The Elephant in the Room

My mother.  

She finally convinced me to come to dinner.  If I had it my way she wouldn't know anything about my life currently, until I knew for sure what was happening that is, but my dumb ass husband called and ratted me out after he moved out.  Who does that... 

Anyways, she has been worried blahh. blahhh, blahhhh.  So I finally went over there to show her that I am fine.  More than fine.  I am a well adjusted member of society who just happens to be too busy to answer all the texts and phone calls that she keeps bombarding me with. Perfect parting gift from Jim... sicking my mother on me.  Clever.  

The first hour, we just didn't address it.  I told her all about how work and student teaching was going, and she updated me on her health.  (Cancer life.  Health is always a conversation piece.)

Then she says, "I am not trying to not talk about it but I figured if you wanted to talk about it you would bring it up... so I wont bring it up...." 

Uhhh, thanks ma.  Clearly you just brought it up.  So we went into it. 

Ultimately I told her about my life as of late.  I hinted at my indiscretion with my marriage.  I refer to it singularly because I am referring to the mindset of it all... not the acts themselves, and while talking to your mother you don't exactly want to spell out that you have been pretty slutty lately....  But I pretty much skirted around it.  She of course she then gave me some 'words of advice.'

"Make the choice that will make you happy in the long run.  Not just what makes you happy now."  

I looked at her blankly and then narrowed my eyes at her.  She hesitated, then continued, "I am certainly not saying that Jim is it, I just don't want you to have regrets later on."

My answer was simple.  

Neither do I.  Which is why I think he and I can't work.  I will regret not living my life. 

I have to get out of this two star town.  I need new people, new opportunities, a fresh start.  And wine. 

On a side note-  

I have refrained from calling Nick.  I have successfully avoided him in class and I am slowly deleting that mess from my conscious thoughts... Mostly.  I have had a few close moments of weakness, but I have refrained.  Like I said, he is the bad thing I do to myself when I feel low.  And for the record, I got a closer look at the girl he apparently chose over me, all I have to say is she must have a great personality or something.  I mean you wouldn't know it from looking at her, she looks miserable and bitchy, and I am not just saying that because I am not supposed to like her by default either.  I just don't get it.  

My neighbor was a sweetheart and plowed out my driveway yesterday, I thanked him and went on with my day.  So did he.  Case closed?  

Matt.  I have been keeping him at a safe distance.  It is smart to do so.  Nothing good can come from getting closer for either of us.  He is too young.  Not age wise, I mean he is younger than me, but not much, but he is just... not there yet... I don't know how to explain it.  

I see him on occasion, and we talk daily, but he already has his ticket out of this place.  He has been working on getting into a masters program on the opposite side of the country.  He jokes that I should come with him.  He has been studying for weeks for the admissions test. Today he passed.  Which is good.  One less complication ultimately.  Like I said, nothing good can come of this for either of us.  

Who knows.  What I feel about people changes daily.  Sometimes I wake up feeling one way about someone and by the end of the day I am feeling the exact opposite.  For example, I am currently thinking about sending a text to someone bad for me just because I am bored and lonely.  Great logic.

 

The Throbbing

Have I hit rock bottom yet?

Every time I think that I most definitely have too be there, the hits just keep on coming and I slip further down.

I thought of a metaphor that I can use to describe my life right now.  I'm thinking of my life as my left knee.  Seems a little strange I know, but bear with me. 

My left knee has began protesting my affection for running in the form of excessive swelling.  It hurts a little, but is mostly just stiff and swollen.  I didn't do anything differently to hurt my knee, it just all of a sudden began to look like something was wrong.  Much like my sudden discontentment with my life.  The knee, well it didn't hurt, so I just kept doing my thing.  Life goes on.  One foot in front of the other, mile after mile, day after day, until my lungs would feel like bursting.  While my heart is working hard to support the strain I am putting on it, I feel alive.  Much like my little misadventures as of late.

The stiffness increased with time, as did the size.  People start to notice, but you push on through, you push them aside.  What do they know anyways.

I even tried to care for it at the suggestion of others.  Both metaphorically and literally.  Ice it here and there, take a little break, but ultimately the swelling persisted and I craved the racing heart, the dripping sweat, and the high.  So again, I beat the shit out of it and then deal with the consequences later.

How long before I just blow the bugger out?  How much longer can I live with this constant mayhem that has become my life?

This evening, my husband told me I had to let him back into the house.  That I had to choose him tonight or he would be making my life hell with lawyers come tomorrow morning.  I don't do well cornered and I sure as hell don't like ultimatums.  I clenched my teeth and stared at him.  He wanted a rise out of me. He was baiting me.  Fuck it.  I wouldn't give it to him.  He looked wild eyed for a few moments and then he just broke down and cried.  He tossed my keys on the counter, the keys he had stolen moments before to prove to me that he could come and go as he pleased, and just wept.  Had he not just spent the previous ten minutes saying hateful things I would have went to him.  I always go to him when he is hurting.  I stood there and tried to sooth the raging beast within me.  I grew up with a man who pushed me around, physically and emotionally, so I certainly know this much about myself, I over react slightly when I feel threatened.  He stopped crying and again reiterated everything he said before.  This time I walked away from him.  I began to pick up some of the tissues on the table, bad combination of being sick and crying... I produce a lot of tissue waste.  He said he was leaving.  I heard him shuffling near the door and the sounds of him leaving.

I walk into the kitchen and slump onto the floor against the base of my pantry door.  I pull the knee that can bend into my chest and rest my head on it.  I cry, the hardest I have cried since my grandfather died.  The kind that shakes your whole body.  It was quiet but violent.  It was the first time since this all started that I didn't feel like a robot.  I don't hear anything, and my hair is sticking to my face.  I gasp for air, being sick, I began to cough.  I feel a hand on my shoulder.  The mother fucker didn't leave, and now he is trying to be affectionate.  I tense up.  He tries pulling my body into him.  He somehow is on the floor next to me.  I fight back and stand up.  Still unable to get air into my lungs I cough and try to blow my nose.  My god damn hair is everywhere.

I am not weak and he will not see me this way.  I wipe my face first with a tissue then with my sleeve.  I looked him dead in the eye, set my jaw, cleared my throat, took in two deep breaths then said, "Do what you have to do, but get away from me."

He left.  It's been quiet for about an hour.  The knee is throbbing.  All I want to do is go for a run, but it is a little too cold and I am afraid of running in the dark a bit.  Mostly because no one would notice for a while if I didn't make it back.

So yeah, looking forward to some divorce paperwork soon.  Note the sarcasm.  Rock bottom yet?

It is what it is and it was what it was.

