lot of fun!"  I glared at him and told him I wasn't invited.  

Very mature, I know.  Yeah my guy went riding with another girl instead.  And here is the real kicker, he posted a thing about it on facebook.  Uhh what the fuck just happened?  She is his best "girl friend" which hey, I get that, but come on... not the best way of going about all that !

When I politely asked him about it he said that I wouldn't have had any fun.  (You know because he knows me just that well apparently to decide that for me.) And that he didn't tell me because he knew I would be upset about this other girl.  Okay, so you wanna hang out now then since your done riding with 'all your friends'.  No, that girl wants to go out together now.  Hmm okay.  

Yeah well... Guys are morons.  So I did what I do best. I sink to their level.  

I sent three words to Nick.  Let's hang out.  We have never just hung out so let's just say I can't deny what my intentions were.  What I didn't expect was for him to say yes, and that before we go back to my place I should come to a fire at his friends house.  Interesting development.  I assumed it was just him and one of his guy friends.  Nope.  It was a ton of people that he has told me about, but I have never met...including the notorious best friend Stacey who told him to stay away from me in the beginning. 

I pulled up, and panicked.  

Surprisingly, she greeted me, then introduced herself and her friends.  Nick came up and introduced me to the rest of the people there.  When we sat down he asked me if I was okay, and I confessed that I wasn't prepared for an outdoor adventure and I was cold.  He hooked me up with a jacket and then said that being physically comfortable wasn't what he meant.  I was confused.  He asked if I wanted to just leave with him.  I told him that I was fine and I again had a nice time with a group of strangers.  Nick held my hand off and on, and I let him.  He bumped me playfully and sang along in a silly voice to the 80's music we were listening to.  

He kept asking me if I was comfortable. I actually was.  

He said finally that we should leave.  Stacey pouted and then hugged him, and whispered something to him as we were leaving.  I would love to know what, but me being the laid back chick I am (what an illusion that is) I will never ask.  

He asked me to drive us.  I told him that if I drive us to my house I wouldn't be taking him home until the morning.  He told me that was the point, and that he was looking forward to it.  I looked at him skeptically and he smiled and winked.  "I told you I am different now."  

Well at least he knows that fucking me and then immediately rolling out is rude.  

I am so confused about what happened after, and I am trying not to think much about it at all but it is hard.  

He asked me to leave town with him.  

He got a job out of state teaching, which is exactly what I want to do, and he said it's time we just figure this shit out.  My mind is blown.  I still haven't recovered from my initial thought of fuck it, let's go. 

 Everything is so fucked up right now anyways.  Jim and I are filing for a divorce and that's getting unbelievably messy.  He has yet again, drug my family into it, so I am avoiding them.  My best friend decided that now is a good time to become friends with him because they go to the same gym now... (Uhh, no, that's shitty.)  My co-worker at the bar I work at used to see the racer guy, so she secretly hates me, and I feel really shitty about all that because yeah... that sucks, I actually really like her.  I don't have a teaching job lined up in PA, nor have I even bothered trying, and to top it all off I have been having trouble running due to my asthma and allergies so I cannot even blow off steam.  My head is whirling constantly.  

As I said, the days drag on, and I feel every minute tick by painfully, yet at the same time I cannot keep up with it.  

All that has created this fucked up mind set I have, where I am either balling my eyes our or manically spazzing about. No one seems to know how to help, and frankly I don't want their help anyways.  So yeah, being impulsive and running away with a horrible man who excites me seems logical right now.  Even as I typed that I know it is crazy.  

I just want to be able to start over. 

  

In Search of Life Coach:

I have sat down at my computer with the intent of writing about a dozen times in the last few weeks but have decided against it.  Words are even failing me.

Let me just say it bluntly.  I am pretty much a fuck up these days. I guess I should clarify, I am rocking my professional life.  It seems like the further I advance academically and professionally, the more poor decisions I make on a personal level.

My days are long, but my nights are longer.  When I am not working at the bar, I am out with my friends usually in one.  I spend very little time alone these days.  I am back to not knowing how to be alone.  I hate it.  It is amazing how easy it is to make new friends.  When I am up, like in the early hours of the night, I apparently have amazing people skills... give it a few hours.  What goes up must go down.

