You and I Will Always Be Unfinished Business

The rug burn up my back is physical proof of my inability to make up my mind.

Last night was an adventure.  It was the kind of night that makes you almost forget who you are.

Our bodies were heavy with alcohol as we sat together on the sofa.  My head felt so thick as I rested it on his arm.  He reminded me of his "no cuddle" rule.  Apparently, according to him, this is how you prevent developing any "real" feelings.  I'm pretty sure it is too late for that on my end, but hey, whatever.

I looked up at him and smiled, I know it was a sad smile, because that is all I had to give him.  That was when I saw it though.  He broke.  His cold distant disposition that he has in person cracked.  He doesn't usually look at me,  Well, he looks at me, but not really. Like he sees my face, but never eye contact.  His eyes are so blue.  I love his eyes.  I have only ever really gotten to look at them a couple times.  Usually he looks away if I look too long.

His fingers found mine.  He wove them in between. He traced the line of my wedding band with his finger.  Take it off he said.  I didn't move, I just watched his fingers move over my band and after a moment they moved gently up my arm, slowly inching up to my throat, he held it there for a moment, my pulse quickened. He noticed of course, and grabbed my chin and kissed me hard.  I swear I am useless when it comes to him.  No will power what-so-ever.

He wasn't rough this time.  Well a little, but in a passionate sort of way.  Less angry.  Compared to the last two times this was a big change. (This isn't where the rug burn came into play....)

He took me to his room and turned down the lights.  He undressed me gently.  It was urgent, but careful.  Instead of pulling my hair like usual he brushed it out of my face slowly to kiss me.  Where he usually talks dirty he asked me if I was okay.  He whispered things in my ear.  When we were finished he told me he didn't want me to leave.

But again, after a moment, I saw the cold creep over him.  I literally felt him tense up.  Laying naked in his bed I felt vulnerable so I reached out for him.  He shook his head no and jumped up and began to get dressed.  I begged him to lay with me for just a minute and he said no.  He said something about going downstairs to watch TV and getting a beer.  Then he just left the room.  I laid there for a moment wishing that I wasn't too drunk to drive.  Pissed, then hurt, then defeated, I got dressed slowly, still in denial that he actually just left me there. I regained my composure and walked into the living room.

He had chosen to sit in the recliner, which is intended for one person only, and was working on another beer, he was staring intently at the TV.  I stared at him for a moment debating my options.  I don't even know if he knew I was in the room.  I was all about keeping what little pride I have left at this point. I was still trying to figure out how to go about doing that when I decided that since the room was spinning, and I craved being near him, I would sit on the floor next to the recliner and put my head on his arm that was hanging over the side.  In retrospect, not to graceful, nor dignified, but hey,  I blame the Sutter Home mascato.  That's when we had the conversation that has had my head reeling since.  I wish I was the type of drunk who forgot shit.

"Why the fuck do you let yourself be so miserable."  I looked up at him unsure as to what exactly he was referring to.

"If you were happy with him, you wouldn't be here with me."  The next line was where to water works started for me, "I'm fucking crazy about you and it is killing me because I don't deserve this.  You don't deserve this."

He went into how I shouldn't stay in a life that I am not excited about.  Especially not for other people.  He said that only I can change it.  He said it will be messy, painful, and that no one ever plans on getting a divorce, but that I needed to get my shit together.  He wouldn't look at me as he talked.  And it came in bursts.  I was careful not to interject because this was the first real conversation we have ever had in person, about something serious.  Every time I thought he was done he would add on another point.  Finally, all I could say is that I 100% agreed with everything he said, but that it isn't that easy.

He turned his head and looked down at me.  It was a look of anger at first but then he saw that I was crying.  He pulled me in close for a moment, and then pulled me up into the recliner with him.  He didn't hold me but he let me lay on him so our bodies were pushed together.  I cried softly to myself and he just let me.  Not a cold indifferent kind of just let me, but a patient, he knew I just had to get it out of my system kind.  Eventually I calmed down and we just watched TV.  I could feel I was sobering up which was a relief for me.  Finally he said that he felt like we were cuddling and began to twitch and move about.  I told him I should go anyways because it was so late.  Secretly, I just wanted to go cry in private.

I began to try to clean my face up because undoubtedly there was mascara everywhere.  He grabbed my hand and pushed my chin up so I was looking at him.  "I am not trying to be a dick.  I just can't get attached to something that is going to disappear. We cant keep doing this"  I shook my head yes because that god damn lump in my throat was making threats of more tears.

He kissed me gently and I lost myself all over again.  I told him I had to go.  He told me that he loved spending time with me, and in the moment it seemed fucked up to end it, but then in all reality we were just setting ourselves up for disaster.  I didn't look at him, but I shook my head in agreement.  I needed to get out of there.

I scrambled around to grab my coat, and as I was wrapping my scarf around my neck I was making my way to the door.  I was fumbling with my boots when I felt his body up against my back.  I stood up slowly, breathing in carefully, trying not to let out a sob.  I don't get embarrassed, but it was humiliating crying in front of him.  He put his hand on my waste and kissed the back of my neck.  His hand moved down farther and farther as I leaned into his body.  After a moment I turned around and told him that once again we could not keep doing this and that I had to leave, and this time not come back.

I began to rant.  I told him how he has the power to completely make and break my day.  I confessed all the things I have been too proud and too scared to say.  I talked until I ran out things to say.  He kissed me again and then pulled me to the ground.  He told me he never wants to let me go.  As he pulled off my jacket he told me I was beautiful.  He yanked off my scarf as he told me that it killed him when I told him not to speak to me anymore.  He shoved my sweatshirt over my head and told me that I am supposed to be his.  As he yanked down my pants he told me that he will make me his.

Insert the rug burn here.  It was hot and heavy.  I told him he needed to stop because of the lack of birth control situation.  He didn't.  I was out of breath and his mouth was all over mine. I was trying to keep a clear head, but I was too in the moment to speak clearly.  I told him unless he wanted a lot more complicated situation he needed to stop.  He stopped suddenly and looked down at me.  It was only a second but it felt like a lifetime.  Then he said, "But then you would be mine."  I had no words.   I tried to swallow but I couldn't.   My heart was still pounding from our physical activity, but it began to pound in a different way with the way he was looking at me.  He started to move slowly again and said, "Tell me to stop."  I did not.  He moved faster and harder and repeated it again, "Tell me to stop."   I didn't say a word, I just clung to him.