You wouldn't know it based on these little ramblings, but I used to be the fun girl, not the sad girl.

Queen of shenanigans, sarcasm, and sincerity.  Energetic and goofy, always finding reasons to laugh and make others laugh with me.  Singing made up songs while creating fascinating dance moves wouldn't have been out of the ordinary, running for the fun of it rather than the obsession with the way it numbs my mind.  I used to enjoy everything that I did.  Even the less desirable things, I could find some way to make them fun.  That was just how I did it.

Somewhere I lost her.  She either slipped away slowly, or maybe just one day she was gone.  She left me.  As soon as I realized that void I longed to feel that way again.  I have been searching for her ever since.

I think that is what all of these little escapades have really been about.  Finding that girl.  I mean I undeniably got twisted up in them, I lost myself more in the process. They became something so much bigger to me. New emotions came into play, but while exploring and having new people get to know me, I could almost convince them that I was still that girl, because they never knew how much better the old version was in comparison.

I will never forget the look on his face the first time he realized I was definitely a little, for lack of a better word, off.  It had to do with my aversion to coffee lids, he stopped and just stared at me for a moment.  I narrowed my eyes playfully at him and said, 'what now??'  He laughed and told me that I 'was something else.'  I cocked my head to the side and said with a slightly sarcastic tone 'well what else could I be?....and is that a good thing or a bad thing, because I am afraid I am what I am.'  He looked at me for a moment and just shook his head and smiled.  'Definitely a good thing.'

I thought maybe I had found her again in those weeks.  Someone drew her back out, maybe she didn't leave me, maybe she was just somewhere in the background, waiting for me to come looking for her.  He described me the way I used to see myself before the darkness crept in.  I think that is what drew me to him.  There was also the fact that he recognized this other part of myself that I have been wrestling with as of late.  He was okay with both versions of me.

I think that is the answer to the infamous question of, "why on earth do you even care about that creep?"  I have put a lot of thought into that question, because the sane rational side of myself, which believe it or not is the dominant part of me, knows how messed up it is to even have given him the time of day.  Let alone such a huge chunk of myself.

I have come to the conclusion that ultimately,
It is what it is and it was what it was.
I'm over the past.  Fuck it.  Fuck him.
My life is happening around me.  Now.  Whichever version of me that I am today, has to face it.
I am going to fucking own it because it is mine.

Little Talks

I'm glad I showed my friend the texts over the last few months, I am glad he heard that last phone call.  It helps reassure me that I am sane and that I did not make it all up in my head.  Had there not been a witness to it, I would almost doubt that it had ever happened at all based on my apparent sudden insignificance now.



I told my friend tonight that it feels like I am trapped in a self destructive loop.  I am so tired of the same shit over and over again, but I cannot escape it, nor can I shake the ache that comes along with it. My brain keeps replaying the last time I saw him over and over again, what happened, and what did I miss?  How can I even care about this man?  He has caused me nothing but pain since I have met him excluding maybe the first few weeks of him manipulating me into thinking he was something that he is certainly not.  He has said time and time again, "I'm sorry, I am not perfect." My response has always been, "I don't want perfect, I want real."  He is a fucking fake.



I opened up a bottle of wine, (surprise surprise right?) and decided to listen to a song that has been stuck in my head the last few days.



"I don't like walking around this old and empty house

So hold my hand, I'll walk with you, my dear" -It's not the empty house that is getting to me tonight.



"The stairs creak as I sleep, it's keeping me awake

It's the house telling you to close your eyes" -God I wish I could sleep... I can't even close my eyes.



'Cause though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore -What is the truth anymore?  I have lost track.

"There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back

Well tell her that I miss our little talks -More than anything right now.

Soon it will be over and buried with our past

We used to play outside when we were young

And full of life and full of love." 

 -I would slaughter this little voice if given the opportunity.  I would stab the shit it of it, bury it deep in the earth, and then destroy all evidence that it ever existed.  

I don't just miss the little talks, I crave them, they seem made up.  Fake.  A figment of my imagination.  I can talk to a lot of people, even about the mess I am in, but the way he made me feel was something unique.  He got it.  He has been where I am.  

"You're gone, gone, gone away

I watched you disappear  -Wish I knew that's what it was when it was happening.

All that's left is the ghost of you. -Fucking haunted.

Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,

There's nothing we can do

Just let me go we'll meet again soon

Now wait, wait, wait for me

Please hang around

I'll see you when I fall asleep" -Did I mention I wish I could sleep?

"Hey!

Don't listen to a word I say

Hey!

The screams all sound the same

Hey!

Though the truth may vary

This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore"

It sounds like a stupid sad sappy song, but it actually is really good and surprisingly upbeat. Listen to it.  

It's not just him.  I am not the kind of girl who falls apart over a guy.  Even if the guy did make quite an impression... and then just disappear with no explanation and then a few days later flaunt his new girl literally in front of my face in a scenario where I am trapped in the same room with them for hours on end... I digress. 

My cousin called me tonight and asked me to move to Florida with her.  I told her yes.  I meant it.  I told her I had to graduate first.  I am that serious about needing a new life.  

Karma is a bitch and that dude is an asshole.

"I'm sorry."  Two little words.  Two evil, manipulative, heart clenching words.  I'm so tired of hearing them!

For which part I asked him in response.  

"Just the losing my temper part.  I just don't understand how you could not know that I care about you after everything."  Nick shows very little actual emotion these days so this is about as good as it gets. I was not in the mood.  I also had nothing to say to this.  I needed to get back to work.  So that's what I did.  It was a Friday and I was eager to get out of there. Plus I didn't want my coworker to see that I was still giving Nick the time of day...  

Closing up my classroom with my coworker, my cellphone rang.

"Babe, what are you doing right now?" At the sound of his voice I instantly smile.  Ick.

Instantly I was a stupid giddy girl who forgot she was holding a grudge.  He had pretty much ignored me since he finally was allowed to be with me.  He begged me to split from my husband because that would change everything, then he pretty much went MIA.  Dickhead move.  Then he got snippy with me when I simply asked him about it.  (That is what the apology was for, he had yelled at me about it and I didn't talk to him for another two days after as my response to his hosility.)

"I am leaving work now, why what are you doing?"

"Come over," he replied.

My coworker gave me that all knowing look and shook his head.  Apparently my giddy disposition gave me away.  Or he saw my phone.  I cannot remember, I was distracted.  He and I had talked earlier in our shift about how out of all the paths I could take right now, Nick was by far the worst choice, yet he happened to be my favorite choice.  I just can't shake him.  I said it before, he gets under my skin.

