In Search of Life Coach:

I have sat down at my computer with the intent of writing about a dozen times in the last few weeks but have decided against it.  Words are even failing me.

Let me just say it bluntly.  I am pretty much a fuck up these days. I guess I should clarify, I am rocking my professional life.  It seems like the further I advance academically and professionally, the more poor decisions I make on a personal level.

My days are long, but my nights are longer.  When I am not working at the bar, I am out with my friends usually in one.  I spend very little time alone these days.  I am back to not knowing how to be alone.  I hate it.  It is amazing how easy it is to make new friends.  When I am up, like in the early hours of the night, I apparently have amazing people skills... give it a few hours.  What goes up must go down.

I feel like I have lost so much of old self piece by piece.  Person by person, boy by boy, I lose myself.  I play it fast and cool.  I am too tough and independent to care about how shitty people are.  Fuck them right?  Their loss, I am fantastic.

Reality check.  I feel everything.

This is why when I leave Nick's house, or he leaves mine, and I am feeling absolutely worthless,, pathetic, and am convincing myself that I will never again talk to that asshole, I inevitably end up right back where I started a week later.  Underneath him questioning my existence.

Nick is the least of my problems honestly.  I could easily have my own reality show based on my fuck-ups.  Fuck-ups is code for boys I was dumb enough to bring home.

Meh.

Fuck Florida

How can one person be, at the same time, so indecisive and completely impulsive?

Little things I think about for days.  Should I get Zooey bangs or keep my hair long?  Do I really want a second piece of cheesecake?  Should I get up early and run, or wait until this evening? These questions roll about in my brain for hours and days at a time, yet actual big decisions I leap into without a thought.  Well there is thought.  Lots of thoughts, Just too late.

I called it.  Mister hot cop guy I met last Thursday and then proceeded to have four nights of one night stands hopped on a plane to go back home Monday morning not to be heard from again.  As I dropped him off he kissed me hard and told me he would call me that night.  Me being the cynic that I am, figured he wouldn't, but I hoped very much that he would.  I told him that it was lovely meeting him, and he told me I was the best part of his trip.  I said jokingly that of course I was.  

He got out, waved, told me he would see me in a month when he came back up.

Yeah.  Almost three days later, nadda.  Adding him to my ever growing list of jackasses.

I haven't heard from Narcissistic Nick in almost two weeks, it figures he would be pestering me tonight, the first night I am feeling shitty and lonely.  There I was running my ass off, quite literally, and my phone lit up.  I checked it eagerly, and quite pathetically I might add, in hopes that it was my long distance man, only to see that it was Nick.  I tossed the phone back onto the treadmill shelf and upped my speed.  Not today pal.  Again it lit up and chimed in my ear.  What are you doing tonight.  Not you I thought.  Oh, I am hilarious... I ran harder.  The sweat rolled and another thirty minutes trickled by.  I ran until my legs ached, my lungs heaved, and my body was drenched.  Like a good girl I came home, I have made a resolution to stay home and lock my doors.

Now I just have to convince myself to not let anyone in. Literally and metaphorically speaking.

Maybe I need to move to Florida???

Hemingway said something along the lines of, "write drunk edit later" well here we are in phase one of that two step instruction.  Don't judge. 

I walk into my third job (Job one=student teaching, job two=working with kids in an after school program, job three=bar-tending/waitress) and there is a gorgeous solemn looking man sitting at the bar.  He looks young, but built, and handsome.  No smiles on his end.  He doesn't seem to notice anyone around him but the guy he is drinking with, which naturally intrigues me.  

The bar was busy but I was not bar-tending so off I went to my section.  I noticed him all night.  Never interacting with the girls who came by trying to talk.  I observed for a while before asking the girl working the bar as to who he was.  She told me three facts: 1. his name 2. that he had a girl friend but was having issues from what she heard 3. that she would take him home in a heartbeat.  I laughed and went about my business.  It was busy for a Thursday so I didn't have much time to stop and think. 

