Taking inventory

Impulsive and antsy, I need constant movement.  Both literally and emotionally, I seek change.  

I move the rooms around in my house, I reorder and reorganize everything from top to bottom, I change my hair as often as I change my mind, I run compulsively, and obsessively work to perfect my body, I crave the excitement and uncertainty from meeting new people, and I follow few rules in the process.  

I have deep roots planted, but I wish I was in the position to pick up and have new adventures, someplace new, with new people.  I fantasize about digging up all the things that keep me here, tossing them aside to just float off, I really want to see if I could do it.     

Life gets so complicated, confusing, and twisted.  Sometimes it helps to step back and look at all the things you have going on for you when your feeling down.  Or so I am told.  I am not even feeling down right now really, the new medication has me feeling less pessimistic, but I still feel like something major is missing.  I am just not sure what it is, so let's take a look.  

Positives:

• One husband: Patient, kind, but completely oblivious.  I wish he could still make me laugh the way he used to.  He used to be funny.  He used to be my entire world.  I love him, but he feels more like a chain around my ankle; both keeping me safe and grounded, but also trapping me in a life that I may not want anymore.

• Three dogs: I have the coolest pups ever, they are quite possibly my favorite things in the world.  

• One Bird:  Colorful, quirky, angry and temperamental... just like me. 

• A loving family.  Selfish, dramatic, and stress causing, but a family none-the-less.

• All my basic needs are not only met but some are over indulged.  I'm fortunate.  I love my home, I bought it before I met my husband and I have molded it to reflect my tastes.  It is my safe haven. I have a nice car and I everything else that I physically need to live by.

• I will have my degree for Early Childhood and Special Education in about four months.  It took five years and I am so ready to have it!  I deserve it!

• I am in the best shape I have ever been in and I continue to improve daily.

• I have a fun job, with a great co-worker, whom I confide in daily, and who knows all my little secrets...

• I have never had better friends than I do now. I have always had a lot of friends.  But it has always been a quantity versus quality kind of thing.  I haven't ever really been an open person, so to have several people now that I trust and care about is a huge development over the last year. I have been making some new friends too.... but that is where I start to get into trouble...   

Less Positive but present none-the-less:

• One  mischievous neighbor:  Attractive and entertaining, I still love hearing from him.  Gotta love those flirtatious conversations and the attack of the butterflies that go along with them.  He has known me long enough to except my mood swings and just takes me at face value.  No emotions, just fun.  Let's hope I can keep him on his side of the street this year though.    

• One pill-popping, weed smoking, alcoholic:  I hopefully will never see or hear from this guy again. I wish the best for him, but I cannot handle the emotional roller coaster that comes along with knowing him anymore.  It has been four days since I have seen or heard from him.  Four days doesn't seen like a long time, but it has felt like an eternity.  The quiet has been both painful and like a breath of fresh clean air at the same time.  That is one path I plan to not go down ever again, not this year or any other.  This guy can and will destroy me if I allow it.  

So how do I plan on playing it this year? 

-Loose and reckless as I have been?  Full of new adventures, secrets, excitement, dramatic highs and dreadful lows, or can I find a way to just be content again?