Hours later I find myself standing in the doorway of his garage looking out into the starry snowy night.  There was no breeze but the air was frigid.  I couldn't see them at first but I could hear them.

"Hey!  She is here!  Go get changed!"

 I stare skeptically at the two men in the hot tub.  Fog spilled out from over the sides of the tub blocking most of them from my view but I could see several beer cans along the side, empty or full, I was unsure at that point, but I was curious about how one would get into the hot tub without freezing their ass off.  This is what I was thinking about in the moments I stood in the doorway as Nick hopped out of the tub and bounced the few feet from the tub to the garage, his bare feet hitting the snow quickly.  He wrapped his warm wet arms around me and kissed me.  I was over being mad.

"I missed you," he whispered and then loud enough for his friend to hear he yelled,  "Hurry up girl!  Go get that bikini on!"

He grabbed some more beer from the fridge next to me and pranced back out into the snow.  I stood there another moment staring into the night.  I was not so sure about this one.  His friend chimed in with something about leaving anything I didn't want to get wet in the house.

I change.  I reapply all of my winter clothes.  Something about walking out into 17 degree weather in a bikini just didn't seem like something I wanted to do.  I take one step out the door and both guys yell at me to get my ass back in the house and just man up and take off the winter clothes.  I scowl and march back in.

I take a deep breath.  A cold deep breath.  The garage wasn't exactly warm either.  What the hell.  You only live once right?  I just might die a little sooner from hypothermia.  I take off my boots first, then my knee high socks.  I don't fuck around when I bundle up.  I hesitate at my jeans, but then strip them down.  I unzip my heavy coat and unwrap my scarf.  Sliding the coat to the ground I think about the tank top and zippy running jacket I still have on concealing my bathing suit...yeah they are going to help escort me to that tub.  I walk out quickly.

Upon getting to the side of the tub I realize that I hadn't noticed before that there were no quick or easy ways in.  There were stairs on the other side, but they were buried in a snow bank.  The boys were blocking the closest entrance.  Every second that my feet rested in the snow I was in agony.  Laughing the guys reached their hands out and helped me in.... coat and tank top included.  I pulled them off quickly because I didn't want the chlorine to ruin them.  Nick threw them off into the snow.  Well... there goes my only dry clothes.  Fabulous.

Nick's friend Dan was rambling on about constellations so I sunk down into the water and just listened.  Nick pulled me over to him and I rested in his arms as we all looked up into the night sky.  It was so clear.  Minutes ticked on by.  We laughed.  Dan was complaining about his lighter not working and being out of beer.  Nick's eyes were closed and his head was back but he was rubbing my leg so I knew he was still awake.  Dan eventually got tired of bitching apparently and got out.  After a few minutes of him not coming back, Nick began to kiss the back of my neck.  I let him for a moment, and then turned around and kissed him back.  He whispered something about me being his girl.  He rested his head on my shoulder.  It must have gotten wet because there was ice forming in his hair.  I ran my hand through it a few times, I had never really realized how soft of hair he had.  He suddenly pushed me away and then pulled me into the spot he had been sitting.

As he began to push up against me and tug at my suit, I muttered something about how I once read about how bad it is for a girls body to have sex in a hot tub.  He laughed and put his hand over my mouth to shut me up.  He was laughing as he struggled with my suit.  I float so the entire thing was hilarious.  Ultimately he got his way.  And a few minutes later Dan returned and we all laughed, talked, and drank for a while longer.  Eventually we decided that it was getting late so we got out of the tub and made a dash for the house.  Dan headed for the basement game room where he slept, and I grabbed what dry clothes I still had left.  Nick pulled me to his room where he wrapped me in a towel and then began kissing me again.  I was shivering and my long frozen hair was slowly dripping down my back.  He peeled my wet suit off of me and pushed me playfully onto his bed.
He whispered to me, "Did you miss me this week?"

****Yeah... Insert round two details here....****

"I gotta go find Dan." I kid you not, these were the next words he said to me right after he finished.  I sit up and look at him for a moment.  He was already putting on dry clothes.

"Well I am going to need a dry shirt."  Without looking at me, he tossed me a clean dry t-shirt.  He walked out of the room.

Why does this behavior even still surprise me!?  I get dressed.  My hair is a wet curly mess, but it doesn't look half bad.  I wipe smeared mascara off my face, take a deep breath, and walk into the room where I find the guys playing Madden.  I sit next to Nick for a few moments and he playfully nudges me with his knee.

My friend calls me.  I decide it's time to go home.  Earlier in the night Nick had asked me to spend the night with him, but after a reality check from my pal I decided I needed to get out of there.  By the time I got off the phone, Nick had left to go get food.  Dan turned to me and asked if I would play for Nick in the game for a few minutes.  I agreed.

After a moment Dan said, "you know, you should definitely stay, he likes you, and I know he wants you here."  I just laughed.

Nick came back with some food, but mostly was excited about the weed he apparently just purchased.  He didn't look at me, and hadn't said a word since returning. I walked over to him to say good bye but he positioned himself so his back was now turned to me.  It was deliberate, which pissed me off.  I looked over at Dan who was back to playing his game.  Then I looked at the door. Out I walked.

That was three days ago.  I didn't contact him, and he didn't contact me.

Today I got the pleasure of seeing Nick on campus.  Note that I am most definitely being sarcastic.  He not only ignored the playful  message I sent him when we first got there, despite me seeing him on his phone, he was definitely there with another girl.  My friend/coworker also attends the same school as me so he assured me I am prettier than this chick, but I know him well enough to know that he would fib to spare my feelings.

Even if he isn't fibbing Nick clearly thought this girl was better than me...At first I thought they were just sitting together because we were in a big long meeting, but despite not wanting to see, I saw the flirtatious talking and touching.  The meeting broke up and we were all separated. I was relieved to see them leave.  An hour later my group was dismissed and I purchased a coffee to keep me awake for my drive home.  I talked to a few girls I hadn't seen in a while and slowly made my way to my car.  While crossing the parking lot to my car I walked in front of a vehicle slowly coming around the corner.  Wouldn't you know.  It was Nick.  Perfect terrible timing.  She was in his car and appeared to be playfully pulling on his arm.  He was smiling and then he looked right at me.  Not skipping a beat he turned his head and drove off.

Yeah.  So karma is a bitch.  I guess I deserved that.  Ultimately I probably deserve worse, but wow, I am not going to lie, today would have sucked without the addition of his presence.

Like I said before.  He is a fucking razor blade.  This time he may have at least went for the jugular so I might be able to move on from the nightmare that has been knowing him. That's what it has been.  A nonstop nightmare.  It's not wonder I can't sleep.      