It got busy enough that I was back behind the bar helping out and I couldn't help but hear his conversation with his friend.  He was essentially in my old situation except he is the other guy.  He was in love with a girl who was married.  I had to laugh.  Ironic.  He was talking about giving the chick an ultimatum... I really wanted to tell him how shitty of an idea that was, but it is poor bar manners to eaves drop so I pretended not to notice him.  

I heard them talking about leaving (this saddened me a bit given he was really nice to look at) but I didn't think too much about it.  Throughout my observations of this guy, not totally intentional, its a semi small bar, I saw him reject two decent looking chicks asking trying to talk to him.   Well obviously he was unavailable.  Forgetting all about him  I began talking to another customer about potentially moving out of state.  I told him how I drove the day before to a job fair and applied at school districts in Florida, North Carolina, and Virginia.  The mystery man came out of no where and asked me where in Florida I was talking.  I told him anywhere warm near a beach that would take me.  He told me that he knew a lot of people in the schools in a certain area and that he could give them my name.  

I stared at him for a moment skeptically and then I thought, well what the hell.  I asked him how he had these connections.  He told me he was a cop there.  I told him he looked too young to be a cop and that I didn't believe him.  (I did, but hey, I was bored. Prove it. haha)  He did.  He showed me his little identification card.  I told him it could be a fake.  So he showed me pictures of him in uniform.  (OH MY GOD SO FUCKING HOT), I was totally fucking with him.  It was hilarious.  But I just wanted to keep him talking to me.  

He told me that if I gave him my name and number he would hook me up with some contacts.  (A complete line I'm sure, but what the hell, I was flattered and the look from the other bartender who is much younger and cuter than me made it so worth it.) I wrote my name and number down and slid it across the bar.  He told me he would contact me soon.  I said goodbye. 

Not five minutes after he left my phone went off. Not going to lie.  I was pretty freaking happy.  I have done nothing but work, teach, and dwell on shitty situations with the selfish asshole I have been messed up with for over 5 months now, so it was really nice having a guy who shot down other people seeking me out.  He told me to meet him after work.  I said no because he was a stranger..AKA I am a chicken shit, and he is way out of my league. 

He sent me a text around midnight asking where I was.  I told him that we were closing up the bar since all our customers had left.  He told me he was on his way back.  He came  back with his friend, and they were both really impaired.  I let them through the locked door and my co worker gave me a wink and went into the back.  He was much more flirtatious, and his friend set his head down on the bar.  He was to the point of passing out.  I laughed at him and took the next thirty minutes drinking a beer, finishing up closing the bar, and talking to the cute guy who came back for me.  

Yeah.   I took him home with me.  My co-worker made all sorts of inappropriate comments to me as I walked out the door with him.  I figured I would never see him again anyways.  Seems to be a theme with any guy I am attracted to.

He came on hot and heavy and I let him... with a little protesting... I did feel bad about it. I really didn't know him. He asked what was the worst thing that could happen... I laughed.  He asked if I thought that he wouldn't contact  me again after.  I told him it was a valid concern. He kissed me hard. 

Ultimately I let it happen..  After it was over I went to get up.  He pulled me back and asked why I didn't want to cuddle.  I looked at him in my pale bedroom light, this gorgeous stranger, and nuzzled into his warm sturdy chest.  I was so used to Nick pushing me aside after.  I forgot what it was like to have someone still like me after.  I fell asleep in his arms and had weird dreams... weird, but good.  My alarm went off  only two hours later to go student teach... I realized there was a stranger still in my bed and I wasn't sure how to politely make him leave.  I ended up deciding that he was a cop... and that he must be at least slightly trustworthy.  I left him a note asking him to lock up... I assumed I wouldn't see him again.

Nahhhh.  He has spent another two nights with me since Thursday.  We have spent every minute I am not working together.  One night we didn't do anything but cuddle and talk.  We discussed his not-for-real-girl that he was into in Florida, and I told him my history.  We both agree that it is ironic how similar the situations are.  He told me Nick was an idiot.  I naturally agreed.

He is leaving tomorrow.  I am not going to lie.  I am pretty bummed about it.  Figures the first guy I like would live on the opposite side of the country. Shit.

So I decided to drink tonight.   I am so tired of being me.  I realize that I probably on some subconscious level liked him more because he is unavailable to me.  

