Let me put on a show for you

I almost erased you.  As I do with so many things I tire of.

I chose not to.

I needed to be able to look back.  To remember.  To accept what I am capable of.  My thoughts, however reckless and pointless follow a pattern.

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot break the cycle.  I have tried doing it naturally.  Through hard work and a healthy lifestyle I found loosing weight to be simple and superficial, but more than my muscles ached at night.  I tried medication.  I still take those three little pills at the designated times daily.  They make me sleepy but then comes the night- no sleep to be had.  I lie here awake dwelling on all the things I cannot change about myself.

I have tried drinking away my memories but I am both blessed and cursed with a vivid memory.  There are so many nights I would rather just forget.

Intimacy, however brief, is a quick fix.  What goes up must come down.  The farther I fly, the harder I crash.

I have tried short and long term.  I am just not capable of being what they need, nor will they ever meet my standards.  I put on a good show.  I can be exactly what people want me to be.  The man in my life once called me manipulative.  I disagreed.  But only because of the situation he was suggesting.  In that case I was being genuine, a rarity I suppose, but I felt insulted that he called me that when my motives were entirely pure.  In that case.  He is a smart man.  He thinks he is smarter than he is though.  I keep telling him I am a bad person.  He politely disagrees.  Fool.  I am a terrible person.  Incapable of normal companionship.

Over-evaluating, impatient, and quick to anger.  Heaven forbid I just get over things.

I swear I am going to punch the poor fool in the throat the next time he asks, "so your willing to just ruin perfectly good days over something so stupid?"  -Yes you asshole.  I am fucked up.  Haven't you noticed?  So stop giving me reasons to feel shitty.

At work I am graceful.  I saw this video a week or so ago promoting the company I work for.  Some kid made it as his senior project.  He did a nice job.  He came into my room one day with a camera and I assumed he was taking pictures of the room and my kids.  I ignored him and continued teaching.

He captured me working with a small group of my children.  I was down on the floor and we were all engaged in some activity- what we were doing is not important.  He didn't capture the sound, just our interactions.  I saw me.  But I was amazed that it was me.  I don't recognize that girl, but it was beautiful.  Not me, but the contentment.

I didn't see the sadness, the exhaustion, the thoughts of not existing.

So I did not delete you from my life.  You are still here.  I am still here.  Nothing has changed, yet everything has.  Divorce papers filed, weight lost put back on, new wall colors, new man, new job, yet everything is exactly the same.

I am still the girl full of secrets.  Full of chaos.

 

A Place to Rest Your Head

-But darling, What could you possibly be running from at this hour?

Everything.  

Don't look at me that way.

This is what mental illness looks like.  

Stop. Stare.  Can you tell? 

Don't move, sit perfectly still.  You might miss it.  

-Just breathe, you will be fine.  It's all in your head.

Hold my hand, prop me up, tell me I am special.

Take a piece of me.

You will think I'm better.

Low.  No hope.

Its a parasite.  It waits, bides its time.

Quiet, you will miss it.

-See that wasn't so bad.

              Now, let's see that smile.  

                         Good.  Isn't that better?

This is what mental illness looks like.

Invisible.  Silent.  Deceptive.

Look at that smile.

Fuck you.

Somewhere Around Midnight

Sitting on the dingy bar stool she haphazardly taps her empty bottle on the distant side of the bar. With her free hand she traces a scratch along the surface of the counter. The bartender hears her silent plea and hands her another, no words are spoken as he takes the old bottle from her hand.  It wouldn't have mattered if he had spoken, the music was thumping louder than either cared to speak.

Her body is already heavy from what she has consumed as she reaches slowly for her wallet. Another man hands the bartender cash.  He smiles down at her and she gives him the look she knows he is expecting.

She pretends to be interested as he speaks.  He pushes in close, she can feel the heat of his voice as he talks into her ear.  She shakes her head and touches his arm.  She laughs and she begins to be unsure if he is actually making her laugh or if she is just playing her part.  He buys her another drink.  The music doesn't seem as loud, her choices don't seem so bad, and the night is pulsing through her veins.
She looks across the room and sees so many faces.  So many people living out their lives.  Some were laughing, some sing, an old man sits alone at the bar, others dance, holding one another close; everyone has a role of their own.

One face stands out to her.

He never takes his eyes off her.  How long he had been there, she couldn't be sure.  He didn't look away when she made eye contact.  The look on his face was somewhere between rage and hurt.  She turns slowly back to her bottle and she takes a long hard drink.  As she swallows she steadies not only her hand, but her breathing.  She knows she isn't doing anything he hadn't done already, but guilt, longing, and memories course through her.  Sucking in the air that now seems incredibly stuffy, she turns to the man she is sitting with.  She excuses herself and walks quietly into the night.

The crisp air hits her face and as she walks under the street lights she feels haunted.  Looking behind her she is relieved to see that no one has followed.  She knows she should go home. She feels lost and scared, and it's safe there.  The thought of the silence that would surround her as she walks through the front door leads her to begin to dig in her purse.  She can't bear to be alone with her thoughts.  She pulls out her phone and slumps against the building's cold stone wall.  As she dials her bad choice, her fingers shake.  As she listens to the ringing in her ear, she closes her eyes.  Part of her prays he wont answer.

She hears his voice as he says hello and a lump forms in her throat.  Swallowing hard she whispers,
                                         "I have to see you tonight."

On your mark, get set, GO!

Everything happens so fast.

Days have a way of dragging by, yet life somehow whips past. I keep missing things.   

I can't keep up. I have mastered the day-to-day things.  I rock at professional and occupational multitasking, however I have managed to fuck up my personal life in a way that I can't wrap my brain around.  I'm constantly thinking something along the lines of, "what in the hell just happened?"

This time last week I was sitting with a group of people I had only just met, genuinely enjoying myself.  They were friends of a guy I have been seeing for over a month now.  We have been quiet about our -for a lack of a better word- relationship... type thing.  He begged me to come see him race, which is something he is really good at, and is extremely passionate about.  I was only hesitant because I knew it meant taking things a little further than our semi-on-the-down-low, private and experimental, time that we have been spending together.  I finally said yes and told him that I would try my best to get up out of bed that early to leave with him.  He insisted that he spend the night to guarantee I would be there with him.  Mildly annoying, but flattering.  So I went.  

He failed to mention that I would also be meeting his family... So yeah.  That was fun.  I say it sarcastically and with a bit of resentment now, but honestly it wasn't bad at all.  I spent the day with mostly his friends because he had to go off and do his thing, but I really enjoyed  myself.  I heard his best friend tell him that he better keep me around, and my racer guy said he intended to,

Here is where things, as usual, get fucked up.. The night before the race, Nick contacted me. You know, narcissistic Nick.  I told him that I deliberately stopped talking to him for a reason and that he was a fucked up human.  I was proud of me and when about my night.    

Get this.  He agreed.  He apologized.  He asked me to come over that night so he could prove that over the last couple of months he has gotten his shit together and that he was no longer crazy.  I told him that he just proved he was crazy... because no sane man would ever think that he could treat a woman the way he did and just be able to apologize and that woman would just go right over.  He told me that he meant what he was saying and that I would see.  I stopped talking to him. 

He contacted me the next day while I was at the race, so I told him who I was with, why I was there, and that I was having a good time.  He said he was happy for me, and that he still wanted to see me to talk and clear the air.  I am no dummy.  No thank you.

He continued to talk to me all this week and my icy disposition broke down a little more as the week went by.  He wasn't being anything but friendly, like he used to be when we first met.  

So Friday.  

My new-ish racer guy is really weird about making plans.  Don't misunderstand, I don't need concrete, set-in-stone plans, but I am not the girl who is your back up plan, or second thought.  Either you want to see me, or you don't.  If you don't, that's fine.  I wont be waiting.  His thing is, he wants to see me, but he wont just say a clear yes and then gets pissed when I give him the same treatment.  This has been ongoing, but this particular night he threw in a little twist.  He told me he was going riding with a bunch of his friends, I told him I would love to go with him.  He said he would rather just go out with them, mildly hurt I kept my game face on and played it cool, okay then, can we hang after?  "uhh yeah I am not really sure."  

Typical.  Whatever.  I picked up a shift at the bar so I was at least making money... that's when his best friend came in that I hung out with during the races.  "You coming with us tonight?  It will be a lot of fun!"  I glared at him and told him I wasn't invited.  