I feel like I have lost so much of old self piece by piece.  Person by person, boy by boy, I lose myself.  I play it fast and cool.  I am too tough and independent to care about how shitty people are.  Fuck them right?  Their loss, I am fantastic.

Reality check.  I feel everything.

This is why when I leave Nick's house, or he leaves mine, and I am feeling absolutely worthless,, pathetic, and am convincing myself that I will never again talk to that asshole, I inevitably end up right back where I started a week later.  Underneath him questioning my existence.

Nick is the least of my problems honestly.  I could easily have my own reality show based on my fuck-ups.  Fuck-ups is code for boys I was dumb enough to bring home.

Meh.

Fuck Florida

How can one person be, at the same time, so indecisive and completely impulsive?

Little things I think about for days.  Should I get Zooey bangs or keep my hair long?  Do I really want a second piece of cheesecake?  Should I get up early and run, or wait until this evening? These questions roll about in my brain for hours and days at a time, yet actual big decisions I leap into without a thought.  Well there is thought.  Lots of thoughts, Just too late.

I called it.  Mister hot cop guy I met last Thursday and then proceeded to have four nights of one night stands hopped on a plane to go back home Monday morning not to be heard from again.  As I dropped him off he kissed me hard and told me he would call me that night.  Me being the cynic that I am, figured he wouldn't, but I hoped very much that he would.  I told him that it was lovely meeting him, and he told me I was the best part of his trip.  I said jokingly that of course I was.  

He got out, waved, told me he would see me in a month when he came back up.

Yeah.  Almost three days later, nadda.  Adding him to my ever growing list of jackasses.

I haven't heard from Narcissistic Nick in almost two weeks, it figures he would be pestering me tonight, the first night I am feeling shitty and lonely.  There I was running my ass off, quite literally, and my phone lit up.  I checked it eagerly, and quite pathetically I might add, in hopes that it was my long distance man, only to see that it was Nick.  I tossed the phone back onto the treadmill shelf and upped my speed.  Not today pal.  Again it lit up and chimed in my ear.  What are you doing tonight.  Not you I thought.  Oh, I am hilarious... I ran harder.  The sweat rolled and another thirty minutes trickled by.  I ran until my legs ached, my lungs heaved, and my body was drenched.  Like a good girl I came home, I have made a resolution to stay home and lock my doors.

Now I just have to convince myself to not let anyone in. Literally and metaphorically speaking.

Maybe I need to move to Florida???

Hemingway said something along the lines of, "write drunk edit later" well here we are in phase one of that two step instruction.  Don't judge. 

I walk into my third job (Job one=student teaching, job two=working with kids in an after school program, job three=bar-tending/waitress) and there is a gorgeous solemn looking man sitting at the bar.  He looks young, but built, and handsome.  No smiles on his end.  He doesn't seem to notice anyone around him but the guy he is drinking with, which naturally intrigues me.  

The bar was busy but I was not bar-tending so off I went to my section.  I noticed him all night.  Never interacting with the girls who came by trying to talk.  I observed for a while before asking the girl working the bar as to who he was.  She told me three facts: 1. his name 2. that he had a girl friend but was having issues from what she heard 3. that she would take him home in a heartbeat.  I laughed and went about my business.  It was busy for a Thursday so I didn't have much time to stop and think. 

It got busy enough that I was back behind the bar helping out and I couldn't help but hear his conversation with his friend.  He was essentially in my old situation except he is the other guy.  He was in love with a girl who was married.  I had to laugh.  Ironic.  He was talking about giving the chick an ultimatum... I really wanted to tell him how shitty of an idea that was, but it is poor bar manners to eaves drop so I pretended not to notice him.  

I heard them talking about leaving (this saddened me a bit given he was really nice to look at) but I didn't think too much about it.  Throughout my observations of this guy, not totally intentional, its a semi small bar, I saw him reject two decent looking chicks asking trying to talk to him.   Well obviously he was unavailable.  Forgetting all about him  I began talking to another customer about potentially moving out of state.  I told him how I drove the day before to a job fair and applied at school districts in Florida, North Carolina, and Virginia.  The mystery man came out of no where and asked me where in Florida I was talking.  I told him anywhere warm near a beach that would take me.  He told me that he knew a lot of people in the schools in a certain area and that he could give them my name.  