Well if nothing else I am a hero at work.  The girls I work with all would have loved to be the one who scored the time with him... so it has been hilarious listening to them talk about it.  (The bartender that night told everyone that I left with him. Oh well)

He told me he would try to see me tonight after seeing his family... probably isn't going to happen.  I am refraining from being pathetic about it, so I wont push.  I am adding this one to my list of fuck ups.  

At least he was nice to me,  I learned one thing.  I liked it.  I deserve a nice gorgeous man who can get my attention, keep it, and treat me nicely in the process.  

I just need to find one in the same state as me.  

Doing-Just-Fine

The days have been slipping by almost without me noticing.

Days blend into weeks and the weeks are swirling into months.

My husband left me almost two months ago.  It both seems like a lifetime ago, but also not long at all.  Not sure if that makes much sense...

Since then, I have fallen in love with twenty-three different people.  

I fell in love with twenty-three spectacular little people that pulled me out of the funnel I was being flushed down.

I am in the final stretch of student teaching before I am given the two degrees that I have been working on for the last five years.   I had to say good-bye to those children last Friday to move on to my final placement and it dawned on me.  If nothing else, I am good at this.  I am meant to teach.  I am meant to help other people.  No matter how shitty everything else is, it doesn't matter when it comes time to do my job, I am meant to help others.  Even if I am incapable of helping myself.

I am not religious, nor do I believe in fate, but I do think I was meant to be in that room.  I needed those children.  All children are unique and special, but this particular class was particularly unique due to some of the diversity within it, and one child in particular was going through quite a bit of medical issues while I was with him.  I was given the opportunity to help him, meet his family, and aide in his recovery.  His smile inspires me on a daily basis.

Outside of the classroom I continue to  make some questionable decisions.  A variety of questionable decisions.  I think it will require me to leave this area to fully break my self destructive night time rituals... we shall discuss those another time.  Until then, good night.

Little plans and Schemes

I miss my husband.  I feel homesick in my own home.  I took down most of our photos because I cannot bear to see our smiling faces, but I did not put them away.  I moved them into another room.  Where I arranged them neatly on a table.  The photos represent how I felt about our relationship.  I cannot bear to see it, or deal with it right now, but I couldn't just throw it away.  I simply needed space from it.  I love the man I married, he just lost me.  I lost me.  Well I have found myself and he doesn't like it.

He told me I will never be happy without him and if I don't take him back he hopes "I regret it everyday for the rest of my life. "  He points to all of our stuff and says I would have nothing without him.  (Like I have not always supported myself prior to meeting him.)  He says if I am not happy with him I never will be happy.  That's the moment I knew we were not fixable.  I don't want to be with someone because they say I need them for financial or security reasons.  I want to need someone, but the kind of need like I cannot bear to live without them, not the stuff they buy for us, or because they tell me I have to.

My husbands new trashy looking girl friend, that I can handle, his insistence that I know about it, that too I can take...bring it on actually. His hypocritical judgments and meddling, that will be my breaking point. What part of leave me alone is so hard to comprehend?  We both agree.  We are done.  No working through it, no time apart.  Done.  Then why does he get to keep tossing about rumors and accusations?

Who would have thought a grown man would be such a drama king.  It's pathetic really.

I have set in motion my newest plan.  I am ridding myself of anything or anyone who connects me with my old life.  Our mutual friends?  He can have them.  My family has seen his true colors lately, so they are no longer giving me the "oh your poor husband still loves you so much" lectures.  Apparently him showing up at my mother's house singing the blues and then a few days later parading his new girl around town where my mother saw them ruined his act.  I let him, I didn't defend myself or my actions even to my own mother, in the chance that if he and I had a shot ever fixing our marriage, turning my mother against him wouldn't help anyone.  He is a confirmed idiot.  The only one who holds grudges longer than me, is my mother. He definitely should have kept her out of it.

Anyways, my plan.  Friends are his.  Anything materialistically speaking, he can have.  I don't want our acquired shit.  He sold our jeep (which is in my name that my mortgage being refinanced payed off) and bought a truck apparently.  Without mentioning it to me other than TELLING me, not asking me, to sign off on the title.  I decided I was in no hurry to do that currently.  I am ever so busy.... it might take some time to get all the way there (a five minute drive) to sign off.  I don't like being bullied.  