Very mature, I know.  Yeah my guy went riding with another girl instead.  And here is the real kicker, he posted a thing about it on facebook.  Uhh what the fuck just happened?  She is his best "girl friend" which hey, I get that, but come on... not the best way of going about all that !

When I politely asked him about it he said that I wouldn't have had any fun.  (You know because he knows me just that well apparently to decide that for me.) And that he didn't tell me because he knew I would be upset about this other girl.  Okay, so you wanna hang out now then since your done riding with 'all your friends'.  No, that girl wants to go out together now.  Hmm okay.  

Yeah well... Guys are morons.  So I did what I do best. I sink to their level.  

I sent three words to Nick.  Let's hang out.  We have never just hung out so let's just say I can't deny what my intentions were.  What I didn't expect was for him to say yes, and that before we go back to my place I should come to a fire at his friends house.  Interesting development.  I assumed it was just him and one of his guy friends.  Nope.  It was a ton of people that he has told me about, but I have never met...including the notorious best friend Stacey who told him to stay away from me in the beginning. 

I pulled up, and panicked.  

Surprisingly, she greeted me, then introduced herself and her friends.  Nick came up and introduced me to the rest of the people there.  When we sat down he asked me if I was okay, and I confessed that I wasn't prepared for an outdoor adventure and I was cold.  He hooked me up with a jacket and then said that being physically comfortable wasn't what he meant.  I was confused.  He asked if I wanted to just leave with him.  I told him that I was fine and I again had a nice time with a group of strangers.  Nick held my hand off and on, and I let him.  He bumped me playfully and sang along in a silly voice to the 80's music we were listening to.  

He kept asking me if I was comfortable. I actually was.  

He said finally that we should leave.  Stacey pouted and then hugged him, and whispered something to him as we were leaving.  I would love to know what, but me being the laid back chick I am (what an illusion that is) I will never ask.  

He asked me to drive us.  I told him that if I drive us to my house I wouldn't be taking him home until the morning.  He told me that was the point, and that he was looking forward to it.  I looked at him skeptically and he smiled and winked.  "I told you I am different now."  

Well at least he knows that fucking me and then immediately rolling out is rude.  

I am so confused about what happened after, and I am trying not to think much about it at all but it is hard.  

He asked me to leave town with him.  

He got a job out of state teaching, which is exactly what I want to do, and he said it's time we just figure this shit out.  My mind is blown.  I still haven't recovered from my initial thought of fuck it, let's go. 

 Everything is so fucked up right now anyways.  Jim and I are filing for a divorce and that's getting unbelievably messy.  He has yet again, drug my family into it, so I am avoiding them.  My best friend decided that now is a good time to become friends with him because they go to the same gym now... (Uhh, no, that's shitty.)  My co-worker at the bar I work at used to see the racer guy, so she secretly hates me, and I feel really shitty about all that because yeah... that sucks, I actually really like her.  I don't have a teaching job lined up in PA, nor have I even bothered trying, and to top it all off I have been having trouble running due to my asthma and allergies so I cannot even blow off steam.  My head is whirling constantly.  

As I said, the days drag on, and I feel every minute tick by painfully, yet at the same time I cannot keep up with it.  

All that has created this fucked up mind set I have, where I am either balling my eyes our or manically spazzing about. No one seems to know how to help, and frankly I don't want their help anyways.  So yeah, being impulsive and running away with a horrible man who excites me seems logical right now.  Even as I typed that I know it is crazy.  

I just want to be able to start over. 

  

In Search of Life Coach:

I have sat down at my computer with the intent of writing about a dozen times in the last few weeks but have decided against it.  Words are even failing me.

Let me just say it bluntly.  I am pretty much a fuck up these days. I guess I should clarify, I am rocking my professional life.  It seems like the further I advance academically and professionally, the more poor decisions I make on a personal level.

My days are long, but my nights are longer.  When I am not working at the bar, I am out with my friends usually in one.  I spend very little time alone these days.  I am back to not knowing how to be alone.  I hate it.  It is amazing how easy it is to make new friends.  When I am up, like in the early hours of the night, I apparently have amazing people skills... give it a few hours.  What goes up must go down.

I feel like I have lost so much of old self piece by piece.  Person by person, boy by boy, I lose myself.  I play it fast and cool.  I am too tough and independent to care about how shitty people are.  Fuck them right?  Their loss, I am fantastic.

Reality check.  I feel everything.

This is why when I leave Nick's house, or he leaves mine, and I am feeling absolutely worthless,, pathetic, and am convincing myself that I will never again talk to that asshole, I inevitably end up right back where I started a week later.  Underneath him questioning my existence.

Nick is the least of my problems honestly.  I could easily have my own reality show based on my fuck-ups.  Fuck-ups is code for boys I was dumb enough to bring home.

Meh.

Fuck Florida

How can one person be, at the same time, so indecisive and completely impulsive?

Little things I think about for days.  Should I get Zooey bangs or keep my hair long?  Do I really want a second piece of cheesecake?  Should I get up early and run, or wait until this evening? These questions roll about in my brain for hours and days at a time, yet actual big decisions I leap into without a thought.  Well there is thought.  Lots of thoughts, Just too late.

I called it.  Mister hot cop guy I met last Thursday and then proceeded to have four nights of one night stands hopped on a plane to go back home Monday morning not to be heard from again.  As I dropped him off he kissed me hard and told me he would call me that night.  Me being the cynic that I am, figured he wouldn't, but I hoped very much that he would.  I told him that it was lovely meeting him, and he told me I was the best part of his trip.  I said jokingly that of course I was.  

He got out, waved, told me he would see me in a month when he came back up.

Yeah.  Almost three days later, nadda.  Adding him to my ever growing list of jackasses.

I haven't heard from Narcissistic Nick in almost two weeks, it figures he would be pestering me tonight, the first night I am feeling shitty and lonely.  There I was running my ass off, quite literally, and my phone lit up.  I checked it eagerly, and quite pathetically I might add, in hopes that it was my long distance man, only to see that it was Nick.  I tossed the phone back onto the treadmill shelf and upped my speed.  Not today pal.  Again it lit up and chimed in my ear.  What are you doing tonight.  Not you I thought.  Oh, I am hilarious... I ran harder.  The sweat rolled and another thirty minutes trickled by.  I ran until my legs ached, my lungs heaved, and my body was drenched.  Like a good girl I came home, I have made a resolution to stay home and lock my doors.

Now I just have to convince myself to not let anyone in. Literally and metaphorically speaking.

Maybe I need to move to Florida???

Hemingway said something along the lines of, "write drunk edit later" well here we are in phase one of that two step instruction.  Don't judge. 

I walk into my third job (Job one=student teaching, job two=working with kids in an after school program, job three=bar-tending/waitress) and there is a gorgeous solemn looking man sitting at the bar.  He looks young, but built, and handsome.  No smiles on his end.  He doesn't seem to notice anyone around him but the guy he is drinking with, which naturally intrigues me.  

The bar was busy but I was not bar-tending so off I went to my section.  I noticed him all night.  Never interacting with the girls who came by trying to talk.  I observed for a while before asking the girl working the bar as to who he was.  She told me three facts: 1. his name 2. that he had a girl friend but was having issues from what she heard 3. that she would take him home in a heartbeat.  I laughed and went about my business.  It was busy for a Thursday so I didn't have much time to stop and think. 

It got busy enough that I was back behind the bar helping out and I couldn't help but hear his conversation with his friend.  He was essentially in my old situation except he is the other guy.  He was in love with a girl who was married.  I had to laugh.  Ironic.  He was talking about giving the chick an ultimatum... I really wanted to tell him how shitty of an idea that was, but it is poor bar manners to eaves drop so I pretended not to notice him.  

I heard them talking about leaving (this saddened me a bit given he was really nice to look at) but I didn't think too much about it.  Throughout my observations of this guy, not totally intentional, its a semi small bar, I saw him reject two decent looking chicks asking trying to talk to him.   Well obviously he was unavailable.  Forgetting all about him  I began talking to another customer about potentially moving out of state.  I told him how I drove the day before to a job fair and applied at school districts in Florida, North Carolina, and Virginia.  The mystery man came out of no where and asked me where in Florida I was talking.  I told him anywhere warm near a beach that would take me.  He told me that he knew a lot of people in the schools in a certain area and that he could give them my name.  