I stared at him for a moment skeptically and then I thought, well what the hell.  I asked him how he had these connections.  He told me he was a cop there.  I told him he looked too young to be a cop and that I didn't believe him.  (I did, but hey, I was bored. Prove it. haha)  He did.  He showed me his little identification card.  I told him it could be a fake.  So he showed me pictures of him in uniform.  (OH MY GOD SO FUCKING HOT), I was totally fucking with him.  It was hilarious.  But I just wanted to keep him talking to me.  

He told me that if I gave him my name and number he would hook me up with some contacts.  (A complete line I'm sure, but what the hell, I was flattered and the look from the other bartender who is much younger and cuter than me made it so worth it.) I wrote my name and number down and slid it across the bar.  He told me he would contact me soon.  I said goodbye. 

Not five minutes after he left my phone went off. Not going to lie.  I was pretty freaking happy.  I have done nothing but work, teach, and dwell on shitty situations with the selfish asshole I have been messed up with for over 5 months now, so it was really nice having a guy who shot down other people seeking me out.  He told me to meet him after work.  I said no because he was a stranger..AKA I am a chicken shit, and he is way out of my league. 

He sent me a text around midnight asking where I was.  I told him that we were closing up the bar since all our customers had left.  He told me he was on his way back.  He came  back with his friend, and they were both really impaired.  I let them through the locked door and my co worker gave me a wink and went into the back.  He was much more flirtatious, and his friend set his head down on the bar.  He was to the point of passing out.  I laughed at him and took the next thirty minutes drinking a beer, finishing up closing the bar, and talking to the cute guy who came back for me.  

Yeah.   I took him home with me.  My co-worker made all sorts of inappropriate comments to me as I walked out the door with him.  I figured I would never see him again anyways.  Seems to be a theme with any guy I am attracted to.

He came on hot and heavy and I let him... with a little protesting... I did feel bad about it. I really didn't know him. He asked what was the worst thing that could happen... I laughed.  He asked if I thought that he wouldn't contact  me again after.  I told him it was a valid concern. He kissed me hard. 

Ultimately I let it happen..  After it was over I went to get up.  He pulled me back and asked why I didn't want to cuddle.  I looked at him in my pale bedroom light, this gorgeous stranger, and nuzzled into his warm sturdy chest.  I was so used to Nick pushing me aside after.  I forgot what it was like to have someone still like me after.  I fell asleep in his arms and had weird dreams... weird, but good.  My alarm went off  only two hours later to go student teach... I realized there was a stranger still in my bed and I wasn't sure how to politely make him leave.  I ended up deciding that he was a cop... and that he must be at least slightly trustworthy.  I left him a note asking him to lock up... I assumed I wouldn't see him again.

Nahhhh.  He has spent another two nights with me since Thursday.  We have spent every minute I am not working together.  One night we didn't do anything but cuddle and talk.  We discussed his not-for-real-girl that he was into in Florida, and I told him my history.  We both agree that it is ironic how similar the situations are.  He told me Nick was an idiot.  I naturally agreed.

He is leaving tomorrow.  I am not going to lie.  I am pretty bummed about it.  Figures the first guy I like would live on the opposite side of the country. Shit.

So I decided to drink tonight.   I am so tired of being me.  I realize that I probably on some subconscious level liked him more because he is unavailable to me.  

Well if nothing else I am a hero at work.  The girls I work with all would have loved to be the one who scored the time with him... so it has been hilarious listening to them talk about it.  (The bartender that night told everyone that I left with him. Oh well)

He told me he would try to see me tonight after seeing his family... probably isn't going to happen.  I am refraining from being pathetic about it, so I wont push.  I am adding this one to my list of fuck ups.  

At least he was nice to me,  I learned one thing.  I liked it.  I deserve a nice gorgeous man who can get my attention, keep it, and treat me nicely in the process.  

I just need to find one in the same state as me.