Little plans and Schemes

I miss my husband.  I feel homesick in my own home.  I took down most of our photos because I cannot bear to see our smiling faces, but I did not put them away.  I moved them into another room.  Where I arranged them neatly on a table.  The photos represent how I felt about our relationship.  I cannot bear to see it, or deal with it right now, but I couldn't just throw it away.  I simply needed space from it.  I love the man I married, he just lost me.  I lost me.  Well I have found myself and he doesn't like it.

He told me I will never be happy without him and if I don't take him back he hopes "I regret it everyday for the rest of my life. "  He points to all of our stuff and says I would have nothing without him.  (Like I have not always supported myself prior to meeting him.)  He says if I am not happy with him I never will be happy.  That's the moment I knew we were not fixable.  I don't want to be with someone because they say I need them for financial or security reasons.  I want to need someone, but the kind of need like I cannot bear to live without them, not the stuff they buy for us, or because they tell me I have to.

My husbands new trashy looking girl friend, that I can handle, his insistence that I know about it, that too I can take...bring it on actually. His hypocritical judgments and meddling, that will be my breaking point. What part of leave me alone is so hard to comprehend?  We both agree.  We are done.  No working through it, no time apart.  Done.  Then why does he get to keep tossing about rumors and accusations?

Who would have thought a grown man would be such a drama king.  It's pathetic really.

I have set in motion my newest plan.  I am ridding myself of anything or anyone who connects me with my old life.  Our mutual friends?  He can have them.  My family has seen his true colors lately, so they are no longer giving me the "oh your poor husband still loves you so much" lectures.  Apparently him showing up at my mother's house singing the blues and then a few days later parading his new girl around town where my mother saw them ruined his act.  I let him, I didn't defend myself or my actions even to my own mother, in the chance that if he and I had a shot ever fixing our marriage, turning my mother against him wouldn't help anyone.  He is a confirmed idiot.  The only one who holds grudges longer than me, is my mother. He definitely should have kept her out of it.

Anyways, my plan.  Friends are his.  Anything materialistically speaking, he can have.  I don't want our acquired shit.  He sold our jeep (which is in my name that my mortgage being refinanced payed off) and bought a truck apparently.  Without mentioning it to me other than TELLING me, not asking me, to sign off on the title.  I decided I was in no hurry to do that currently.  I am ever so busy.... it might take some time to get all the way there (a five minute drive) to sign off.  I don't like being bullied.  

I got a new job this morning.  So I will have something to keep myself out of trouble during my nights and weekends.  This will also help sever ties to my husband more quickly, financially speaking.  I am also toying with the idea of selling my home.  This is painful to think about.  I love it.  I have poured myself into every room, and it was mine long before even meeting my husband, but it is a burden in many ways.  The memories, the upkeep, the plans we had for it, all weigh on me daily.  A fresh start will probably require it be one of the first things to go.

Overall, I am happier.  I am sad.  Don't get me wrong.  I have never been so sad, or so often.  But it is a different kind of sad.  It's manageable.  When I break down and ball my eyes out it isn't because I don't know how to pick myself back up and keep going, it is because I am mourning the loss of a simple life that I could have had.  Now things are hard, and messy, but they are mine.  No bullying from a husband.  No guilt trips.  No silent wars.  It is just me.  It is lonely, but then again, I was lonely with him. I have to keep reminding myself of that.  It is easy to get lost when you are sad and lonely.

But don't we all know, I know how to fix lonely....

But now I am not ruining my self worth by having to be dishonest and sneaky.

Every day is a battle.  But as cliche as it sounds I have no intention of fighting this war he is trying to create.  I am living defensively and quietly.  He is being loud, threatening lawyers, and violent acts.  I keep a smile on my face so when he sees me he has no idea he is hurting me.  Even when he isn't around I hold my head up, and my mouth closed.  He has spies everywhere.  This town is poison.

I am better than all of it.

Just a Dumb Girl and a Letter Never Meant to be Sent

I am not a dumb girl.  Repeat that to yourself a few times. 

Okay, now breathe in, breathe out.  Focus. 

If I am not dumb...

Then why in the fuck do I keep doing dumb things?!

I mean, I have always made mistakes.  Lots and lots of them.  It is sort of my thing.   They make for clever anecdotes, things to laugh about in the long run, but I never ever repeat them.  So why do I repeatedly get sucked into this vortex of self destruction?  

I let people be my anchors.  That is my first mistake.  

People aren't constant.  I need constant.  Everyone needs basic consistencies in their lives.  Basic stability.  I need things that when I feel myself slipping, when I notice I am spiraling out of control, I can steady myself with, something rock solid to hold on to.  I don't need to be searching for something when I am in that out-of-control state.  That's what I have been doing.  Searching, grasping, clinging to anything that makes me feel like my feet are on the ground when in fact they aren't.  I find bad things when I am searching while in the twisted mindset. 

People aren't constant and cannot be found in a moment of mania.  Well, they can be, but usually the ones I find aren't the kind I should be surrounding myself with, despite what they may appear at first. People are funny that way.  Especially certain men I have found in the last few months.  They see something off about you.  They like the quirky, slightly broken, stubborn and feisty girl they see, they seem to know what I need to hear, need to see.  Maybe they don't have bad intentions to begin with, I don't know.  Who can ever really know someone else's intentions.  Ultimately though, they turn out to be the same.  They present themselves in a non-threatening manner and when I stop and let my guard down.  Bam.  Dumb girl.  What a dumb pathetic girl.  

