Make Up Your Mind Dammit!

My greatest fear is to be alone.

Not like physically.  I actually like solitude.  Especially after a day of working with some of the children I work with during the day. When I get home all I want is silence... well some days I want large quantities of wine.  Or sex. Well hey, the combination of them usually chills me out pretty good actually.

Anyways, I don't like to feel alone.  Too many years of that growing up lonely I guess.

Now I have created this very complicated scenario for myself where I need to choose.  Which version of not alone do I want?

My husband has said exactly what I needed him to say.
"I am not going to push you, because you will push back, and then your gone for sure."

He hugged me today and told me to let him know if I need more space, and how I want that space. He offered to leave.  I didn't say much, just sat there drinking my coffee.  We have comfortable silences and we are both aware that me not answering isn't a bad thing, I am just thinking.  He is still my best friend, a man I love, and a good person, he just doesn't know all of me anymore.

Possible Reality One: My Husband
With him I have a clear, safe and comfortable, planned future.  Together we are financially secure, we can have children, we have plans.  Our plans match up.  He is kind and gentle, and I can play the role of a good wife.  But that is just the thing.  I feel like I am 'playing a role'.  Like I tried it on, played around with it for a while, but now I don't want to do it anymore.  In this world I don't have to worry but my adventures are over.

Possibility Number Two:  Let Myself Be Free!
Taking huge steps back in life, getting room mates again, working multiple jobs to pay the bills, but I am free to do what I want with who I want.  Despite my non-stop insistence that I was done with the-boy-who-shall-not-be-named (borderline Voldemort Harry Potter reference because parts of him are in fact that evil) I am not.  I have refused to see him, but he has been making efforts to talk to me, and to be soberish and nice during the conversations.  He actually has been very sweet.  He must have picked up on the fact that I was done with his sorry self.  There is also my Michael C. Hall look-alike guy who I was certain would just fade away after meeting him.  He is actually a really decent guy.  Smarter than me, makes me laugh, and don't get me started on his body.  I was willing to change my gym time just so he would talk to me and I could check him out on a daily basis.  This would be creepy if I in anyway hid it, but that isn't my style.  He looks awesome so I told him.  Then he gave me his number.  So yeah, there are some adventures still to be had if I just go for it.  I know one thing for sure, if I go down this road, it is going to be hard.  It will be heartbreaking and a struggle, but is it worth it?

So what do you do?  Safe, secure, loyal, and loved.  Or fun free uncertainty, but adventures (and free to look at the pretty boys in the gym?)

I do know this, I cannot keep doing both! ....pun intended?