Today was a breakthrough kind of day.  It has yet to be decided the type of breakthrough we are talking about.  Three major events happened in the last few hours.

First, I made the decision to permanently extract my latest indiscretion from my life. It was surprisingly painful to do so given it has been such a short amount of time that he has actually been a part of my life.  I feel like I genuinely lost something important to me this morning.  It's not like last time where I said some passive aggressive things and deleted his number from my phone to prevent myself from talking to him in a moment of weakness or loneliness.  I made sure my words were exact and concise.  As I hit send on the text that informed him that I never wanted to hear from him again and a brief explanation why, I knew that I had selected the perfect assortment of words that would perfectly eliminate me from his good graces.  I made sure that they were not spiteful or cruel since really this was as much my fault as his, if not more.  The words probably cut me more, knowing that when he did not respond that the few parting words had been brutally effective.  I didn't share with him how much it meant to me for him to take the time to get to know me. The real me.  I wanted to tell him more than anything.  I didn't tell him how for a brief moment in time, I didn't feel so terribly alone, just knowing that he was out there and cared about me.  I hope he knows.  I am glad that I don't have artifacts or mementos to remember him by, just the vague twisted memories of what was and what could have been.  I didn't tell him any of this because I didn't want to let him know because he would know  that he could change my mind back so easily.  Just like the first time.  Even now part of me craves contact from him.  Even negative contact.  Anything to let me know that he hasn't forgotten me already.  This is just my loneliness talking of course, which is why I am sitting in the dark writing instead of reaching out to any real person this evening.

The next big step I took this afternoon was reaching out for help. I contacted my doctor to see about finding out if I need professional help getting chemically balanced out or if I am just fucking nuts naturally.  It was humiliating telling the stranger on the other line why I needed an appointment.  Her kindness made me cry.  I literally fought with the gigantic lump in my throat as I anxiously ended the phone call.  I will be seeing a doctor in two days.  My goal is to not make any more life changing decisions until after I see her.

Lastly, and most painfully, I started to picture what my life would be like without my husband in it.  There is the obvious first thought of how much I really would miss him.  Even now, despite him being unaware of the war that is raging in my mind, he is asleep only a few feet away from me.  His rhythmic breathing syncing with my keystrokes in the darkness. I have shared my bed with him every night for over five years and I cannot image it without him being there.  How would I even go about it?  I have been thinking about telling him about my life lately.  In clear detail.  He knows that I am sad, he has walked in on too many breakdowns at this point to be oblivious anymore.  I cannot imagine what he would even do.  He is not a violent man towards me, but I have seen enough to know that it wouldn't be good for anyone else.  So I could never tell him who, why, or when.  Would he leave me instantly?  I try to think about what I would do if I were in his position.  I am too much of a fighter so I would most likely try to work through it, just as I have with the rest of his lies over the years.  He is unreasonable when he is hurt or mad so I am guessing that telling him would quite simply be the end.  Which is why I am thinking that I might tell him.  Like I said, no more big decisions tonight.

Today has been exhausting.  Awake since 1:39 this morning. unable to keep my restless mind in check, I am now fighting back sleep as I write.  Write.  Vent.  Spew.  Whatever you call this drunken mess.

Let's hope for a better tomorrow because today has left me crumpled and defeated.