A lot can happen in 72 hours for not a lot to actually change...

It is Monday morning.

This is the first time that my mind has been calm enough and my body still enough to sit and write about the hell that has been my weekend.

It has been a weekend of revelations.

I learned something crucial about myself in the last 76 hours.  I am a coward.  A certifiable chickenshit.  It confirmed a few of the other shitty things about myself that I had always assumed as well.

I learned a thing or two about my husband.  He is stronger than me and a bigger person as well.  Not physically on the bigger person part, but in terms of how he chooses to handle things.  He is just as stubborn as I am and is willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage.  With one exception, I cannot tell him the whole truth, he already told me there would be blood shed.

I learned who my real friends are.  Seems cliche but when you are at your lowest a few people stand out to you that you don't mind sharing your heartache and humiliation with when you know others would rip you apart.

Friday night:

"Come see me, come see me, come see me." No.

I was staying at home giving my husband a chance.  He actually planned a movie night for us and bought me flowers.  Not the over-the-top fancy flowers, because he knows I hate them, and think that they are a waste of money, but a little batch of daisies.  He wasn't showy about it, just had them on the kitchen table for when I got home from work.

My phone continued to vibrate throughout our movie, but I ignored it's pleas for attention.  We were watching a movie with a sequel so we decided to watch the second one in bed since he had to be up early.  I just needed to move because I was antsy as fuck.  The combination of sitting still for that long with mixed emotions and knowing my other guy was out there thinking about me for once had me reeling.  We went to bed.

Instantly my husband was all over me.  Let me be blunt about something.  I have not been sleeping with multiple men at the same time.  My husband's advances have been politely shut down over the last two months and this night was to be no different, except since he had "made an effort" he seemed to think he was definitely getting some.  Which angered me, no one is entitled to me or my body.  If I say no, I mean it, when he kept pushing it I threw his hands off of me and looked at him fiercely I probably would have punched him in the throat if he tried pushing me again, I was that pissed.  He rolled over and didn't say another word.  Yeah I know, I am a bitch.  I just don't know how I feel about him, or our marriage anymore, and not only do I not want to send him mixed signals, I just don't want him to touch me.

So I checked my phone, quieted down my drunken guy, and drifted off into a troubled sleep.

Saturday Morning:

A friend messaged me about going to breakfast so I agreed to meet her.  I left before my husband got back from work so that I wouldn't have to deal with him, or his pouty disposition.  Nothing pisses me off more than a grown man pouting.

My friend and I talked for hours.  She tried helping me come up with a solution for this horrible mess I have created for myself.  We agreed on a few things.  Drunken side guy has to go.  He is no good for me, and will only bring me down.  We agreed that I needed to talk to my husband and get the ball moving on the next phase of my life.  Separation.  We decided on a rule.... no dying.... which meant I don't tell my hot headed husband about the other guy.

So I went home, and found my husband playing video games.  His friend had asked us to meet them for dinner that night and we would be going.  I lost my courage and decided that I best wait to have the conversation after that.

The Calm part of Saturday Night:
We went to dinner all was fine.  He asked me to go see a movie with him and I politely declined and just told him I was tired.  We went home, I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and crawled into bed with  movie on.   It had been hours since my phone had made any noises so I assumed my other guy had given up on me or was too drunk somewhere to text.  I drifted off to sleep with my husbands back to me, his snores slightly drowning out the volume from the television, and the movie lighting up the bedroom faintly.

Where all hell breaks loose:

I woke with a start.  This happens a lot.  I take sleeping pills to supposedly make this stop but my brain refuses to behave.  I am a little disoriented.  The title menu is still on from the movie I was watching, so I get up and turn off the TV since in my confusion I cannot find the remote.  I found my phone though.  13 new texts, 2 missed calls, and one voice-mail.  All from him.  What the hell.

I go into the bathroom and begin to sift through the texts as another call comes through.  I hit decline. He fires off another text.  I finally answer "Stop drunk texting me."  He responded that he stayed sober so he could see me.  That he needed to see me blah, blah, blah.  I washed my face to clear some of the grogginess and the texts continued to pour in.  I realize I am wide awake and that I most likely will not be able to fall back asleep at this point anyways, so what the hell.  (This is the part where you can pause and say "dumbass")  I tried waking my husband to tell him I was going out but he was out.  So I left a note telling him I was going to see a friend.  Mistake number one right there. I usually don't lie, I am usually just vague.  Well I was specific.

I go see him.  He had been honest.  He was as sober as I have ever seen him anyways and he had a friend there.  We played some XBOX until his friend fell asleep then we went upstairs.  We actually talked.  He told me how much he cared about me.  When I didn't answer him, he inquired as to why.  I told him that he and I had already had this conversation once, and that he just doesn't remember having it.  He was silent for a moment and then kissed me gently.  He said more as a statement than a question, "you don't believe me then..."  I told him I didn't doubt that he had feelings for me, but that he is so messed up, so much of the time, that he doesn't always feel the same way.  He kissed me again and I gently pulled away so I could continue talking, but he interrupted me.  "If you were just mine, things would be different, totally different. I seriously love everything about you."  Then he tacked on this little tidbit about promising him I believed him.  I hate promises.  And that was my response to him, he said it was a little promise, so I said that I promised that I didn't NOT believe him.  He playfully glared at me and pulled me in close.  The time that followed was different than usual, still very good, just not aggressive.  He held me for a few minutes and then I told him I wanted to go play some more XBOX.  As we were getting dressed my phone rang.