I stared at him for a moment skeptically and then I thought, well what the hell.  I asked him how he had these connections.  He told me he was a cop there.  I told him he looked too young to be a cop and that I didn't believe him.  (I did, but hey, I was bored. Prove it. haha)  He did.  He showed me his little identification card.  I told him it could be a fake.  So he showed me pictures of him in uniform.  (OH MY GOD SO FUCKING HOT), I was totally fucking with him.  It was hilarious.  But I just wanted to keep him talking to me.  

He told me that if I gave him my name and number he would hook me up with some contacts.  (A complete line I'm sure, but what the hell, I was flattered and the look from the other bartender who is much younger and cuter than me made it so worth it.) I wrote my name and number down and slid it across the bar.  He told me he would contact me soon.  I said goodbye. 

Not five minutes after he left my phone went off. Not going to lie.  I was pretty freaking happy.  I have done nothing but work, teach, and dwell on shitty situations with the selfish asshole I have been messed up with for over 5 months now, so it was really nice having a guy who shot down other people seeking me out.  He told me to meet him after work.  I said no because he was a stranger..AKA I am a chicken shit, and he is way out of my league. 

He sent me a text around midnight asking where I was.  I told him that we were closing up the bar since all our customers had left.  He told me he was on his way back.  He came  back with his friend, and they were both really impaired.  I let them through the locked door and my co worker gave me a wink and went into the back.  He was much more flirtatious, and his friend set his head down on the bar.  He was to the point of passing out.  I laughed at him and took the next thirty minutes drinking a beer, finishing up closing the bar, and talking to the cute guy who came back for me.  

Yeah.   I took him home with me.  My co-worker made all sorts of inappropriate comments to me as I walked out the door with him.  I figured I would never see him again anyways.  Seems to be a theme with any guy I am attracted to.

He came on hot and heavy and I let him... with a little protesting... I did feel bad about it. I really didn't know him. He asked what was the worst thing that could happen... I laughed.  He asked if I thought that he wouldn't contact  me again after.  I told him it was a valid concern. He kissed me hard. 

Ultimately I let it happen..  After it was over I went to get up.  He pulled me back and asked why I didn't want to cuddle.  I looked at him in my pale bedroom light, this gorgeous stranger, and nuzzled into his warm sturdy chest.  I was so used to Nick pushing me aside after.  I forgot what it was like to have someone still like me after.  I fell asleep in his arms and had weird dreams... weird, but good.  My alarm went off  only two hours later to go student teach... I realized there was a stranger still in my bed and I wasn't sure how to politely make him leave.  I ended up deciding that he was a cop... and that he must be at least slightly trustworthy.  I left him a note asking him to lock up... I assumed I wouldn't see him again.

Nahhhh.  He has spent another two nights with me since Thursday.  We have spent every minute I am not working together.  One night we didn't do anything but cuddle and talk.  We discussed his not-for-real-girl that he was into in Florida, and I told him my history.  We both agree that it is ironic how similar the situations are.  He told me Nick was an idiot.  I naturally agreed.

He is leaving tomorrow.  I am not going to lie.  I am pretty bummed about it.  Figures the first guy I like would live on the opposite side of the country. Shit.

So I decided to drink tonight.   I am so tired of being me.  I realize that I probably on some subconscious level liked him more because he is unavailable to me.  

Well if nothing else I am a hero at work.  The girls I work with all would have loved to be the one who scored the time with him... so it has been hilarious listening to them talk about it.  (The bartender that night told everyone that I left with him. Oh well)

He told me he would try to see me tonight after seeing his family... probably isn't going to happen.  I am refraining from being pathetic about it, so I wont push.  I am adding this one to my list of fuck ups.  

At least he was nice to me,  I learned one thing.  I liked it.  I deserve a nice gorgeous man who can get my attention, keep it, and treat me nicely in the process.  

I just need to find one in the same state as me.  

Doing-Just-Fine

The days have been slipping by almost without me noticing.

Days blend into weeks and the weeks are swirling into months.

My husband left me almost two months ago.  It both seems like a lifetime ago, but also not long at all.  Not sure if that makes much sense...

Since then, I have fallen in love with twenty-three different people.  

I fell in love with twenty-three spectacular little people that pulled me out of the funnel I was being flushed down.

I am in the final stretch of student teaching before I am given the two degrees that I have been working on for the last five years.   I had to say good-bye to those children last Friday to move on to my final placement and it dawned on me.  If nothing else, I am good at this.  I am meant to teach.  I am meant to help other people.  No matter how shitty everything else is, it doesn't matter when it comes time to do my job, I am meant to help others.  Even if I am incapable of helping myself.

I am not religious, nor do I believe in fate, but I do think I was meant to be in that room.  I needed those children.  All children are unique and special, but this particular class was particularly unique due to some of the diversity within it, and one child in particular was going through quite a bit of medical issues while I was with him.  I was given the opportunity to help him, meet his family, and aide in his recovery.  His smile inspires me on a daily basis.

Outside of the classroom I continue to  make some questionable decisions.  A variety of questionable decisions.  I think it will require me to leave this area to fully break my self destructive night time rituals... we shall discuss those another time.  Until then, good night.

Little plans and Schemes

I miss my husband.  I feel homesick in my own home.  I took down most of our photos because I cannot bear to see our smiling faces, but I did not put them away.  I moved them into another room.  Where I arranged them neatly on a table.  The photos represent how I felt about our relationship.  I cannot bear to see it, or deal with it right now, but I couldn't just throw it away.  I simply needed space from it.  I love the man I married, he just lost me.  I lost me.  Well I have found myself and he doesn't like it.

He told me I will never be happy without him and if I don't take him back he hopes "I regret it everyday for the rest of my life. "  He points to all of our stuff and says I would have nothing without him.  (Like I have not always supported myself prior to meeting him.)  He says if I am not happy with him I never will be happy.  That's the moment I knew we were not fixable.  I don't want to be with someone because they say I need them for financial or security reasons.  I want to need someone, but the kind of need like I cannot bear to live without them, not the stuff they buy for us, or because they tell me I have to.

My husbands new trashy looking girl friend, that I can handle, his insistence that I know about it, that too I can take...bring it on actually. His hypocritical judgments and meddling, that will be my breaking point. What part of leave me alone is so hard to comprehend?  We both agree.  We are done.  No working through it, no time apart.  Done.  Then why does he get to keep tossing about rumors and accusations?

Who would have thought a grown man would be such a drama king.  It's pathetic really.

I have set in motion my newest plan.  I am ridding myself of anything or anyone who connects me with my old life.  Our mutual friends?  He can have them.  My family has seen his true colors lately, so they are no longer giving me the "oh your poor husband still loves you so much" lectures.  Apparently him showing up at my mother's house singing the blues and then a few days later parading his new girl around town where my mother saw them ruined his act.  I let him, I didn't defend myself or my actions even to my own mother, in the chance that if he and I had a shot ever fixing our marriage, turning my mother against him wouldn't help anyone.  He is a confirmed idiot.  The only one who holds grudges longer than me, is my mother. He definitely should have kept her out of it.

Anyways, my plan.  Friends are his.  Anything materialistically speaking, he can have.  I don't want our acquired shit.  He sold our jeep (which is in my name that my mortgage being refinanced payed off) and bought a truck apparently.  Without mentioning it to me other than TELLING me, not asking me, to sign off on the title.  I decided I was in no hurry to do that currently.  I am ever so busy.... it might take some time to get all the way there (a five minute drive) to sign off.  I don't like being bullied.  

I got a new job this morning.  So I will have something to keep myself out of trouble during my nights and weekends.  This will also help sever ties to my husband more quickly, financially speaking.  I am also toying with the idea of selling my home.  This is painful to think about.  I love it.  I have poured myself into every room, and it was mine long before even meeting my husband, but it is a burden in many ways.  The memories, the upkeep, the plans we had for it, all weigh on me daily.  A fresh start will probably require it be one of the first things to go.