Just a little redecorating to lighten the mood!

So funny little story.

Apparently the other night, while under the influence of a little too much adult beverage, I remember thinking that there were too many pictures of my husband and I in my living room.   In that state of mind I apparently just couldn't have that.

For whatever reason this prompted me to play a little game.  Keep in mind it was somewhere between two and four in the morning and it was a solo game, but either way, I found it amusing to find creative ways to cover up the pictures.  I couldn't lay them down, flip them over, or put them away.  I found unique items in my home to redecorate the areas in a way that made it almost look accidental that one, or both of us were blocked from the view.   My personal favorite was a couple of gnomes I had... I lined them up next to one another and made them look like they were having a staring contest.  This particular arrangement blocked our wedding photo perfectly.  I made them do a little dance as I pushed them into the perfect spot to mock/block the photo.

Anyway, long story short, I found it amusing and I left them all there.

My husband who came over tonight to bring food, because apparently no one thinks I have been eating these days, which on a side note is really annoying because I eat plenty, I am just loosing weight because I have been really active... anyways, he did not find my little game funny.  He saw it when he first came in and I found it even more funny that he pretended not to have seen it.  I watched him stare at the gnomes in particular and then look at where they used to be like maybe they hopped on over there themselves.  (Please don't judge me for having gnomes.  I actually hate them, but the one is an Ohio State gnome and I am certain he is good luck even though I purchased him as a joke, and the other one my grandfather had carved at some point and I found it in his workshop after he died and adopted him. I am really not a weirdo I swear.)  It took my husband another good twenty minutes before he grew a pair and inquired about my new decor.  He didn't find my drunken game amusing and he made a point to make sure I knew about it.  So as he was leaving, I made the one gnome who was blocking Jim in the photo turn around and shake his tushy at Jim as he was leaving.  Again, my humor isn't received well these days.  Go figure.

With a little help from a friend...

Today's to do list:

1. Sleep off the bottle of wine I consumed last night.  -Check
2. Shower and reapply sweatpants/t-shirt and pile hair in a messy bun on top of the head because there is no one to impress today. -Check
3. Drink coffee, mope around. -Check
4. Binge watch New Girl, mope around. -Check
5. Not leave the house or talk to anyone, mope around.  -Check

Tonight was unexpected but was actually exactly what I needed.  My phone had been silent most of the day aside from a few depressing texts from my husband so I barely touched it aside from a few quick games of Trivia Crack.  

Matt began to text me somewhere in the early afternoon time but I wasn't really in the mood to talk.  I wasn't being rude, but hey, I hadn't really heard from him the last couple of days, I am PMSing and pissy, and frankly, I just wanted to mope in solitude.

Finally he asked what I did last night.  I told him.  Drank solo.  Watched a lot of Netflix.  Drank some more.  Read.  Wrote.  Drank some more.  I told him not to judge me, and he assured me he was not.  (I would judge me.  I sound pathetic and like a potential alcoholic in the making)

"Well, what are you doing today?" he asked. 

 -Yeah umm... watching more Netflix.  I have become one with my couch.  

"Would you like to get some dinner and watch the game with me tonight?" 

-Yeah umm... I am not really feeling well, lady issues. and I don't want to take off my sweatpants to go anywhere.  (AKA I am pouting, leave me alone.)

"Take out and I come to you?"

-Yeah... umm... I would still have to put on real clothes and brush my hair.  (AKA my husband is at his best friends house a few houses down I don't want drama today....but that is a sweet suggestion considering I am kind of being a pain in the ass to you right now.)

"Come on, dinner is on me.  And I will come pick you up and take you where ever you want to go."

(I hate driving places, smooth.) -Meh.  Where would you even want to go...

"Anywhere you want."

-Yeah... I don't think so. (Still pouting, laying pathetically on my couch.) 

"Get your butt up, I will be there in 30 minutes"  

-There is no way I will be ready in 30 minutes for anything.  

"Fine.  Make it 45.  Hell take an hour.  See you soon."

Had to hand it to him, it was smooth.  He navigated my pissy attitude landmines with grace.  I still stayed on the couch another 10 minutes or so just out of principle.  I ultimately ended up trading my sweats for jeans, took a look at my hair and decided that it was good enough for me.  I put a layer of mascara on and called it good.  I decided he was already warned, he could deal with the mess.  

He pulled up in front of my house and I hopped into his truck.  He was the first person I had actually talked to in over 24 hours so I was feeling a little off.  I said hello, but I was still being mopey apparently, because he told me that mopey behavior is not allowed and that I was going to have a wonderful time.  I smiled a little at his confidence and thanked him for not asking me to drive even though my house is a good 20 minute drive in the opposite direction of where were going.  We talked the whole drive to there and by the time we pulled into the parking lot I was already feeling much better.  He held on to my arm as we walked across the icy parking lot because I slipped a little and then he opened the door for me when we got there.  (It's little things that surprise me.)

He bought me a drink and we sat down.  I told him I really wasn't feeling well so I didn't actually want dinner.  I haven't had much of an appetite these days.  He said he would feel weird eating without me, and I assured him that he could just buy me drinks and I would be fine as we watched the game.  He got some food.  I was dreading the next part.  The lip smacking.  But he chewed with his mouth closed.  And he was eating chicken wings which even normal eaters are sometimes annoying about.  Interesting.  He again asked if I wanted anything, probably because I was staring at him.   (Partially because I was still amazed at the turn-around in table manners and partially because he is really attractive to me.)  

We didn't so much watch the game, as just sat and talked.  We talked about everything.  The mess yesterday with my husband, my future plans, his future plans, our pasts, everything.  It was a lot of fun.  He kept commenting on my anxious twitching that I get late at night or when something has me worked up.  He wasn't making fun, but was making sure I was alright.  He told me that he didn't really care about the game, but he wanted to see me, and it seemed like I really needed to get out of my house whether I wanted to or not.  He was right of course.  I was wallowing.  Wallowing is not my thing typically so I didn't recognize it at the time.  I never just lay around and feel bad for myself.  I am always in motion.  The things I do might not always make the most sense, or might not be the right thing to do, but at least I am doing something!

He asked me if I wanted to go home, and I told him no.  It was only halftime and despite the chair being uncomfortable and me having horrible cramps I was enjoying myself.  I had already told him I work early tomorrow so he was trying to make sure I got home at a reasonable hour.  We continued talking.  I began to wonder what exactly this was.  Was this a date?  Honestly I have never been on a 'date' before.  I have been out with guys, but they were always like already my boyfriend and we were comfortable and it was more out of function and practicality of needing to eat rather than just to spend time together.  Did I miss this being a date?  We are both flirty people, so our conversations are flirtatious often, but he has kept out of my space but we were sitting closely together.  He has touched my leg a couple of times because of the annoying leg twitch I do, but aside from that, nothing.  Was this just a friendly gesture?  Does he know I can't really be causing drama with my husband right now?  We talked about all of that and he was surprisingly polite about all of it, he said he totally gets it.

