This shit comes in waves. Tonight I am drowning in it. My chest is tight. My throat feels like I couldn't swallow even the smallest of pills. Eyes are burning, but I cannot even cry. I need to get this under control, but I am not even sure what I want or need. One minted I was fine, the next, the world was shattering around me.
So I called him.... he said to come over.
I stayed less than an hour and left without even saying goodbye. I decided that would be a much classier way to end it rather than another tear filled pointless conversation. I closed the door loud enough for him to know I left and I didn't look back.
Unlocked car. Started engine. Drove home. Sunk.
My house is so warm and lit up for the holidays, but to me it feels overwhelming. I want someplace dark, quiet, and where my husband isn't. Not because he is doing anything wrong, but because I feel so guilty and sick of myself. He deserves much better than me.
I need a plan. Well, I have had lots of plans... I need a plan and I need to stick to it. I honestly think if I am strong enough and stay focused on not contacting him, he is the type of guy who won't reach back out to me again. Both versions of that guy, both the sweet passionate one I fell for and wrote about a few days ago, and the cruel fucked up version who is more dominant these days, will both be too stubborn, and will be waiting on me. I can't keep being that pathetic girl.
I will have to make a plan tomorrow. Tonight I just feel like wallowing. this whole mess is my fault. I let it start, I let it carry on, and I'm too selfish to end it.
I'm going to wallow now.
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