Overall, I am happier.  I am sad.  Don't get me wrong.  I have never been so sad, or so often.  But it is a different kind of sad.  It's manageable.  When I break down and ball my eyes out it isn't because I don't know how to pick myself back up and keep going, it is because I am mourning the loss of a simple life that I could have had.  Now things are hard, and messy, but they are mine.  No bullying from a husband.  No guilt trips.  No silent wars.  It is just me.  It is lonely, but then again, I was lonely with him. I have to keep reminding myself of that.  It is easy to get lost when you are sad and lonely.

But don't we all know, I know how to fix lonely....

But now I am not ruining my self worth by having to be dishonest and sneaky.

Every day is a battle.  But as cliche as it sounds I have no intention of fighting this war he is trying to create.  I am living defensively and quietly.  He is being loud, threatening lawyers, and violent acts.  I keep a smile on my face so when he sees me he has no idea he is hurting me.  Even when he isn't around I hold my head up, and my mouth closed.  He has spies everywhere.  This town is poison.

I am better than all of it.

Just a Dumb Girl and a Letter Never Meant to be Sent

I am not a dumb girl.  Repeat that to yourself a few times. 

Okay, now breathe in, breathe out.  Focus. 

If I am not dumb...

Then why in the fuck do I keep doing dumb things?!

I mean, I have always made mistakes.  Lots and lots of them.  It is sort of my thing.   They make for clever anecdotes, things to laugh about in the long run, but I never ever repeat them.  So why do I repeatedly get sucked into this vortex of self destruction?  

I let people be my anchors.  That is my first mistake.  

People aren't constant.  I need constant.  Everyone needs basic consistencies in their lives.  Basic stability.  I need things that when I feel myself slipping, when I notice I am spiraling out of control, I can steady myself with, something rock solid to hold on to.  I don't need to be searching for something when I am in that out-of-control state.  That's what I have been doing.  Searching, grasping, clinging to anything that makes me feel like my feet are on the ground when in fact they aren't.  I find bad things when I am searching while in the twisted mindset. 

People aren't constant and cannot be found in a moment of mania.  Well, they can be, but usually the ones I find aren't the kind I should be surrounding myself with, despite what they may appear at first. People are funny that way.  Especially certain men I have found in the last few months.  They see something off about you.  They like the quirky, slightly broken, stubborn and feisty girl they see, they seem to know what I need to hear, need to see.  Maybe they don't have bad intentions to begin with, I don't know.  Who can ever really know someone else's intentions.  Ultimately though, they turn out to be the same.  They present themselves in a non-threatening manner and when I stop and let my guard down.  Bam.  Dumb girl.  What a dumb pathetic girl.  

Writing is a constant.  But I have to settle down enough to actually sit and formulate coherent words in my head and be able to translate them into actual words that other people can understand.  That takes time and a certain mindset that I do not always have.  

I am disconnecting from so many people.  Searching for reasons to cut them out.  Just give me a reason, I dare you.  Some people make it too easy. 

I will not keep being a dumb silly girl.  (Repeat that one to yourself too.)

Dearest Matt, 

You my dear, were very good.  Took it slow.  Kept it steady.  Pushed just hard enough to get me to open up, without pushing too hard to be annoying or forceful.  You were kind and gentle.  Reliable.  You dealt with my situation with me, not for me, or without leaving me to fend for myself.  That was something you didn't have to do, and I certainly didn't ask you to.  You dealt with my angry husband with grace, you were kind and respectful of his hurt feelings.  It's funny how you knew not to come on too strong with me, even once we established a comfort zone, because I would spook, and I loved that you at the same time did not take me, or the time that I gave you for granted.  You complimented my personality, my spirit, made me feel smart again.  

A few nights ago I finally told you my whole story.  The version that I have shared with only a few real people in my life and then anonymously via my blog.  And it was not just the chopped up version that you had before.  It was not pretty, but I was honest.  You didn't judge me.  You pulled me in and told me that I am a strong woman and that I would be just fine.  That whatever we were, we would be just fine. 

A weight lifted off my chest as I confessed the things I have done, the places I have found myself in, the thoughts I have had, the frightening thoughts I am still having.  You listened and shared some secrets of your own.  

That night we stayed up talking and sharing other intimate moments.  Yesterday morning, we made plans to see each other last night, nothing major just something to look forward to.  My last certification test was yesterday afternoon and you said we would be celebrating my success, because you knew I was going to nail it.  

I was annoyed when you didn't show up on time, and I was slightly secretly pissed when you told me that you had to hang with the guys for a bit first because you haven't spent much time with them lately.  I was okay with what you were doing, but since you didn't care to give me a heads up prior I felt a little stood up.  -But hey, I'm flexible, or trying to be.  You aren't my boyfriend and I don't want to be any ones anything for a while.  Do what you want.  

I became angry when hours later I was still waiting on you.  I told you I was going to bed and to have a good night.  Code for, your an asshole, and by the way, strike one.  

Then my dear you fucked up.  You went directly to strike three and you are out of here.  

We have mutual friends and they all are religious Snapchat users.  You know all those times last night at the bar they were laughing, talking, and singing into their phones?  Yeah they then drunkenly sent them to all of their Snapchat friends, I was blessed to be one of those friends. 

I particularly loved the one that woke me up with you and that pretty little brunette in the background.  That one was my favorite, especially since I just told you the night before how I got the pleasure of finding out the truth about Nick and his girl in that gut wrenching first person manner too.  It is one thing to hear about something, another to see it yourself.   I told you how each week I have to see him and how it makes me physically sick to my stomach how stupid I felt to of been played like that.

This one at least wasn't a face-to-face 'oh so this must be me being replaced and you didn't tell me' moment, it was just a lucky accident.  Again, karma.  I deserve this.  I deserved to be sad and alone in my bed last night. But honestly, I just didn't see it coming.  She was very cute by the way, and every time she touched you, and worse you touched her, I didn't feel jealous by the way.  I felt... cold.  The lump in my throat threatened tears, but not for you, I can be over you as easily as everything else I have overcame as of late.  

So like I said.  You were good my dear.  Real good.   

You are not an anchor for me. 

I will not just be a dumb girl.    

Painting Fake Realities

It's very easy to forget the big picture of the mess your in when you get caught up in a series of little moments.

I find peace in the small fractions of time when I don't have to think.  I just act.  A calm washes over me where I am certain that I will be okay, that I am okay actually. I long for those small moments to become my reality.

These moments come to me in the form of the adrenalin rushes at the gym or running the cold winter streets of this stupid little town.  The simplicity of the warm supportive arms of Matt where I have been finding myself  more and more frequently paints a fake reality that in the moment seems just right, laughing and talking about nothing important for hours at a time, not a thought as to what happens in the morning when we both have to go back to our real lives.  Then there are those times while teaching and helping the children who have become such a big part of my life, their small optimistic existence never ceases to bring me out of whatever funk I have found myself in. There is also the small amount of time where I simply curl up in my bed with a glass of wine and a good book.  I block the big picture of my life and just savor the moment.

But reality check.      


My house seems to be my anchor.  Both the anchor keeping me safe from floating off to sea to potentially never be seen or heard from again, but also the weight dragging me along, preventing me from moving to calmer waters.  Jim is the rough water.  I am the one who stirred it up, but there is no calming it.  It will tear us both apart just for the sake of staying together.  If I could just leave him everything I would.  He doesn't want it.  Neither do I.  It traps me.

This weekend was a series of small moments but when I woke up this morning I remembered that although our lives are made up of a series of small moments, you cannot escape the reality of your life.

The Elephant in the Room

My mother.  

She finally convinced me to come to dinner.  If I had it my way she wouldn't know anything about my life currently, until I knew for sure what was happening that is, but my dumb ass husband called and ratted me out after he moved out.  Who does that... 

Anyways, she has been worried blahh. blahhh, blahhhh.  So I finally went over there to show her that I am fine.  More than fine.  I am a well adjusted member of society who just happens to be too busy to answer all the texts and phone calls that she keeps bombarding me with. Perfect parting gift from Jim... sicking my mother on me.  Clever.  

The first hour, we just didn't address it.  I told her all about how work and student teaching was going, and she updated me on her health.  (Cancer life.  Health is always a conversation piece.)

Then she says, "I am not trying to not talk about it but I figured if you wanted to talk about it you would bring it up... so I wont bring it up...." 

Uhhh, thanks ma.  Clearly you just brought it up.  So we went into it. 