It was my husband.  I sent him a text back that everything was fine and that I would be home soon.  I knew that if he was awake, that this time things were going to be different.  I sat there for a moment and my phone stayed quiet.  It was another 30 minutes before he called again, and again, and again.  I answered.

"Where are you."  I lied.
"I know your not, so where are you."  I will be home.  See you there.

My guy offered to come with me.  You could tell he was worried about my safety in that particular moment.  With a smile and a hug, I told him that I would be fine, but if I went missing to tip off the police.  He told me the door would be unlocked, and that if I called he would be there in moments to get me if I needed it.  I again told him I would be fine, and that this is something that had to happen anyways, just I would have rather not had it be 3 AM and under these circumstances.

I beat him home.  I sat and waited.  I was surprisingly calm.  I sat at our kitchen table and waited.  He finally came through the door and sat down opposite from me.  I could see him tugging at his ring the same way I do when I am anxious.  I see a wild look in his eye that I recognized as the look my step dad used to get before he would fly off the handle.  This is where the chickenshit part of me kicks in.

I was talking before I even thought about it.  "It isn't as bad as it looks.  I lied about where I was but literally when you called I was playing XBOX."  -A lie technically.

He said something along the lines of good because I would have killed you both... so I decided that my lie was for the best.  He began to get huffy about the lie and I quietly said, "Now you know how it feels."  One little thing about our relationship, he is a liar, big or small, if he thinks he doesn't have to tell me because he could get away with it, he lies.  It stopped that line of accusation dead in its tracks.  
4:00 AM
I told him how this conversation was a long time coming.  I told him about how unhappy I am and how I don't know what to do to fix it.  He set his ring on the table and said he had to go to work and that after work he would be by to get some of his stuff.

Sunday 10:05:
True to his word he came back after work.  He looked at me long and hard.  I had spent the last five hours balling my eyes out so I looked a mess I am sure.   He sat down next to me and asked me what I wanted.  I didn't have an answer for him.  He asked if he should leave.  I shrugged.  He asked if he could stay.  I shrugged.  In retrospect my brain was so frazzled at this point I am sort of glad I didn't answer.  He let me rest my head on his shoulder and I just cried.  We fell asleep.  Hours later I wake up and he is already awake tracing my wedding band with his fingers.  What do we do?  Again with that question.  I DONT KNOW!!!

Round and round we went.  Can you be a wife again and just be happy with me?  -I don't know.
Should I just leave? -I don't know.
Can you keep living like this? -No

Round and round.  I was still on the couch and I kept slowly slinking further and further into it.  I fell asleep again.  This time I slept for hours.  It was dark when I woke up.  I realizes it had been over 12 hours since I sat there, and that I hadn't eaten, had anything to drink, or taken my meds for the day.

"So?" he asked.

Yeah I still don't know.  My head spinning I sit up.  He handed me water and a bowl of chicken.  Apparently he too was aware I hadn't been taking care of myself.  He had his ring back on.  Well shit.  Football was playing and I ate my chicken then laid back down.   It then dawned on me.  How many hours had passed and where is my phone.  Digging around I found it.  Messages from everyone but him.  Seriously?  He knew I was going home to a hell he helped me create and nothing?  Whatever.

I went back to sleep with the sounds of the Packers fighting the Cowboys.  I woke up and my husband was playing with my hair.  I glanced at my phone and then went back to sleep.  Apparently the Cowboys lost and he was now watching the other game.  I finally sit up and go brush my teeth.  As I was at the sink I glance at facebook where I see a picture of my guy and his 'best friend' (A really pretty blond chick who I don't know) with a caption. "Off to see elvis"  I don't know what that means nor did I plan on finding out.  Clean mouth I reassumed my position on the couch.  I slept some more.

It wasn't until 9:37 that I got a text that said, and I quote, "Umm you okay?"

I thought I might throw up I was so mad.  I went and decided to shower.  My husband followed me upstairs.  I said, a little too hostile, "What??"  He said he was just making sure I was okay.  Yes I am fine.  A girl needs to shower.  I shut the door and cried.  My phone went off again.  I was ready to loose it.  Fortunately it was one of my newer friends.  He said he was having a bad day, so I asked why.  He asked about mine and I told him.  For the first time that day I felt calmer.  I showered and crawled into bed.  I thanked him for listening, he said that is what friends are for and not to be embarrassed that we all fuck up our lives one time or another.

My husband crawled in next to me. He started to squeeze me.  He saw the look of panic and confusion and asked, "did we not agree to work on this?"  

Did we?  Fuck.

So that is where I am at.

Monday Morning:
I feel like I am going to throw up.  I should have just let him walk out the door and dealt with the pain of it.  Then it would be over right now.  I would be mourning the loss of my marriage not resenting and hating myself for being fucked up and weak.