Writing is a constant.  But I have to settle down enough to actually sit and formulate coherent words in my head and be able to translate them into actual words that other people can understand.  That takes time and a certain mindset that I do not always have.  

I am disconnecting from so many people.  Searching for reasons to cut them out.  Just give me a reason, I dare you.  Some people make it too easy. 

I will not keep being a dumb silly girl.  (Repeat that one to yourself too.)

Dearest Matt, 

You my dear, were very good.  Took it slow.  Kept it steady.  Pushed just hard enough to get me to open up, without pushing too hard to be annoying or forceful.  You were kind and gentle.  Reliable.  You dealt with my situation with me, not for me, or without leaving me to fend for myself.  That was something you didn't have to do, and I certainly didn't ask you to.  You dealt with my angry husband with grace, you were kind and respectful of his hurt feelings.  It's funny how you knew not to come on too strong with me, even once we established a comfort zone, because I would spook, and I loved that you at the same time did not take me, or the time that I gave you for granted.  You complimented my personality, my spirit, made me feel smart again.  

A few nights ago I finally told you my whole story.  The version that I have shared with only a few real people in my life and then anonymously via my blog.  And it was not just the chopped up version that you had before.  It was not pretty, but I was honest.  You didn't judge me.  You pulled me in and told me that I am a strong woman and that I would be just fine.  That whatever we were, we would be just fine. 

A weight lifted off my chest as I confessed the things I have done, the places I have found myself in, the thoughts I have had, the frightening thoughts I am still having.  You listened and shared some secrets of your own.  

That night we stayed up talking and sharing other intimate moments.  Yesterday morning, we made plans to see each other last night, nothing major just something to look forward to.  My last certification test was yesterday afternoon and you said we would be celebrating my success, because you knew I was going to nail it.  

I was annoyed when you didn't show up on time, and I was slightly secretly pissed when you told me that you had to hang with the guys for a bit first because you haven't spent much time with them lately.  I was okay with what you were doing, but since you didn't care to give me a heads up prior I felt a little stood up.  -But hey, I'm flexible, or trying to be.  You aren't my boyfriend and I don't want to be any ones anything for a while.  Do what you want.  

I became angry when hours later I was still waiting on you.  I told you I was going to bed and to have a good night.  Code for, your an asshole, and by the way, strike one.  

Then my dear you fucked up.  You went directly to strike three and you are out of here.  

We have mutual friends and they all are religious Snapchat users.  You know all those times last night at the bar they were laughing, talking, and singing into their phones?  Yeah they then drunkenly sent them to all of their Snapchat friends, I was blessed to be one of those friends. 

I particularly loved the one that woke me up with you and that pretty little brunette in the background.  That one was my favorite, especially since I just told you the night before how I got the pleasure of finding out the truth about Nick and his girl in that gut wrenching first person manner too.  It is one thing to hear about something, another to see it yourself.   I told you how each week I have to see him and how it makes me physically sick to my stomach how stupid I felt to of been played like that.

This one at least wasn't a face-to-face 'oh so this must be me being replaced and you didn't tell me' moment, it was just a lucky accident.  Again, karma.  I deserve this.  I deserved to be sad and alone in my bed last night. But honestly, I just didn't see it coming.  She was very cute by the way, and every time she touched you, and worse you touched her, I didn't feel jealous by the way.  I felt... cold.  The lump in my throat threatened tears, but not for you, I can be over you as easily as everything else I have overcame as of late.  

So like I said.  You were good my dear.  Real good.   

You are not an anchor for me. 

I will not just be a dumb girl.    

Painting Fake Realities

It's very easy to forget the big picture of the mess your in when you get caught up in a series of little moments.

I find peace in the small fractions of time when I don't have to think.  I just act.  A calm washes over me where I am certain that I will be okay, that I am okay actually. I long for those small moments to become my reality.

These moments come to me in the form of the adrenalin rushes at the gym or running the cold winter streets of this stupid little town.  The simplicity of the warm supportive arms of Matt where I have been finding myself  more and more frequently paints a fake reality that in the moment seems just right, laughing and talking about nothing important for hours at a time, not a thought as to what happens in the morning when we both have to go back to our real lives.  Then there are those times while teaching and helping the children who have become such a big part of my life, their small optimistic existence never ceases to bring me out of whatever funk I have found myself in. There is also the small amount of time where I simply curl up in my bed with a glass of wine and a good book.  I block the big picture of my life and just savor the moment.

But reality check.      


My house seems to be my anchor.  Both the anchor keeping me safe from floating off to sea to potentially never be seen or heard from again, but also the weight dragging me along, preventing me from moving to calmer waters.  Jim is the rough water.  I am the one who stirred it up, but there is no calming it.  It will tear us both apart just for the sake of staying together.  If I could just leave him everything I would.  He doesn't want it.  Neither do I.  It traps me.

This weekend was a series of small moments but when I woke up this morning I remembered that although our lives are made up of a series of small moments, you cannot escape the reality of your life.