Ultimately I told her about my life as of late.  I hinted at my indiscretion with my marriage.  I refer to it singularly because I am referring to the mindset of it all... not the acts themselves, and while talking to your mother you don't exactly want to spell out that you have been pretty slutty lately....  But I pretty much skirted around it.  She of course she then gave me some 'words of advice.'

"Make the choice that will make you happy in the long run.  Not just what makes you happy now."  

I looked at her blankly and then narrowed my eyes at her.  She hesitated, then continued, "I am certainly not saying that Jim is it, I just don't want you to have regrets later on."

My answer was simple.  

Neither do I.  Which is why I think he and I can't work.  I will regret not living my life. 

I have to get out of this two star town.  I need new people, new opportunities, a fresh start.  And wine. 

On a side note-  

I have refrained from calling Nick.  I have successfully avoided him in class and I am slowly deleting that mess from my conscious thoughts... Mostly.  I have had a few close moments of weakness, but I have refrained.  Like I said, he is the bad thing I do to myself when I feel low.  And for the record, I got a closer look at the girl he apparently chose over me, all I have to say is she must have a great personality or something.  I mean you wouldn't know it from looking at her, she looks miserable and bitchy, and I am not just saying that because I am not supposed to like her by default either.  I just don't get it.  

My neighbor was a sweetheart and plowed out my driveway yesterday, I thanked him and went on with my day.  So did he.  Case closed?  

Matt.  I have been keeping him at a safe distance.  It is smart to do so.  Nothing good can come from getting closer for either of us.  He is too young.  Not age wise, I mean he is younger than me, but not much, but he is just... not there yet... I don't know how to explain it.  

I see him on occasion, and we talk daily, but he already has his ticket out of this place.  He has been working on getting into a masters program on the opposite side of the country.  He jokes that I should come with him.  He has been studying for weeks for the admissions test. Today he passed.  Which is good.  One less complication ultimately.  Like I said, nothing good can come of this for either of us.  

Who knows.  What I feel about people changes daily.  Sometimes I wake up feeling one way about someone and by the end of the day I am feeling the exact opposite.  For example, I am currently thinking about sending a text to someone bad for me just because I am bored and lonely.  Great logic.

 

The Throbbing

Have I hit rock bottom yet?

Every time I think that I most definitely have too be there, the hits just keep on coming and I slip further down.

I thought of a metaphor that I can use to describe my life right now.  I'm thinking of my life as my left knee.  Seems a little strange I know, but bear with me. 

My left knee has began protesting my affection for running in the form of excessive swelling.  It hurts a little, but is mostly just stiff and swollen.  I didn't do anything differently to hurt my knee, it just all of a sudden began to look like something was wrong.  Much like my sudden discontentment with my life.  The knee, well it didn't hurt, so I just kept doing my thing.  Life goes on.  One foot in front of the other, mile after mile, day after day, until my lungs would feel like bursting.  While my heart is working hard to support the strain I am putting on it, I feel alive.  Much like my little misadventures as of late.

The stiffness increased with time, as did the size.  People start to notice, but you push on through, you push them aside.  What do they know anyways.

I even tried to care for it at the suggestion of others.  Both metaphorically and literally.  Ice it here and there, take a little break, but ultimately the swelling persisted and I craved the racing heart, the dripping sweat, and the high.  So again, I beat the shit out of it and then deal with the consequences later.

How long before I just blow the bugger out?  How much longer can I live with this constant mayhem that has become my life?

This evening, my husband told me I had to let him back into the house.  That I had to choose him tonight or he would be making my life hell with lawyers come tomorrow morning.  I don't do well cornered and I sure as hell don't like ultimatums.  I clenched my teeth and stared at him.  He wanted a rise out of me. He was baiting me.  Fuck it.  I wouldn't give it to him.  He looked wild eyed for a few moments and then he just broke down and cried.  He tossed my keys on the counter, the keys he had stolen moments before to prove to me that he could come and go as he pleased, and just wept.  Had he not just spent the previous ten minutes saying hateful things I would have went to him.  I always go to him when he is hurting.  I stood there and tried to sooth the raging beast within me.  I grew up with a man who pushed me around, physically and emotionally, so I certainly know this much about myself, I over react slightly when I feel threatened.  He stopped crying and again reiterated everything he said before.  This time I walked away from him.  I began to pick up some of the tissues on the table, bad combination of being sick and crying... I produce a lot of tissue waste.  He said he was leaving.  I heard him shuffling near the door and the sounds of him leaving.

I walk into the kitchen and slump onto the floor against the base of my pantry door.  I pull the knee that can bend into my chest and rest my head on it.  I cry, the hardest I have cried since my grandfather died.  The kind that shakes your whole body.  It was quiet but violent.  It was the first time since this all started that I didn't feel like a robot.  I don't hear anything, and my hair is sticking to my face.  I gasp for air, being sick, I began to cough.  I feel a hand on my shoulder.  The mother fucker didn't leave, and now he is trying to be affectionate.  I tense up.  He tries pulling my body into him.  He somehow is on the floor next to me.  I fight back and stand up.  Still unable to get air into my lungs I cough and try to blow my nose.  My god damn hair is everywhere.

I am not weak and he will not see me this way.  I wipe my face first with a tissue then with my sleeve.  I looked him dead in the eye, set my jaw, cleared my throat, took in two deep breaths then said, "Do what you have to do, but get away from me."

He left.  It's been quiet for about an hour.  The knee is throbbing.  All I want to do is go for a run, but it is a little too cold and I am afraid of running in the dark a bit.  Mostly because no one would notice for a while if I didn't make it back.

So yeah, looking forward to some divorce paperwork soon.  Note the sarcasm.  Rock bottom yet?

It is what it is and it was what it was.

You wouldn't know it based on these little ramblings, but I used to be the fun girl, not the sad girl.

Queen of shenanigans, sarcasm, and sincerity.  Energetic and goofy, always finding reasons to laugh and make others laugh with me.  Singing made up songs while creating fascinating dance moves wouldn't have been out of the ordinary, running for the fun of it rather than the obsession with the way it numbs my mind.  I used to enjoy everything that I did.  Even the less desirable things, I could find some way to make them fun.  That was just how I did it.

Somewhere I lost her.  She either slipped away slowly, or maybe just one day she was gone.  She left me.  As soon as I realized that void I longed to feel that way again.  I have been searching for her ever since.

I think that is what all of these little escapades have really been about.  Finding that girl.  I mean I undeniably got twisted up in them, I lost myself more in the process. They became something so much bigger to me. New emotions came into play, but while exploring and having new people get to know me, I could almost convince them that I was still that girl, because they never knew how much better the old version was in comparison.

I will never forget the look on his face the first time he realized I was definitely a little, for lack of a better word, off.  It had to do with my aversion to coffee lids, he stopped and just stared at me for a moment.  I narrowed my eyes playfully at him and said, 'what now??'  He laughed and told me that I 'was something else.'  I cocked my head to the side and said with a slightly sarcastic tone 'well what else could I be?....and is that a good thing or a bad thing, because I am afraid I am what I am.'  He looked at me for a moment and just shook his head and smiled.  'Definitely a good thing.'

I thought maybe I had found her again in those weeks.  Someone drew her back out, maybe she didn't leave me, maybe she was just somewhere in the background, waiting for me to come looking for her.  He described me the way I used to see myself before the darkness crept in.  I think that is what drew me to him.  There was also the fact that he recognized this other part of myself that I have been wrestling with as of late.  He was okay with both versions of me.

I think that is the answer to the infamous question of, "why on earth do you even care about that creep?"  I have put a lot of thought into that question, because the sane rational side of myself, which believe it or not is the dominant part of me, knows how messed up it is to even have given him the time of day.  Let alone such a huge chunk of myself.

I have come to the conclusion that ultimately,
It is what it is and it was what it was.
I'm over the past.  Fuck it.  Fuck him.
My life is happening around me.  Now.  Whichever version of me that I am today, has to face it.
I am going to fucking own it because it is mine.

Little Talks

I'm glad I showed my friend the texts over the last few months, I am glad he heard that last phone call.  It helps reassure me that I am sane and that I did not make it all up in my head.  Had there not been a witness to it, I would almost doubt that it had ever happened at all based on my apparent sudden insignificance now.