I thanked him for being so nice to me.  I didn't realize I needed that today.  I think most people would have taken me politely saying no that many times and just accepted it, but he said that he could tell that something was off and that I needed to get out.  He drove me home and as I was getting out of his truck I almost invited him in, but instead I thanked him again.  He smiled and said that's what friends are for.  He has said that to me before late at night when I tell him something embarrassing or am apologizing for venting at him.  Maybe we are just friends... who have seen each other naked a couple times last week?  So confused.  I am not cut out for dating.  

He sent me a text a few minutes after he left.  I told him I should have asked him to come in because I was thinking about it.  He said I definitely should have, because it seemed like I could use the company.  I like that he didn't try to make a move.  There was slight touching, like holding my arm gently as we walked through the snow, and a few little touches at dinner, but he didn't try to get in my space.  He seemed to know I needed it.  

So yeah.  That all came out of no where.  He has grown on me quite a bit more.

On a side note, douche bag Nick hasn't taken the time to check in on me, despite me pretty much disappearing on him Friday night while he was getting high with his friend.  He is such a piece of work.  I'm dreading having to see him in two days on campus.  See how that works?  I have had a perfectly pleasant night, with a sweet, funny, attractive guy, who does check in on me, and cared enough to put up with my moodiness to get me out of the house....and yet I'm a little upset that I still haven't heard from Nick.  Fucked up.

Anyways.  Must wrap this up.  Matt is trying to set up plans for next weekend to see me currently.... I must decide now what I want this to be.  Or not be.  

The Ringing In My Ears

Last night I went to bed smelling like Nick.  I fell asleep in one of his t-shirts.  Not out of sentimental reasons.  More out of pure exhaustion and lack of dry clothing.  Long story.  I am just glad I landed in my own bed ultimately.  A phone call from a good friend brought me back to reality and the security of my own home.

I think it is time that I give actual names to the delightful people I have been writing about.  It is getting confusing enough as it is without the absence of names.  Nick.  The narcissistic asshole.  The bipolar, druggy, alcoholic who barely tries to win me over anymore yet still manages to get to me.  I also decided upon seeing an episode of Fringe that he looks very similar to Joshua Jackson if you want a visual.  He gets under my skin, Nick, not Joshua Jackson.  I hate him really.  He is like the hateful thing I do to myself when I am feeling bad.  I could never be a cutter, but I get why they do it.  Nick is like the fucking razor blade.  Or maybe he is even the cut itself.  He makes me feel alive momentarily, but he makes sure to choke that life out of me prior to leaving his side.  If his actions don't cut me down he is damn sure to say something to guarantee that I feel terrible before I go.  It's so weird how he started out such a different person to me.  I still don't know if he has spun out of control in the two months that I have known him, or if I was delusional at the beginning.  Doesn't matter really, just a thought.  He is what he is.  There is this song that makes me think of him, it is a stupid sappy song, and it is about an 'almost' lover but that's how I think about the different versions of him.

I barely heard from him this week, after letting my husband go, yet he calls me and I am there.  He calls me Babe, begs me to come, tells me he misses me, bam.  I am there.  I know it's bullshit but I almost appreciate the effort.

I wish I could say that this week I had spent more time thinking and accessing my current situation.  I told my husband that before I, in his words 'threw us away' would think about it.  I cleaned.  A lot.  I cleaned out my closets, I made sure all the empty spaces left from my husband were neatly filled, I tidied my basement, my car, my garage, my classroom, anything and everything.  Side effect of anxiety issues and being obsessive compulsive... really clean living spaces.  I left little time for thought.

I would feel bad if I only saw Nick this week the one time last night....but there was also Matt.

Matt, also known to you all as the very pretty Micheal C. Hall look-a-like.  You know, the guy I was never going to see again.  Yeah, that worked out perfectly.  This guy completely gets my jokes, sometimes he even beats me to them.  It's borderline infuriating.  My references never need explained, which is cool, because usually I have to explain myself, or the other person just doesn't find them as funny as I do.  I have never met someone who likes the same exact weird movies and music as we do, makes for a lot to talk about.

There is also the fact that I very rarely feel at an intellectual disadvantage when talking to other people, but he is surprisingly brilliant.  It's refreshing.  My husband isn't dumb, but he isn't very intellectual either.  Books and education aren't really his thing.  Nick is very smart too, but he is usually too wasted to appear to be anything but brain dead.  My neighbor, Greg, also not an idiot, but we have nothing in common really so our conversations are very simplistic.

I have never been bored talking to Matt, and our conversations in person, and via text, have never been forced.  They are usually comical but he has also been a sounding board late at night when the rest of the world is asleep and I am sad.  I like that he is nice to me, but also teases me to the point of almost being an asshole, it keeps it from being serious.

However, upon spending time with him, he is also lousy in the sack and smacks his lips so bad when he eats. I have never heard something so barbaric.  I actually contemplated taking his plate of food from him so I could hit him with it.  I know  it seems like a silly thing to be hostile about, but it is that bad.  My mother would have smacked the shit out of me if I dared make that kind of noise eating.  I saw him twice this week. Great kisser.  This really got my hopes up, because let me tell you, if you could see this guy's body paired with being a fabulous kisser... I thought I could overlook the lip smacking.

He took off his shirt and he was also all sweaty so his hair got all curly and messy, I was pulled right into the moment.  We seriously were just watching football, then listening to music.  Then there was the kissing.  It was like 3 AM.  I had no intention of letting it go that far anyways... then it was over. It took less than 30 seconds.  No joke.  I chalked it up to too much making out and the late hour.  But then it happened the second time too.  He also, prior to the second time, and having only hung out once in private, took a shower at my house after work. The shower I approved, but he then decided that it was socially acceptable to just strip down in front of me while I was showing him where to find the towels.  I mean one minute I was awkwardly showing his where to find the things he would need, and the next he was completely naked.  Way too comfortable which made me very uncomfortable.

I still gave him a shot after the weird random nakedness.  That was failed attempt, after great kissing, number two.  He was really sweet though.  He seems to know I am not too interested in anything more than company, he laid next to me, and ran his fingers gently on my back until I fell asleep.  We still have been talking, but thankfully not about anything serious.