I got a new job this morning.  So I will have something to keep myself out of trouble during my nights and weekends.  This will also help sever ties to my husband more quickly, financially speaking.  I am also toying with the idea of selling my home.  This is painful to think about.  I love it.  I have poured myself into every room, and it was mine long before even meeting my husband, but it is a burden in many ways.  The memories, the upkeep, the plans we had for it, all weigh on me daily.  A fresh start will probably require it be one of the first things to go.

Overall, I am happier.  I am sad.  Don't get me wrong.  I have never been so sad, or so often.  But it is a different kind of sad.  It's manageable.  When I break down and ball my eyes out it isn't because I don't know how to pick myself back up and keep going, it is because I am mourning the loss of a simple life that I could have had.  Now things are hard, and messy, but they are mine.  No bullying from a husband.  No guilt trips.  No silent wars.  It is just me.  It is lonely, but then again, I was lonely with him. I have to keep reminding myself of that.  It is easy to get lost when you are sad and lonely.

But don't we all know, I know how to fix lonely....

But now I am not ruining my self worth by having to be dishonest and sneaky.

Every day is a battle.  But as cliche as it sounds I have no intention of fighting this war he is trying to create.  I am living defensively and quietly.  He is being loud, threatening lawyers, and violent acts.  I keep a smile on my face so when he sees me he has no idea he is hurting me.  Even when he isn't around I hold my head up, and my mouth closed.  He has spies everywhere.  This town is poison.

I am better than all of it.

Just a Dumb Girl and a Letter Never Meant to be Sent

I am not a dumb girl.  Repeat that to yourself a few times. 

Okay, now breathe in, breathe out.  Focus. 

If I am not dumb...

Then why in the fuck do I keep doing dumb things?!

I mean, I have always made mistakes.  Lots and lots of them.  It is sort of my thing.   They make for clever anecdotes, things to laugh about in the long run, but I never ever repeat them.  So why do I repeatedly get sucked into this vortex of self destruction?  

I let people be my anchors.  That is my first mistake.  

People aren't constant.  I need constant.  Everyone needs basic consistencies in their lives.  Basic stability.  I need things that when I feel myself slipping, when I notice I am spiraling out of control, I can steady myself with, something rock solid to hold on to.  I don't need to be searching for something when I am in that out-of-control state.  That's what I have been doing.  Searching, grasping, clinging to anything that makes me feel like my feet are on the ground when in fact they aren't.  I find bad things when I am searching while in the twisted mindset. 

People aren't constant and cannot be found in a moment of mania.  Well, they can be, but usually the ones I find aren't the kind I should be surrounding myself with, despite what they may appear at first. People are funny that way.  Especially certain men I have found in the last few months.  They see something off about you.  They like the quirky, slightly broken, stubborn and feisty girl they see, they seem to know what I need to hear, need to see.  Maybe they don't have bad intentions to begin with, I don't know.  Who can ever really know someone else's intentions.  Ultimately though, they turn out to be the same.  They present themselves in a non-threatening manner and when I stop and let my guard down.  Bam.  Dumb girl.  What a dumb pathetic girl.  

Writing is a constant.  But I have to settle down enough to actually sit and formulate coherent words in my head and be able to translate them into actual words that other people can understand.  That takes time and a certain mindset that I do not always have.  

I am disconnecting from so many people.  Searching for reasons to cut them out.  Just give me a reason, I dare you.  Some people make it too easy. 

I will not keep being a dumb silly girl.  (Repeat that one to yourself too.)

Dearest Matt, 

You my dear, were very good.  Took it slow.  Kept it steady.  Pushed just hard enough to get me to open up, without pushing too hard to be annoying or forceful.  You were kind and gentle.  Reliable.  You dealt with my situation with me, not for me, or without leaving me to fend for myself.  That was something you didn't have to do, and I certainly didn't ask you to.  You dealt with my angry husband with grace, you were kind and respectful of his hurt feelings.  It's funny how you knew not to come on too strong with me, even once we established a comfort zone, because I would spook, and I loved that you at the same time did not take me, or the time that I gave you for granted.  You complimented my personality, my spirit, made me feel smart again.  