I told my friend tonight that it feels like I am trapped in a self destructive loop.  I am so tired of the same shit over and over again, but I cannot escape it, nor can I shake the ache that comes along with it. My brain keeps replaying the last time I saw him over and over again, what happened, and what did I miss?  How can I even care about this man?  He has caused me nothing but pain since I have met him excluding maybe the first few weeks of him manipulating me into thinking he was something that he is certainly not.  He has said time and time again, "I'm sorry, I am not perfect." My response has always been, "I don't want perfect, I want real."  He is a fucking fake.



I opened up a bottle of wine, (surprise surprise right?) and decided to listen to a song that has been stuck in my head the last few days.



"I don't like walking around this old and empty house

So hold my hand, I'll walk with you, my dear" -It's not the empty house that is getting to me tonight.



"The stairs creak as I sleep, it's keeping me awake

It's the house telling you to close your eyes" -God I wish I could sleep... I can't even close my eyes.



'Cause though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore -What is the truth anymore?  I have lost track.

"There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back

Well tell her that I miss our little talks -More than anything right now.

Soon it will be over and buried with our past

We used to play outside when we were young

And full of life and full of love." 

 -I would slaughter this little voice if given the opportunity.  I would stab the shit it of it, bury it deep in the earth, and then destroy all evidence that it ever existed.  

I don't just miss the little talks, I crave them, they seem made up.  Fake.  A figment of my imagination.  I can talk to a lot of people, even about the mess I am in, but the way he made me feel was something unique.  He got it.  He has been where I am.  

"You're gone, gone, gone away

I watched you disappear  -Wish I knew that's what it was when it was happening.

All that's left is the ghost of you. -Fucking haunted.

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,

There's nothing we can do

Just let me go we'll meet again soon

Now wait, wait, wait for me

Please hang around

I'll see you when I fall asleep" -Did I mention I wish I could sleep?

"Hey!

Don't listen to a word I say

Hey!

The screams all sound the same

Hey!

Though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore"

It sounds like a stupid sad sappy song, but it actually is really good and surprisingly upbeat. Listen to it.  

It's not just him.  I am not the kind of girl who falls apart over a guy.  Even if the guy did make quite an impression... and then just disappear with no explanation and then a few days later flaunt his new girl literally in front of my face in a scenario where I am trapped in the same room with them for hours on end... I digress. 

My cousin called me tonight and asked me to move to Florida with her.  I told her yes.  I meant it.  I told her I had to graduate first.  I am that serious about needing a new life.  

Karma is a bitch and that dude is an asshole.

"I'm sorry."  Two little words.  Two evil, manipulative, heart clenching words.  I'm so tired of hearing them!

For which part I asked him in response.  

"Just the losing my temper part.  I just don't understand how you could not know that I care about you after everything."  Nick shows very little actual emotion these days so this is about as good as it gets. I was not in the mood.  I also had nothing to say to this.  I needed to get back to work.  So that's what I did.  It was a Friday and I was eager to get out of there. Plus I didn't want my coworker to see that I was still giving Nick the time of day...  

Closing up my classroom with my coworker, my cellphone rang.

"Babe, what are you doing right now?" At the sound of his voice I instantly smile.  Ick.

Instantly I was a stupid giddy girl who forgot she was holding a grudge.  He had pretty much ignored me since he finally was allowed to be with me.  He begged me to split from my husband because that would change everything, then he pretty much went MIA.  Dickhead move.  Then he got snippy with me when I simply asked him about it.  (That is what the apology was for, he had yelled at me about it and I didn't talk to him for another two days after as my response to his hosility.)

"I am leaving work now, why what are you doing?"

"Come over," he replied.

My coworker gave me that all knowing look and shook his head.  Apparently my giddy disposition gave me away.  Or he saw my phone.  I cannot remember, I was distracted.  He and I had talked earlier in our shift about how out of all the paths I could take right now, Nick was by far the worst choice, yet he happened to be my favorite choice.  I just can't shake him.  I said it before, he gets under my skin.

Hours later I find myself standing in the doorway of his garage looking out into the starry snowy night.  There was no breeze but the air was frigid.  I couldn't see them at first but I could hear them.

"Hey!  She is here!  Go get changed!"

 I stare skeptically at the two men in the hot tub.  Fog spilled out from over the sides of the tub blocking most of them from my view but I could see several beer cans along the side, empty or full, I was unsure at that point, but I was curious about how one would get into the hot tub without freezing their ass off.  This is what I was thinking about in the moments I stood in the doorway as Nick hopped out of the tub and bounced the few feet from the tub to the garage, his bare feet hitting the snow quickly.  He wrapped his warm wet arms around me and kissed me.  I was over being mad.

"I missed you," he whispered and then loud enough for his friend to hear he yelled,  "Hurry up girl!  Go get that bikini on!"

He grabbed some more beer from the fridge next to me and pranced back out into the snow.  I stood there another moment staring into the night.  I was not so sure about this one.  His friend chimed in with something about leaving anything I didn't want to get wet in the house.

I change.  I reapply all of my winter clothes.  Something about walking out into 17 degree weather in a bikini just didn't seem like something I wanted to do.  I take one step out the door and both guys yell at me to get my ass back in the house and just man up and take off the winter clothes.  I scowl and march back in.

I take a deep breath.  A cold deep breath.  The garage wasn't exactly warm either.  What the hell.  You only live once right?  I just might die a little sooner from hypothermia.  I take off my boots first, then my knee high socks.  I don't fuck around when I bundle up.  I hesitate at my jeans, but then strip them down.  I unzip my heavy coat and unwrap my scarf.  Sliding the coat to the ground I think about the tank top and zippy running jacket I still have on concealing my bathing suit...yeah they are going to help escort me to that tub.  I walk out quickly.

Upon getting to the side of the tub I realize that I hadn't noticed before that there were no quick or easy ways in.  There were stairs on the other side, but they were buried in a snow bank.  The boys were blocking the closest entrance.  Every second that my feet rested in the snow I was in agony.  Laughing the guys reached their hands out and helped me in.... coat and tank top included.  I pulled them off quickly because I didn't want the chlorine to ruin them.  Nick threw them off into the snow.  Well... there goes my only dry clothes.  Fabulous.

Nick's friend Dan was rambling on about constellations so I sunk down into the water and just listened.  Nick pulled me over to him and I rested in his arms as we all looked up into the night sky.  It was so clear.  Minutes ticked on by.  We laughed.  Dan was complaining about his lighter not working and being out of beer.  Nick's eyes were closed and his head was back but he was rubbing my leg so I knew he was still awake.  Dan eventually got tired of bitching apparently and got out.  After a few minutes of him not coming back, Nick began to kiss the back of my neck.  I let him for a moment, and then turned around and kissed him back.  He whispered something about me being his girl.  He rested his head on my shoulder.  It must have gotten wet because there was ice forming in his hair.  I ran my hand through it a few times, I had never really realized how soft of hair he had.  He suddenly pushed me away and then pulled me into the spot he had been sitting.

As he began to push up against me and tug at my suit, I muttered something about how I once read about how bad it is for a girls body to have sex in a hot tub.  He laughed and put his hand over my mouth to shut me up.  He was laughing as he struggled with my suit.  I float so the entire thing was hilarious.  Ultimately he got his way.  And a few minutes later Dan returned and we all laughed, talked, and drank for a while longer.  Eventually we decided that it was getting late so we got out of the tub and made a dash for the house.  Dan headed for the basement game room where he slept, and I grabbed what dry clothes I still had left.  Nick pulled me to his room where he wrapped me in a towel and then began kissing me again.  I was shivering and my long frozen hair was slowly dripping down my back.  He peeled my wet suit off of me and pushed me playfully onto his bed.
He whispered to me, "Did you miss me this week?"

****Yeah... Insert round two details here....****

"I gotta go find Dan." I kid you not, these were the next words he said to me right after he finished.  I sit up and look at him for a moment.  He was already putting on dry clothes.

"Well I am going to need a dry shirt."  Without looking at me, he tossed me a clean dry t-shirt.  He walked out of the room.

Why does this behavior even still surprise me!?  I get dressed.  My hair is a wet curly mess, but it doesn't look half bad.  I wipe smeared mascara off my face, take a deep breath, and walk into the room where I find the guys playing Madden.  I sit next to Nick for a few moments and he playfully nudges me with his knee.