Then there is my husband, Jim.  He isn't doing too great.  He came over tonight and we talked.  He is trying to understand what's going on with me, but I can't ever put it into words for him.  I told him he was like ringing in my ears.  I didn't intend it to sound mean, but it did.  The last few months what started as loneliness, then grew into discontentment, and then insanity was like that obnoxious ringing in your ears that sometimes you get and you don't notice it really at first, but then when it stops the silence makes you aware that it had been there all along.

This week, although obviously full of poor choices, has been silent.  The ringing, the pressure, it was gone.  I am free.  I am on auto pilot still, but tonight is the first night of actual literal silence since Jim left. I am starting to feel it.  Sounds shitty, I obviously was sad as he packed, and I cried that day, but since then I have been sort of numb to it.  I assumed it was the meds I am on.  Or maybe I am a heartless bitch.  I don't think so though, because I don't want to hurt him, which is why I had to make him go.

Tonight I am starting to feel the loneliness that I feared.  I want to feel it though.  I could reach out and fill it, there is no doubt in my mind about that now, but tonight is the first night that I haven't heard from anyone else that would help distract me from the truth of my situation.  I think that the absence of company of any kind is a good thing.  I mean I hate it, obviously, and I am partially drunk, but it is quiet.  The ringing is gone, no new cuts or bruises, safe and sound in my own bed, and in all of my own clothes.  It might just be the best night this week.

Dance like no one is watching... Because there isn't anyone to!

Tonight's Mission:  

Dancing like a fool the entire time I do my obsessive routine of cleaning my house.

Seems like a very simple, obtainable goal for the evening.

You should do it too.  

Life Goes On it Appears

There is something about this silence.  I find myself falling in love with it.

I should miss my husband more than I do, and part of me does, but only in wisps.  Brief moments that attack and then retreat quickly.  There is a quick pang, I swallow it down.  I chose this.  I refuse to change my mind now that I have made it up.

I have been very busy the last few days.  It keeps me out of trouble.  ...Well for the most part anyways.

He left Monday afternoon but has been back twice to get more of his stuff.  I hate seeing the hurt in his face when he realizes that I still haven't changed my mind.  He doesn't even begin to understand.   It is not his fault.  His brain works the way it is supposed to, how could he understand that my worlds just aren't lining up anymore and the imbalance is causing such destruction within myself that I just cannot bear it anymore.

I never told him that he wasn't the only man in my life.

For a girl who has always hated finding herself alone, I am surprising myself with how much I am enjoying the simplicity of not having to be accountable to anyone but myself.  As I said, I am falling in love with the silence.  Its not just actual silence.  There is more often than not background noise.  Whether it be music or the television, my house is lively despite it being just me and my dogs.  The silence is more in my head.  I love it.

"Love yourself first, everything else will fall in line." -Lucille Ball

I let them go.  Time to find myself.

I love adventures.

A lot can happen in 72 hours for not a lot to actually change...

It is Monday morning.

This is the first time that my mind has been calm enough and my body still enough to sit and write about the hell that has been my weekend.

It has been a weekend of revelations.

I learned something crucial about myself in the last 76 hours.  I am a coward.  A certifiable chickenshit.  It confirmed a few of the other shitty things about myself that I had always assumed as well.

I learned a thing or two about my husband.  He is stronger than me and a bigger person as well.  Not physically on the bigger person part, but in terms of how he chooses to handle things.  He is just as stubborn as I am and is willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage.  With one exception, I cannot tell him the whole truth, he already told me there would be blood shed.

I learned who my real friends are.  Seems cliche but when you are at your lowest a few people stand out to you that you don't mind sharing your heartache and humiliation with when you know others would rip you apart.

Friday night:

"Come see me, come see me, come see me." No.

I was staying at home giving my husband a chance.  He actually planned a movie night for us and bought me flowers.  Not the over-the-top fancy flowers, because he knows I hate them, and think that they are a waste of money, but a little batch of daisies.  He wasn't showy about it, just had them on the kitchen table for when I got home from work.

My phone continued to vibrate throughout our movie, but I ignored it's pleas for attention.  We were watching a movie with a sequel so we decided to watch the second one in bed since he had to be up early.  I just needed to move because I was antsy as fuck.  The combination of sitting still for that long with mixed emotions and knowing my other guy was out there thinking about me for once had me reeling.  We went to bed.

Instantly my husband was all over me.  Let me be blunt about something.  I have not been sleeping with multiple men at the same time.  My husband's advances have been politely shut down over the last two months and this night was to be no different, except since he had "made an effort" he seemed to think he was definitely getting some.  Which angered me, no one is entitled to me or my body.  If I say no, I mean it, when he kept pushing it I threw his hands off of me and looked at him fiercely I probably would have punched him in the throat if he tried pushing me again, I was that pissed.  He rolled over and didn't say another word.  Yeah I know, I am a bitch.  I just don't know how I feel about him, or our marriage anymore, and not only do I not want to send him mixed signals, I just don't want him to touch me.

So I checked my phone, quieted down my drunken guy, and drifted off into a troubled sleep.

Saturday Morning:

A friend messaged me about going to breakfast so I agreed to meet her.  I left before my husband got back from work so that I wouldn't have to deal with him, or his pouty disposition.  Nothing pisses me off more than a grown man pouting.

My friend and I talked for hours.  She tried helping me come up with a solution for this horrible mess I have created for myself.  We agreed on a few things.  Drunken side guy has to go.  He is no good for me, and will only bring me down.  We agreed that I needed to talk to my husband and get the ball moving on the next phase of my life.  Separation.  We decided on a rule.... no dying.... which meant I don't tell my hot headed husband about the other guy.

So I went home, and found my husband playing video games.  His friend had asked us to meet them for dinner that night and we would be going.  I lost my courage and decided that I best wait to have the conversation after that.

The Calm part of Saturday Night:
We went to dinner all was fine.  He asked me to go see a movie with him and I politely declined and just told him I was tired.  We went home, I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and crawled into bed with  movie on.   It had been hours since my phone had made any noises so I assumed my other guy had given up on me or was too drunk somewhere to text.  I drifted off to sleep with my husbands back to me, his snores slightly drowning out the volume from the television, and the movie lighting up the bedroom faintly.

Where all hell breaks loose:

I woke with a start.  This happens a lot.  I take sleeping pills to supposedly make this stop but my brain refuses to behave.  I am a little disoriented.  The title menu is still on from the movie I was watching, so I get up and turn off the TV since in my confusion I cannot find the remote.  I found my phone though.  13 new texts, 2 missed calls, and one voice-mail.  All from him.  What the hell.

