Little Talks

I'm glad I showed my friend the texts over the last few months, I am glad he heard that last phone call.  It helps reassure me that I am sane and that I did not make it all up in my head.  Had there not been a witness to it, I would almost doubt that it had ever happened at all based on my apparent sudden insignificance now.



I told my friend tonight that it feels like I am trapped in a self destructive loop.  I am so tired of the same shit over and over again, but I cannot escape it, nor can I shake the ache that comes along with it. My brain keeps replaying the last time I saw him over and over again, what happened, and what did I miss?  How can I even care about this man?  He has caused me nothing but pain since I have met him excluding maybe the first few weeks of him manipulating me into thinking he was something that he is certainly not.  He has said time and time again, "I'm sorry, I am not perfect." My response has always been, "I don't want perfect, I want real."  He is a fucking fake.



I opened up a bottle of wine, (surprise surprise right?) and decided to listen to a song that has been stuck in my head the last few days.



"I don't like walking around this old and empty house

So hold my hand, I'll walk with you, my dear" -It's not the empty house that is getting to me tonight.



"The stairs creak as I sleep, it's keeping me awake

It's the house telling you to close your eyes" -God I wish I could sleep... I can't even close my eyes.



'Cause though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore -What is the truth anymore?  I have lost track.

"There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back

Well tell her that I miss our little talks -More than anything right now.

Soon it will be over and buried with our past

We used to play outside when we were young

And full of life and full of love." 

 -I would slaughter this little voice if given the opportunity.  I would stab the shit it of it, bury it deep in the earth, and then destroy all evidence that it ever existed.  

I don't just miss the little talks, I crave them, they seem made up.  Fake.  A figment of my imagination.  I can talk to a lot of people, even about the mess I am in, but the way he made me feel was something unique.  He got it.  He has been where I am.  

"You're gone, gone, gone away

I watched you disappear  -Wish I knew that's what it was when it was happening.

All that's left is the ghost of you. -Fucking haunted.

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,

There's nothing we can do

Just let me go we'll meet again soon

Now wait, wait, wait for me

Please hang around

I'll see you when I fall asleep" -Did I mention I wish I could sleep?

"Hey!

Don't listen to a word I say

Hey!

The screams all sound the same

Hey!

Though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore"

It sounds like a stupid sad sappy song, but it actually is really good and surprisingly upbeat. Listen to it.  

It's not just him.  I am not the kind of girl who falls apart over a guy.  Even if the guy did make quite an impression... and then just disappear with no explanation and then a few days later flaunt his new girl literally in front of my face in a scenario where I am trapped in the same room with them for hours on end... I digress. 

My cousin called me tonight and asked me to move to Florida with her.  I told her yes.  I meant it.  I told her I had to graduate first.  I am that serious about needing a new life.