Today, while talking to a coworker, who I might add has become a very good friend to me, we discussed some of the little problems I have created for myself. We came up with no solutions. He assures me daily that I am not as bad of a person as I think I am. He is just being nice of course, I am a terrible person. Either way it is nice to hear. He can't give me any solutions because really there is no simple solution at this point.
He asks simple questions, which you would think would have simple answers:
"Well what do you want?"
-I don't know. Obviously.
"Do you want to stay with your husband?"
-I don't know. Obviously.
"What is this other guy's end game?"
-I really don't know. Clearly.
I did confess today my inner most desire. I just want to start over. No divorce. No messy process of splitting up our processions, family and friends. He could have it all. I don't want to leave him for another man, nor boot him out so I can rebuild. I want to completely disappear. I am built to be able to disconnect, and have been bread to be able to sever connections effortlessly if properly motivated, I think part of me has already started this process.
I want to leave it all. My neighbor, fun and full of life, who brings out my adventurous side, who will forever toy with my life like a game. The other guy I have spent more nights with as of late, and still cannot figure out who he really is, who knows my sadness, and makes me feel something more than numbness, but tears me apart with his bipolar issues. And my husband. My kind patient husband. The man who one version of me loves more than I can even express. It took years to convince him he had worth and that he could be something other than what he was when I found him. He was broken and together we fixed him. I know what I am doing would destroy him.
It sort of reminds me of this song that I think was originally done by Nine Inch Nails, but Johnny Cash redid it. I listen to it a lot. It is simple.
-What have I become, my sweetest friend?
My favorite line is the very last:
"If I could start again, a million miles away, i would keep myself, I would find a way."
I like me. I don't want to change me. I just don't want to hurt anyone else by being me. My friend says I need to just start sorting through them and get rid of the ones I don't want. Well shit. I want them all in some way. Obviously.
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