The Throbbing

Have I hit rock bottom yet?

Every time I think that I most definitely have too be there, the hits just keep on coming and I slip further down.

I thought of a metaphor that I can use to describe my life right now.  I'm thinking of my life as my left knee.  Seems a little strange I know, but bear with me. 

My left knee has began protesting my affection for running in the form of excessive swelling.  It hurts a little, but is mostly just stiff and swollen.  I didn't do anything differently to hurt my knee, it just all of a sudden began to look like something was wrong.  Much like my sudden discontentment with my life.  The knee, well it didn't hurt, so I just kept doing my thing.  Life goes on.  One foot in front of the other, mile after mile, day after day, until my lungs would feel like bursting.  While my heart is working hard to support the strain I am putting on it, I feel alive.  Much like my little misadventures as of late.

The stiffness increased with time, as did the size.  People start to notice, but you push on through, you push them aside.  What do they know anyways.

I even tried to care for it at the suggestion of others.  Both metaphorically and literally.  Ice it here and there, take a little break, but ultimately the swelling persisted and I craved the racing heart, the dripping sweat, and the high.  So again, I beat the shit out of it and then deal with the consequences later.

How long before I just blow the bugger out?  How much longer can I live with this constant mayhem that has become my life?

This evening, my husband told me I had to let him back into the house.  That I had to choose him tonight or he would be making my life hell with lawyers come tomorrow morning.  I don't do well cornered and I sure as hell don't like ultimatums.  I clenched my teeth and stared at him.  He wanted a rise out of me. He was baiting me.  Fuck it.  I wouldn't give it to him.  He looked wild eyed for a few moments and then he just broke down and cried.  He tossed my keys on the counter, the keys he had stolen moments before to prove to me that he could come and go as he pleased, and just wept.  Had he not just spent the previous ten minutes saying hateful things I would have went to him.  I always go to him when he is hurting.  I stood there and tried to sooth the raging beast within me.  I grew up with a man who pushed me around, physically and emotionally, so I certainly know this much about myself, I over react slightly when I feel threatened.  He stopped crying and again reiterated everything he said before.  This time I walked away from him.  I began to pick up some of the tissues on the table, bad combination of being sick and crying... I produce a lot of tissue waste.  He said he was leaving.  I heard him shuffling near the door and the sounds of him leaving.

I walk into the kitchen and slump onto the floor against the base of my pantry door.  I pull the knee that can bend into my chest and rest my head on it.  I cry, the hardest I have cried since my grandfather died.  The kind that shakes your whole body.  It was quiet but violent.  It was the first time since this all started that I didn't feel like a robot.  I don't hear anything, and my hair is sticking to my face.  I gasp for air, being sick, I began to cough.  I feel a hand on my shoulder.  The mother fucker didn't leave, and now he is trying to be affectionate.  I tense up.  He tries pulling my body into him.  He somehow is on the floor next to me.  I fight back and stand up.  Still unable to get air into my lungs I cough and try to blow my nose.  My god damn hair is everywhere.

I am not weak and he will not see me this way.  I wipe my face first with a tissue then with my sleeve.  I looked him dead in the eye, set my jaw, cleared my throat, took in two deep breaths then said, "Do what you have to do, but get away from me."

He left.  It's been quiet for about an hour.  The knee is throbbing.  All I want to do is go for a run, but it is a little too cold and I am afraid of running in the dark a bit.  Mostly because no one would notice for a while if I didn't make it back.

So yeah, looking forward to some divorce paperwork soon.  Note the sarcasm.  Rock bottom yet?