She finally convinced me to come to dinner. If I had it my way she wouldn't know anything about my life currently, until I knew for sure what was happening that is, but my dumb ass husband called and ratted me out after he moved out. Who does that...
Anyways, she has been worried blahh. blahhh, blahhhh. So I finally went over there to show her that I am fine. More than fine. I am a well adjusted member of society who just happens to be too busy to answer all the texts and phone calls that she keeps bombarding me with. Perfect parting gift from Jim... sicking my mother on me. Clever.
The first hour, we just didn't address it. I told her all about how work and student teaching was going, and she updated me on her health. (Cancer life. Health is always a conversation piece.)
Then she says, "I am not trying to not talk about it but I figured if you wanted to talk about it you would bring it up... so I wont bring it up...."
Uhhh, thanks ma. Clearly you just brought it up. So we went into it.
Ultimately I told her about my life as of late. I hinted at my indiscretion with my marriage. I refer to it singularly because I am referring to the mindset of it all... not the acts themselves, and while talking to your mother you don't exactly want to spell out that you have been pretty slutty lately.... But I pretty much skirted around it. She of course she then gave me some 'words of advice.'
"Make the choice that will make you happy in the long run. Not just what makes you happy now."
I looked at her blankly and then narrowed my eyes at her. She hesitated, then continued, "I am certainly not saying that Jim is it, I just don't want you to have regrets later on."
My answer was simple.
Neither do I. Which is why I think he and I can't work. I will regret not living my life.
I have to get out of this two star town. I need new people, new opportunities, a fresh start. And wine.
On a side note-
I have refrained from calling Nick. I have successfully avoided him in class and I am slowly deleting that mess from my conscious thoughts... Mostly. I have had a few close moments of weakness, but I have refrained. Like I said, he is the bad thing I do to myself when I feel low. And for the record, I got a closer look at the girl he apparently chose over me, all I have to say is she must have a great personality or something. I mean you wouldn't know it from looking at her, she looks miserable and bitchy, and I am not just saying that because I am not supposed to like her by default either. I just don't get it.
My neighbor was a sweetheart and plowed out my driveway yesterday, I thanked him and went on with my day. So did he. Case closed?
Matt. I have been keeping him at a safe distance. It is smart to do so. Nothing good can come from getting closer for either of us. He is too young. Not age wise, I mean he is younger than me, but not much, but he is just... not there yet... I don't know how to explain it.
I see him on occasion, and we talk daily, but he already has his ticket out of this place. He has been working on getting into a masters program on the opposite side of the country. He jokes that I should come with him. He has been studying for weeks for the admissions test. Today he passed. Which is good. One less complication ultimately. Like I said, nothing good can come of this for either of us.
Who knows. What I feel about people changes daily. Sometimes I wake up feeling one way about someone and by the end of the day I am feeling the exact opposite. For example, I am currently thinking about sending a text to someone bad for me just because I am bored and lonely. Great logic.
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