A few nights ago I finally told you my whole story.  The version that I have shared with only a few real people in my life and then anonymously via my blog.  And it was not just the chopped up version that you had before.  It was not pretty, but I was honest.  You didn't judge me.  You pulled me in and told me that I am a strong woman and that I would be just fine.  That whatever we were, we would be just fine. 

A weight lifted off my chest as I confessed the things I have done, the places I have found myself in, the thoughts I have had, the frightening thoughts I am still having.  You listened and shared some secrets of your own.  

That night we stayed up talking and sharing other intimate moments.  Yesterday morning, we made plans to see each other last night, nothing major just something to look forward to.  My last certification test was yesterday afternoon and you said we would be celebrating my success, because you knew I was going to nail it.  

I was annoyed when you didn't show up on time, and I was slightly secretly pissed when you told me that you had to hang with the guys for a bit first because you haven't spent much time with them lately.  I was okay with what you were doing, but since you didn't care to give me a heads up prior I felt a little stood up.  -But hey, I'm flexible, or trying to be.  You aren't my boyfriend and I don't want to be any ones anything for a while.  Do what you want.  

I became angry when hours later I was still waiting on you.  I told you I was going to bed and to have a good night.  Code for, your an asshole, and by the way, strike one.  

Then my dear you fucked up.  You went directly to strike three and you are out of here.  

We have mutual friends and they all are religious Snapchat users.  You know all those times last night at the bar they were laughing, talking, and singing into their phones?  Yeah they then drunkenly sent them to all of their Snapchat friends, I was blessed to be one of those friends. 

I particularly loved the one that woke me up with you and that pretty little brunette in the background.  That one was my favorite, especially since I just told you the night before how I got the pleasure of finding out the truth about Nick and his girl in that gut wrenching first person manner too.  It is one thing to hear about something, another to see it yourself.   I told you how each week I have to see him and how it makes me physically sick to my stomach how stupid I felt to of been played like that.

This one at least wasn't a face-to-face 'oh so this must be me being replaced and you didn't tell me' moment, it was just a lucky accident.  Again, karma.  I deserve this.  I deserved to be sad and alone in my bed last night. But honestly, I just didn't see it coming.  She was very cute by the way, and every time she touched you, and worse you touched her, I didn't feel jealous by the way.  I felt... cold.  The lump in my throat threatened tears, but not for you, I can be over you as easily as everything else I have overcame as of late.  

So like I said.  You were good my dear.  Real good.   

You are not an anchor for me. 

I will not just be a dumb girl.    

Painting Fake Realities

It's very easy to forget the big picture of the mess your in when you get caught up in a series of little moments.

I find peace in the small fractions of time when I don't have to think.  I just act.  A calm washes over me where I am certain that I will be okay, that I am okay actually. I long for those small moments to become my reality.

These moments come to me in the form of the adrenalin rushes at the gym or running the cold winter streets of this stupid little town.  The simplicity of the warm supportive arms of Matt where I have been finding myself  more and more frequently paints a fake reality that in the moment seems just right, laughing and talking about nothing important for hours at a time, not a thought as to what happens in the morning when we both have to go back to our real lives.  Then there are those times while teaching and helping the children who have become such a big part of my life, their small optimistic existence never ceases to bring me out of whatever funk I have found myself in. There is also the small amount of time where I simply curl up in my bed with a glass of wine and a good book.  I block the big picture of my life and just savor the moment.

But reality check.      


My house seems to be my anchor.  Both the anchor keeping me safe from floating off to sea to potentially never be seen or heard from again, but also the weight dragging me along, preventing me from moving to calmer waters.  Jim is the rough water.  I am the one who stirred it up, but there is no calming it.  It will tear us both apart just for the sake of staying together.  If I could just leave him everything I would.  He doesn't want it.  Neither do I.  It traps me.

This weekend was a series of small moments but when I woke up this morning I remembered that although our lives are made up of a series of small moments, you cannot escape the reality of your life.