My friend calls me.  I decide it's time to go home.  Earlier in the night Nick had asked me to spend the night with him, but after a reality check from my pal I decided I needed to get out of there.  By the time I got off the phone, Nick had left to go get food.  Dan turned to me and asked if I would play for Nick in the game for a few minutes.  I agreed.

After a moment Dan said, "you know, you should definitely stay, he likes you, and I know he wants you here."  I just laughed.

Nick came back with some food, but mostly was excited about the weed he apparently just purchased.  He didn't look at me, and hadn't said a word since returning. I walked over to him to say good bye but he positioned himself so his back was now turned to me.  It was deliberate, which pissed me off.  I looked over at Dan who was back to playing his game.  Then I looked at the door. Out I walked.

That was three days ago.  I didn't contact him, and he didn't contact me.

Today I got the pleasure of seeing Nick on campus.  Note that I am most definitely being sarcastic.  He not only ignored the playful  message I sent him when we first got there, despite me seeing him on his phone, he was definitely there with another girl.  My friend/coworker also attends the same school as me so he assured me I am prettier than this chick, but I know him well enough to know that he would fib to spare my feelings.

Even if he isn't fibbing Nick clearly thought this girl was better than me...At first I thought they were just sitting together because we were in a big long meeting, but despite not wanting to see, I saw the flirtatious talking and touching.  The meeting broke up and we were all separated. I was relieved to see them leave.  An hour later my group was dismissed and I purchased a coffee to keep me awake for my drive home.  I talked to a few girls I hadn't seen in a while and slowly made my way to my car.  While crossing the parking lot to my car I walked in front of a vehicle slowly coming around the corner.  Wouldn't you know.  It was Nick.  Perfect terrible timing.  She was in his car and appeared to be playfully pulling on his arm.  He was smiling and then he looked right at me.  Not skipping a beat he turned his head and drove off.

Yeah.  So karma is a bitch.  I guess I deserved that.  Ultimately I probably deserve worse, but wow, I am not going to lie, today would have sucked without the addition of his presence.

Like I said before.  He is a fucking razor blade.  This time he may have at least went for the jugular so I might be able to move on from the nightmare that has been knowing him. That's what it has been.  A nonstop nightmare.  It's not wonder I can't sleep.      

Just a little redecorating to lighten the mood!

So funny little story.

Apparently the other night, while under the influence of a little too much adult beverage, I remember thinking that there were too many pictures of my husband and I in my living room.   In that state of mind I apparently just couldn't have that.

For whatever reason this prompted me to play a little game.  Keep in mind it was somewhere between two and four in the morning and it was a solo game, but either way, I found it amusing to find creative ways to cover up the pictures.  I couldn't lay them down, flip them over, or put them away.  I found unique items in my home to redecorate the areas in a way that made it almost look accidental that one, or both of us were blocked from the view.   My personal favorite was a couple of gnomes I had... I lined them up next to one another and made them look like they were having a staring contest.  This particular arrangement blocked our wedding photo perfectly.  I made them do a little dance as I pushed them into the perfect spot to mock/block the photo.

Anyway, long story short, I found it amusing and I left them all there.

My husband who came over tonight to bring food, because apparently no one thinks I have been eating these days, which on a side note is really annoying because I eat plenty, I am just loosing weight because I have been really active... anyways, he did not find my little game funny.  He saw it when he first came in and I found it even more funny that he pretended not to have seen it.  I watched him stare at the gnomes in particular and then look at where they used to be like maybe they hopped on over there themselves.  (Please don't judge me for having gnomes.  I actually hate them, but the one is an Ohio State gnome and I am certain he is good luck even though I purchased him as a joke, and the other one my grandfather had carved at some point and I found it in his workshop after he died and adopted him. I am really not a weirdo I swear.)  It took my husband another good twenty minutes before he grew a pair and inquired about my new decor.  He didn't find my drunken game amusing and he made a point to make sure I knew about it.  So as he was leaving, I made the one gnome who was blocking Jim in the photo turn around and shake his tushy at Jim as he was leaving.  Again, my humor isn't received well these days.  Go figure.

With a little help from a friend...

Today's to do list:

1. Sleep off the bottle of wine I consumed last night.  -Check
2. Shower and reapply sweatpants/t-shirt and pile hair in a messy bun on top of the head because there is no one to impress today. -Check
3. Drink coffee, mope around. -Check
4. Binge watch New Girl, mope around. -Check
5. Not leave the house or talk to anyone, mope around.  -Check

Tonight was unexpected but was actually exactly what I needed.  My phone had been silent most of the day aside from a few depressing texts from my husband so I barely touched it aside from a few quick games of Trivia Crack.  

Matt began to text me somewhere in the early afternoon time but I wasn't really in the mood to talk.  I wasn't being rude, but hey, I hadn't really heard from him the last couple of days, I am PMSing and pissy, and frankly, I just wanted to mope in solitude.

Finally he asked what I did last night.  I told him.  Drank solo.  Watched a lot of Netflix.  Drank some more.  Read.  Wrote.  Drank some more.  I told him not to judge me, and he assured me he was not.  (I would judge me.  I sound pathetic and like a potential alcoholic in the making)

"Well, what are you doing today?" he asked. 

 -Yeah umm... watching more Netflix.  I have become one with my couch.  

"Would you like to get some dinner and watch the game with me tonight?" 

-Yeah umm... I am not really feeling well, lady issues. and I don't want to take off my sweatpants to go anywhere.  (AKA I am pouting, leave me alone.)

"Take out and I come to you?"

-Yeah... umm... I would still have to put on real clothes and brush my hair.  (AKA my husband is at his best friends house a few houses down I don't want drama today....but that is a sweet suggestion considering I am kind of being a pain in the ass to you right now.)

"Come on, dinner is on me.  And I will come pick you up and take you where ever you want to go."

(I hate driving places, smooth.) -Meh.  Where would you even want to go...

"Anywhere you want."

-Yeah... I don't think so. (Still pouting, laying pathetically on my couch.) 

"Get your butt up, I will be there in 30 minutes"  

-There is no way I will be ready in 30 minutes for anything.  

"Fine.  Make it 45.  Hell take an hour.  See you soon."

Had to hand it to him, it was smooth.  He navigated my pissy attitude landmines with grace.  I still stayed on the couch another 10 minutes or so just out of principle.  I ultimately ended up trading my sweats for jeans, took a look at my hair and decided that it was good enough for me.  I put a layer of mascara on and called it good.  I decided he was already warned, he could deal with the mess.  

He pulled up in front of my house and I hopped into his truck.  He was the first person I had actually talked to in over 24 hours so I was feeling a little off.  I said hello, but I was still being mopey apparently, because he told me that mopey behavior is not allowed and that I was going to have a wonderful time.  I smiled a little at his confidence and thanked him for not asking me to drive even though my house is a good 20 minute drive in the opposite direction of where were going.  We talked the whole drive to there and by the time we pulled into the parking lot I was already feeling much better.  He held on to my arm as we walked across the icy parking lot because I slipped a little and then he opened the door for me when we got there.  (It's little things that surprise me.)

He bought me a drink and we sat down.  I told him I really wasn't feeling well so I didn't actually want dinner.  I haven't had much of an appetite these days.  He said he would feel weird eating without me, and I assured him that he could just buy me drinks and I would be fine as we watched the game.  He got some food.  I was dreading the next part.  The lip smacking.  But he chewed with his mouth closed.  And he was eating chicken wings which even normal eaters are sometimes annoying about.  Interesting.  He again asked if I wanted anything, probably because I was staring at him.   (Partially because I was still amazed at the turn-around in table manners and partially because he is really attractive to me.)  

We didn't so much watch the game, as just sat and talked.  We talked about everything.  The mess yesterday with my husband, my future plans, his future plans, our pasts, everything.  It was a lot of fun.  He kept commenting on my anxious twitching that I get late at night or when something has me worked up.  He wasn't making fun, but was making sure I was alright.  He told me that he didn't really care about the game, but he wanted to see me, and it seemed like I really needed to get out of my house whether I wanted to or not.  He was right of course.  I was wallowing.  Wallowing is not my thing typically so I didn't recognize it at the time.  I never just lay around and feel bad for myself.  I am always in motion.  The things I do might not always make the most sense, or might not be the right thing to do, but at least I am doing something!