I go into the bathroom and begin to sift through the texts as another call comes through.  I hit decline. He fires off another text.  I finally answer "Stop drunk texting me."  He responded that he stayed sober so he could see me.  That he needed to see me blah, blah, blah.  I washed my face to clear some of the grogginess and the texts continued to pour in.  I realize I am wide awake and that I most likely will not be able to fall back asleep at this point anyways, so what the hell.  (This is the part where you can pause and say "dumbass")  I tried waking my husband to tell him I was going out but he was out.  So I left a note telling him I was going to see a friend.  Mistake number one right there. I usually don't lie, I am usually just vague.  Well I was specific.

I go see him.  He had been honest.  He was as sober as I have ever seen him anyways and he had a friend there.  We played some XBOX until his friend fell asleep then we went upstairs.  We actually talked.  He told me how much he cared about me.  When I didn't answer him, he inquired as to why.  I told him that he and I had already had this conversation once, and that he just doesn't remember having it.  He was silent for a moment and then kissed me gently.  He said more as a statement than a question, "you don't believe me then..."  I told him I didn't doubt that he had feelings for me, but that he is so messed up, so much of the time, that he doesn't always feel the same way.  He kissed me again and I gently pulled away so I could continue talking, but he interrupted me.  "If you were just mine, things would be different, totally different. I seriously love everything about you."  Then he tacked on this little tidbit about promising him I believed him.  I hate promises.  And that was my response to him, he said it was a little promise, so I said that I promised that I didn't NOT believe him.  He playfully glared at me and pulled me in close.  The time that followed was different than usual, still very good, just not aggressive.  He held me for a few minutes and then I told him I wanted to go play some more XBOX.  As we were getting dressed my phone rang.

It was my husband.  I sent him a text back that everything was fine and that I would be home soon.  I knew that if he was awake, that this time things were going to be different.  I sat there for a moment and my phone stayed quiet.  It was another 30 minutes before he called again, and again, and again.  I answered.

"Where are you."  I lied.
"I know your not, so where are you."  I will be home.  See you there.

My guy offered to come with me.  You could tell he was worried about my safety in that particular moment.  With a smile and a hug, I told him that I would be fine, but if I went missing to tip off the police.  He told me the door would be unlocked, and that if I called he would be there in moments to get me if I needed it.  I again told him I would be fine, and that this is something that had to happen anyways, just I would have rather not had it be 3 AM and under these circumstances.

I beat him home.  I sat and waited.  I was surprisingly calm.  I sat at our kitchen table and waited.  He finally came through the door and sat down opposite from me.  I could see him tugging at his ring the same way I do when I am anxious.  I see a wild look in his eye that I recognized as the look my step dad used to get before he would fly off the handle.  This is where the chickenshit part of me kicks in.

I was talking before I even thought about it.  "It isn't as bad as it looks.  I lied about where I was but literally when you called I was playing XBOX."  -A lie technically.

He said something along the lines of good because I would have killed you both... so I decided that my lie was for the best.  He began to get huffy about the lie and I quietly said, "Now you know how it feels."  One little thing about our relationship, he is a liar, big or small, if he thinks he doesn't have to tell me because he could get away with it, he lies.  It stopped that line of accusation dead in its tracks.  
4:00 AM
I told him how this conversation was a long time coming.  I told him about how unhappy I am and how I don't know what to do to fix it.  He set his ring on the table and said he had to go to work and that after work he would be by to get some of his stuff.

Sunday 10:05:
True to his word he came back after work.  He looked at me long and hard.  I had spent the last five hours balling my eyes out so I looked a mess I am sure.   He sat down next to me and asked me what I wanted.  I didn't have an answer for him.  He asked if he should leave.  I shrugged.  He asked if he could stay.  I shrugged.  In retrospect my brain was so frazzled at this point I am sort of glad I didn't answer.  He let me rest my head on his shoulder and I just cried.  We fell asleep.  Hours later I wake up and he is already awake tracing my wedding band with his fingers.  What do we do?  Again with that question.  I DONT KNOW!!!

Round and round we went.  Can you be a wife again and just be happy with me?  -I don't know.
Should I just leave? -I don't know.
Can you keep living like this? -No

Round and round.  I was still on the couch and I kept slowly slinking further and further into it.  I fell asleep again.  This time I slept for hours.  It was dark when I woke up.  I realizes it had been over 12 hours since I sat there, and that I hadn't eaten, had anything to drink, or taken my meds for the day.

"So?" he asked.

Yeah I still don't know.  My head spinning I sit up.  He handed me water and a bowl of chicken.  Apparently he too was aware I hadn't been taking care of myself.  He had his ring back on.  Well shit.  Football was playing and I ate my chicken then laid back down.   It then dawned on me.  How many hours had passed and where is my phone.  Digging around I found it.  Messages from everyone but him.  Seriously?  He knew I was going home to a hell he helped me create and nothing?  Whatever.

I went back to sleep with the sounds of the Packers fighting the Cowboys.  I woke up and my husband was playing with my hair.  I glanced at my phone and then went back to sleep.  Apparently the Cowboys lost and he was now watching the other game.  I finally sit up and go brush my teeth.  As I was at the sink I glance at facebook where I see a picture of my guy and his 'best friend' (A really pretty blond chick who I don't know) with a caption. "Off to see elvis"  I don't know what that means nor did I plan on finding out.  Clean mouth I reassumed my position on the couch.  I slept some more.

It wasn't until 9:37 that I got a text that said, and I quote, "Umm you okay?"

I thought I might throw up I was so mad.  I went and decided to shower.  My husband followed me upstairs.  I said, a little too hostile, "What??"  He said he was just making sure I was okay.  Yes I am fine.  A girl needs to shower.  I shut the door and cried.  My phone went off again.  I was ready to loose it.  Fortunately it was one of my newer friends.  He said he was having a bad day, so I asked why.  He asked about mine and I told him.  For the first time that day I felt calmer.  I showered and crawled into bed.  I thanked him for listening, he said that is what friends are for and not to be embarrassed that we all fuck up our lives one time or another.

My husband crawled in next to me. He started to squeeze me.  He saw the look of panic and confusion and asked, "did we not agree to work on this?"  

Did we?  Fuck.

So that is where I am at.

Monday Morning:
I feel like I am going to throw up.  I should have just let him walk out the door and dealt with the pain of it.  Then it would be over right now.  I would be mourning the loss of my marriage not resenting and hating myself for being fucked up and weak.

I Prevail - Blank Space (Taylor Swift) - Punk Goes Pop Cover

My Addiction

WriteHere
Check out my other shorter ramblings.

Make Up Your Mind Dammit!

