Selfish and Impatient

Tonight I tested a theory.   Don't judge me for it.  I just had to know.

I don't need just one person to make me feel better.  I cannot be alone.  I know this about myself.  I learned it early on and I have made a point to never let it happen.  That's why I hate that I feel alone when I'm with my husband.  I am my own worst enemy and left alone I will implode.

I can find companionship simply. Almost too easily.  Not cheap companionship either.  I value intellect and wit and in a state of drunken depression I landed yet another eligible fellow willing to take me on.

I ultimately passed the test of temptation of course.  But it was flattering none-the-less.  I picked the classiest  guy in the room and by the end of the night he was asking how to get a hold of me or if he could drive me home.  I politely declined the ride and just told him I would see him around.

I just had to know I could do it.  I don't know why.  Well no, I do know why.   I miss my secret friend.  I crave him actually.  In a moment of drunken stupidity I contacted him.  Pathetic.  I told you I couldn't resist.  I can tell he opened the messages, but chose not to respond.  This pissed me off so naturally I responded again... and maybe again.  Each being opened and ignored.  He will never stop being the one male I cannot figure out.  I think that bothers and interests me most about him.

Doesn't he know that I was the one who was going to brush him off.  Fuck.  I need to be in control and he took it from me.  He shredded it from between my fingers and is basically dangling it in front of my face.  I really lost my dignity there... all I can hope is that he was drunker and more messed up than me... maybe he wont remember again?

I have shitty luck... this is probably the one time he is sober.  Oh well.  Like I said.  Perfect way to end something so messed up to begin with.

This other guy was really funny.  He made me laugh all night.  It felt amazing just to laugh.  I was drinking and that might have contributed to the bliss, but it was nice to just let loose.  My brother-in-law/AKA best friend was close by so I knew I was safe to not make any more poor decisions that would be later haunting me.  He was watching me like a freaking hawk,

This party fella was really cute, with a killer body too I might add,  and he played ping pong with me until I was too tired and tipsy to play anymore.  I think I was actually using my Redds bottle as my ping pong paddle by the end which is when he said it was probably time to call it quits.

I fell up against him once while I was playing in a spinny chair, and yes to me that's the chair's official classification,  and his solid chest and strong arms made my mind wander.  It wandered to mischievous places, not going to lie.  I laughed and looked up at him, because hey, for once me being a tall girl, I found a guy taller than me.  I stared and smiled up at him.  He asked if I was checking out his Micheal C. Hall looks. Which is hilarious, because I had a huge crush on Dexter the entire time I watched that show and earlier that night I noticed the similarities between this guy and Dexter.  Like I said, he made me laugh, a rare quality.  I found myself wishing once more that I was not married and that I could explore other options.

A Micheal C. Hall/Dexter visual for those who aren't familiar.

Instead I asked my bro to drive me home.  God I love that boy, my best friend since I found him at fifteen years old.  Although I have let him down so many times I have lost count, he has always been my main man over the last eleven years.  But that's a long story to be told another day.

He gave my new sexy friend a back-off look as he steadied me so I could get my boots on.  I smiled at the boy and told him it was lovely meeting him, or re-meeting him for he said we have technically met before.  Whatever. Either way, I had a fun night.  I told you about my smiles.  Mischievous or misleading.  I was definitely up to no good this evening and I smiled the whole ride home.