He asked me if I wanted to go home, and I told him no.  It was only halftime and despite the chair being uncomfortable and me having horrible cramps I was enjoying myself.  I had already told him I work early tomorrow so he was trying to make sure I got home at a reasonable hour.  We continued talking.  I began to wonder what exactly this was.  Was this a date?  Honestly I have never been on a 'date' before.  I have been out with guys, but they were always like already my boyfriend and we were comfortable and it was more out of function and practicality of needing to eat rather than just to spend time together.  Did I miss this being a date?  We are both flirty people, so our conversations are flirtatious often, but he has kept out of my space but we were sitting closely together.  He has touched my leg a couple of times because of the annoying leg twitch I do, but aside from that, nothing.  Was this just a friendly gesture?  Does he know I can't really be causing drama with my husband right now?  We talked about all of that and he was surprisingly polite about all of it, he said he totally gets it.

I thanked him for being so nice to me.  I didn't realize I needed that today.  I think most people would have taken me politely saying no that many times and just accepted it, but he said that he could tell that something was off and that I needed to get out.  He drove me home and as I was getting out of his truck I almost invited him in, but instead I thanked him again.  He smiled and said that's what friends are for.  He has said that to me before late at night when I tell him something embarrassing or am apologizing for venting at him.  Maybe we are just friends... who have seen each other naked a couple times last week?  So confused.  I am not cut out for dating.  

He sent me a text a few minutes after he left.  I told him I should have asked him to come in because I was thinking about it.  He said I definitely should have, because it seemed like I could use the company.  I like that he didn't try to make a move.  There was slight touching, like holding my arm gently as we walked through the snow, and a few little touches at dinner, but he didn't try to get in my space.  He seemed to know I needed it.  

So yeah.  That all came out of no where.  He has grown on me quite a bit more.

On a side note, douche bag Nick hasn't taken the time to check in on me, despite me pretty much disappearing on him Friday night while he was getting high with his friend.  He is such a piece of work.  I'm dreading having to see him in two days on campus.  See how that works?  I have had a perfectly pleasant night, with a sweet, funny, attractive guy, who does check in on me, and cared enough to put up with my moodiness to get me out of the house....and yet I'm a little upset that I still haven't heard from Nick.  Fucked up.

Anyways.  Must wrap this up.  Matt is trying to set up plans for next weekend to see me currently.... I must decide now what I want this to be.  Or not be.  

The Ringing In My Ears

Last night I went to bed smelling like Nick.  I fell asleep in one of his t-shirts.  Not out of sentimental reasons.  More out of pure exhaustion and lack of dry clothing.  Long story.  I am just glad I landed in my own bed ultimately.  A phone call from a good friend brought me back to reality and the security of my own home.

I think it is time that I give actual names to the delightful people I have been writing about.  It is getting confusing enough as it is without the absence of names.  Nick.  The narcissistic asshole.  The bipolar, druggy, alcoholic who barely tries to win me over anymore yet still manages to get to me.  I also decided upon seeing an episode of Fringe that he looks very similar to Joshua Jackson if you want a visual.  He gets under my skin, Nick, not Joshua Jackson.  I hate him really.  He is like the hateful thing I do to myself when I am feeling bad.  I could never be a cutter, but I get why they do it.  Nick is like the fucking razor blade.  Or maybe he is even the cut itself.  He makes me feel alive momentarily, but he makes sure to choke that life out of me prior to leaving his side.  If his actions don't cut me down he is damn sure to say something to guarantee that I feel terrible before I go.  It's so weird how he started out such a different person to me.  I still don't know if he has spun out of control in the two months that I have known him, or if I was delusional at the beginning.  Doesn't matter really, just a thought.  He is what he is.  There is this song that makes me think of him, it is a stupid sappy song, and it is about an 'almost' lover but that's how I think about the different versions of him.

I barely heard from him this week, after letting my husband go, yet he calls me and I am there.  He calls me Babe, begs me to come, tells me he misses me, bam.  I am there.  I know it's bullshit but I almost appreciate the effort.

I wish I could say that this week I had spent more time thinking and accessing my current situation.  I told my husband that before I, in his words 'threw us away' would think about it.  I cleaned.  A lot.  I cleaned out my closets, I made sure all the empty spaces left from my husband were neatly filled, I tidied my basement, my car, my garage, my classroom, anything and everything.  Side effect of anxiety issues and being obsessive compulsive... really clean living spaces.  I left little time for thought.

I would feel bad if I only saw Nick this week the one time last night....but there was also Matt.

Matt, also known to you all as the very pretty Micheal C. Hall look-a-like.  You know, the guy I was never going to see again.  Yeah, that worked out perfectly.  This guy completely gets my jokes, sometimes he even beats me to them.  It's borderline infuriating.  My references never need explained, which is cool, because usually I have to explain myself, or the other person just doesn't find them as funny as I do.  I have never met someone who likes the same exact weird movies and music as we do, makes for a lot to talk about.

There is also the fact that I very rarely feel at an intellectual disadvantage when talking to other people, but he is surprisingly brilliant.  It's refreshing.  My husband isn't dumb, but he isn't very intellectual either.  Books and education aren't really his thing.  Nick is very smart too, but he is usually too wasted to appear to be anything but brain dead.  My neighbor, Greg, also not an idiot, but we have nothing in common really so our conversations are very simplistic.

I have never been bored talking to Matt, and our conversations in person, and via text, have never been forced.  They are usually comical but he has also been a sounding board late at night when the rest of the world is asleep and I am sad.  I like that he is nice to me, but also teases me to the point of almost being an asshole, it keeps it from being serious.

However, upon spending time with him, he is also lousy in the sack and smacks his lips so bad when he eats. I have never heard something so barbaric.  I actually contemplated taking his plate of food from him so I could hit him with it.  I know  it seems like a silly thing to be hostile about, but it is that bad.  My mother would have smacked the shit out of me if I dared make that kind of noise eating.  I saw him twice this week. Great kisser.  This really got my hopes up, because let me tell you, if you could see this guy's body paired with being a fabulous kisser... I thought I could overlook the lip smacking.

He took off his shirt and he was also all sweaty so his hair got all curly and messy, I was pulled right into the moment.  We seriously were just watching football, then listening to music.  Then there was the kissing.  It was like 3 AM.  I had no intention of letting it go that far anyways... then it was over. It took less than 30 seconds.  No joke.  I chalked it up to too much making out and the late hour.  But then it happened the second time too.  He also, prior to the second time, and having only hung out once in private, took a shower at my house after work. The shower I approved, but he then decided that it was socially acceptable to just strip down in front of me while I was showing him where to find the towels.  I mean one minute I was awkwardly showing his where to find the things he would need, and the next he was completely naked.  Way too comfortable which made me very uncomfortable.

I still gave him a shot after the weird random nakedness.  That was failed attempt, after great kissing, number two.  He was really sweet though.  He seems to know I am not too interested in anything more than company, he laid next to me, and ran his fingers gently on my back until I fell asleep.  We still have been talking, but thankfully not about anything serious.

Then there is my husband, Jim.  He isn't doing too great.  He came over tonight and we talked.  He is trying to understand what's going on with me, but I can't ever put it into words for him.  I told him he was like ringing in my ears.  I didn't intend it to sound mean, but it did.  The last few months what started as loneliness, then grew into discontentment, and then insanity was like that obnoxious ringing in your ears that sometimes you get and you don't notice it really at first, but then when it stops the silence makes you aware that it had been there all along.

This week, although obviously full of poor choices, has been silent.  The ringing, the pressure, it was gone.  I am free.  I am on auto pilot still, but tonight is the first night of actual literal silence since Jim left. I am starting to feel it.  Sounds shitty, I obviously was sad as he packed, and I cried that day, but since then I have been sort of numb to it.  I assumed it was the meds I am on.  Or maybe I am a heartless bitch.  I don't think so though, because I don't want to hurt him, which is why I had to make him go.

Tonight I am starting to feel the loneliness that I feared.  I want to feel it though.  I could reach out and fill it, there is no doubt in my mind about that now, but tonight is the first night that I haven't heard from anyone else that would help distract me from the truth of my situation.  I think that the absence of company of any kind is a good thing.  I mean I hate it, obviously, and I am partially drunk, but it is quiet.  The ringing is gone, no new cuts or bruises, safe and sound in my own bed, and in all of my own clothes.  It might just be the best night this week.