"Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind"

I have the  most over active imagination.  I both adore and despise it.  It is the most common cause for disappointment.  There are very few times in which my expectations actually match up with reality.  The moment an idea sneaks into  my mind, I run with it.  I picture how it will unfold.  I fantasize.  I hope. I plan and envision these vivid scenarios in my mind that often never come to be.  I have lived a thousand versions of fake realities all without having moved a muscle.  People are always so much more spectacular in my head.  I can fall in love a hundred times with different people who when I actually interact with them they never cease to disappoint me.  I see these qualities in them, qualities that I am ever hopeful will surpass all the ugly things about them.  Usually these qualities dissipate rather abruptly the moment I spend more time getting to know people.

This is why I have such a hard time of letting go of things that I actually enjoy.  Very rarely do people live up to my expectations, or do I find them fascinating after having actually spent time with them.  Words cannot express the worlds I have created in my mind where I was not married and I could have seen how things would have played out without that limitation.  Nothing is more painful than meeting someone special to you at the wrong time in your life.  I read once that you are supposed to trust the timing of your life.  I don't trust much, let alone timing.

I am trying to stop my brain from imagining what has happened and what still could be if only I ask for it.