In Search of Life Coach:

I have sat down at my computer with the intent of writing about a dozen times in the last few weeks but have decided against it.  Words are even failing me.

Let me just say it bluntly.  I am pretty much a fuck up these days. I guess I should clarify, I am rocking my professional life.  It seems like the further I advance academically and professionally, the more poor decisions I make on a personal level.

My days are long, but my nights are longer.  When I am not working at the bar, I am out with my friends usually in one.  I spend very little time alone these days.  I am back to not knowing how to be alone.  I hate it.  It is amazing how easy it is to make new friends.  When I am up, like in the early hours of the night, I apparently have amazing people skills... give it a few hours.  What goes up must go down.

I feel like I have lost so much of old self piece by piece.  Person by person, boy by boy, I lose myself.  I play it fast and cool.  I am too tough and independent to care about how shitty people are.  Fuck them right?  Their loss, I am fantastic.

Reality check.  I feel everything.

This is why when I leave Nick's house, or he leaves mine, and I am feeling absolutely worthless,, pathetic, and am convincing myself that I will never again talk to that asshole, I inevitably end up right back where I started a week later.  Underneath him questioning my existence.

Nick is the least of my problems honestly.  I could easily have my own reality show based on my fuck-ups.  Fuck-ups is code for boys I was dumb enough to bring home.

Meh.

Fuck Florida

How can one person be, at the same time, so indecisive and completely impulsive?

Little things I think about for days.  Should I get Zooey bangs or keep my hair long?  Do I really want a second piece of cheesecake?  Should I get up early and run, or wait until this evening? These questions roll about in my brain for hours and days at a time, yet actual big decisions I leap into without a thought.  Well there is thought.  Lots of thoughts, Just too late.

I called it.  Mister hot cop guy I met last Thursday and then proceeded to have four nights of one night stands hopped on a plane to go back home Monday morning not to be heard from again.  As I dropped him off he kissed me hard and told me he would call me that night.  Me being the cynic that I am, figured he wouldn't, but I hoped very much that he would.  I told him that it was lovely meeting him, and he told me I was the best part of his trip.  I said jokingly that of course I was.  

He got out, waved, told me he would see me in a month when he came back up.

Yeah.  Almost three days later, nadda.  Adding him to my ever growing list of jackasses.

I haven't heard from Narcissistic Nick in almost two weeks, it figures he would be pestering me tonight, the first night I am feeling shitty and lonely.  There I was running my ass off, quite literally, and my phone lit up.  I checked it eagerly, and quite pathetically I might add, in hopes that it was my long distance man, only to see that it was Nick.  I tossed the phone back onto the treadmill shelf and upped my speed.  Not today pal.  Again it lit up and chimed in my ear.  What are you doing tonight.  Not you I thought.  Oh, I am hilarious... I ran harder.  The sweat rolled and another thirty minutes trickled by.  I ran until my legs ached, my lungs heaved, and my body was drenched.  Like a good girl I came home, I have made a resolution to stay home and lock my doors.

Now I just have to convince myself to not let anyone in. Literally and metaphorically speaking.