My greatest fear is to be alone.

Not like physically.  I actually like solitude.  Especially after a day of working with some of the children I work with during the day. When I get home all I want is silence... well some days I want large quantities of wine.  Or sex. Well hey, the combination of them usually chills me out pretty good actually.

Anyways, I don't like to feel alone.  Too many years of that growing up lonely I guess.

Now I have created this very complicated scenario for myself where I need to choose.  Which version of not alone do I want?

My husband has said exactly what I needed him to say.
"I am not going to push you, because you will push back, and then your gone for sure."

He hugged me today and told me to let him know if I need more space, and how I want that space. He offered to leave.  I didn't say much, just sat there drinking my coffee.  We have comfortable silences and we are both aware that me not answering isn't a bad thing, I am just thinking.  He is still my best friend, a man I love, and a good person, he just doesn't know all of me anymore.

Possible Reality One: My Husband
With him I have a clear, safe and comfortable, planned future.  Together we are financially secure, we can have children, we have plans.  Our plans match up.  He is kind and gentle, and I can play the role of a good wife.  But that is just the thing.  I feel like I am 'playing a role'.  Like I tried it on, played around with it for a while, but now I don't want to do it anymore.  In this world I don't have to worry but my adventures are over.

Possibility Number Two:  Let Myself Be Free!
Taking huge steps back in life, getting room mates again, working multiple jobs to pay the bills, but I am free to do what I want with who I want.  Despite my non-stop insistence that I was done with the-boy-who-shall-not-be-named (borderline Voldemort Harry Potter reference because parts of him are in fact that evil) I am not.  I have refused to see him, but he has been making efforts to talk to me, and to be soberish and nice during the conversations.  He actually has been very sweet.  He must have picked up on the fact that I was done with his sorry self.  There is also my Michael C. Hall look-alike guy who I was certain would just fade away after meeting him.  He is actually a really decent guy.  Smarter than me, makes me laugh, and don't get me started on his body.  I was willing to change my gym time just so he would talk to me and I could check him out on a daily basis.  This would be creepy if I in anyway hid it, but that isn't my style.  He looks awesome so I told him.  Then he gave me his number.  So yeah, there are some adventures still to be had if I just go for it.  I know one thing for sure, if I go down this road, it is going to be hard.  It will be heartbreaking and a struggle, but is it worth it?

So what do you do?  Safe, secure, loyal, and loved.  Or fun free uncertainty, but adventures (and free to look at the pretty boys in the gym?)

I do know this, I cannot keep doing both! ....pun intended?

WriteHere: The Evil 'D' Word

WriteHere: The Evil 'D' Word

New Obsession

I have decided that if you need a fun Pandora radio station to listen to for a little pick me up you should create a Walk The Moon station.

Shut Up and Dance With Me.

Lots of fun to be had.  Let's dance all day. 

Taking inventory

Impulsive and antsy, I need constant movement.  Both literally and emotionally, I seek change.  

I move the rooms around in my house, I reorder and reorganize everything from top to bottom, I change my hair as often as I change my mind, I run compulsively, and obsessively work to perfect my body, I crave the excitement and uncertainty from meeting new people, and I follow few rules in the process.  

I have deep roots planted, but I wish I was in the position to pick up and have new adventures, someplace new, with new people.  I fantasize about digging up all the things that keep me here, tossing them aside to just float off, I really want to see if I could do it.     

Life gets so complicated, confusing, and twisted.  Sometimes it helps to step back and look at all the things you have going on for you when your feeling down.  Or so I am told.  I am not even feeling down right now really, the new medication has me feeling less pessimistic, but I still feel like something major is missing.  I am just not sure what it is, so let's take a look.  

Positives:

• One husband: Patient, kind, but completely oblivious.  I wish he could still make me laugh the way he used to.  He used to be funny.  He used to be my entire world.  I love him, but he feels more like a chain around my ankle; both keeping me safe and grounded, but also trapping me in a life that I may not want anymore.

• Three dogs: I have the coolest pups ever, they are quite possibly my favorite things in the world.  

• One Bird:  Colorful, quirky, angry and temperamental... just like me. 

• A loving family.  Selfish, dramatic, and stress causing, but a family none-the-less.

• All my basic needs are not only met but some are over indulged.  I'm fortunate.  I love my home, I bought it before I met my husband and I have molded it to reflect my tastes.  It is my safe haven. I have a nice car and I everything else that I physically need to live by.

• I will have my degree for Early Childhood and Special Education in about four months.  It took five years and I am so ready to have it!  I deserve it!

• I am in the best shape I have ever been in and I continue to improve daily.

• I have a fun job, with a great co-worker, whom I confide in daily, and who knows all my little secrets...

• I have never had better friends than I do now. I have always had a lot of friends.  But it has always been a quantity versus quality kind of thing.  I haven't ever really been an open person, so to have several people now that I trust and care about is a huge development over the last year. I have been making some new friends too.... but that is where I start to get into trouble...   

Less Positive but present none-the-less:

• One  mischievous neighbor:  Attractive and entertaining, I still love hearing from him.  Gotta love those flirtatious conversations and the attack of the butterflies that go along with them.  He has known me long enough to except my mood swings and just takes me at face value.  No emotions, just fun.  Let's hope I can keep him on his side of the street this year though.    

• One pill-popping, weed smoking, alcoholic:  I hopefully will never see or hear from this guy again. I wish the best for him, but I cannot handle the emotional roller coaster that comes along with knowing him anymore.  It has been four days since I have seen or heard from him.  Four days doesn't seen like a long time, but it has felt like an eternity.  The quiet has been both painful and like a breath of fresh clean air at the same time.  That is one path I plan to not go down ever again, not this year or any other.  This guy can and will destroy me if I allow it.  

So how do I plan on playing it this year? 

-Loose and reckless as I have been?  Full of new adventures, secrets, excitement, dramatic highs and dreadful lows, or can I find a way to just be content again?   

Bringin' In the New Year. Twice.

I have never once made an official New Years Resolution.

I don't plan on starting now.

I make dozens of plans a day and I reserve the right to make and change my mind just as many times if I so chose to do so.

This is probably why I tend to find my self getting into so much trouble as often as I do.  Failure to commit.

A Little Wish For My Readers

Last night I brought in the New Year with a few old friends, but mostly new.  I enjoyed the presence of each and every one of them.  We didn't watch the ball drop, nor do any fancy countdowns, we laughed and clinked our glasses as my microwave flashed that it was midnight.  We drank up and then someone checked their phone... we were two minutes early.  So we celebrated twice.

Here is to a new year of mayhem.  Bring it on.